Members LJCM Posted August 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 26, 2018 It has now been 3 months since my beautiful husband, soulmate, father of our children and best friend passed. It doesn't feel that it has been this long. I miss his warm smile, soft voice, evil laugh, gentle hands and so much more. 18 years I have never been without him (we have been together since I was 15). 3 months and everyone is going about their normal life and expecting me to (or so it feels). I am so angry for that as it will never be normal again for me, our kids or his parents. I feel lost in so many ways. Lost at home, the only thing that keeps me going is our children. Getting them ready for school each day. Today I slept in till 11:30. Lost at home feeling the need/want to stay because we built our lives together but feeling the painful memories of everything I do. We built about 4 years ago so the landscaping is still in progress, now I feel the urge/want to finish this to how he envisioned it. He was an avid gardener and with me being the total opposite, I have alot to learn..... Lost at work. I have spent the good part of 10+ years to get where I am in the industry and now I don't know if I can do it. I know he would want me to, but I just don't know... Has anyone had the urge to do something they never thought they would like moving away or a whole new direction in career? What about family and friends? Purchasing new vehicle? I am not there yet by any means (I'm not even back to full time work yet) but just my head spinning like it normally does now... Thank you for the vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 26, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 26, 2018 Sometimes I feel like getting on a bus to nowhere, USA. Stop at some little town in the midwest maybe, starting fresh. I don't know why. Maybe it's leaving all the problems behind. But no I'd probably never do anything like that. I'm too predictable, stable, too responsibility-oriented. But one can dream. If you can take over the landscaping, kudos to you! George did our gardening. I tried to keep his garden alive when he died...I don't think it made it past June. Even the tomato plant didn't like me. I decided our garden died when he did. He'd be sick if he saw our yard now. The older I get...I haven't been able to keep up with it, especially since I took a bad fall over a year ago. I do well just to pick up all of the limbs (we have a lot of trees). Some things I have to hire done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jamiei Posted August 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 26, 2018 I do know how you feel! I have had the same job I loved for 30 years, and seriously think about just quitting! Picking up and moving where nobody knows me. But then I look around my house and the thought exhausts me! It’s such a feeling of loss and being lost. It’s been 7 months for me and every second of every day I have this horrible pain and I don’t think it’s going away! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted August 26, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 26, 2018 On 8/26/2018 at 6:37 AM, LJCM said: Has anyone had the urge to do something they never thought they would like moving away or a whole new direction in career? What about family and friends? Purchasing new vehicle? I am not there yet by any means (I'm not even back to full time work yet) but just my head spinning like it normally does now... Yes. this is a normal reaction I believe to our loss. It isn't easy but do your best to stay in the moment. Moving away most definitely weaves in and out of my thoughts. When I set that thought aside I feel a calm. When I revisit that thought there is panic. This is not our time. We need the stability of our home. I'm retired but the thought of a new career has been tossed around, In the end it is my search to fill in the void. In time we will know what we need to do or desire to do. We have to trust and believe it will happen even through this pain. One baby step at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LJCM Posted August 28, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 Thank you for your response. It makes me feel better that these thoughts of change are normal but I don't like it. It scares me so much that I even need to think about doing things without him. It's just so bloody unfair!!!!! I have had a few bad days this week (it's only Tuesday) and I just feel so lost. I need to take his ashes to the cemetery tomorrow for placement too. I had my counselor today and she said it will get better in time........but the thing is I don't want it to get better, not without him.... I need him beside me!!!!!!!! Sorry for the rant.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted August 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I can understand something of what you feel when you say you feel like people think you should be over it. I lost my precious Brian close to three months ago and very few people ask how I am. It’s as if they expect us to be ok now, or at least on our way to being ok. I feel angry when I’ve heard things like “loss is a part of life” and “time heals all wounds” They have no clue. I want to shake them and say come back and tell me this when you have suddenly lost the love of your life. It’s such an awful, surreal feeling isn’t it? I don’t sleep well at night. I wake up early morning with my heart racing. Not sure if that’s happening to you but I’m seriously considering anti-anxiety meds. I too go to work but I feel lost there. Nothing makes me feel happy, but what keeps me going is my animals that I take care of, as well as my mentally handicapped sister. My heart really goes out to you. You lost the person who you loved more than anyone, and anyone who thinks you should be ok by now just doesn’t doesn’t know what it feels to have their heart ripped out. As far as wanting to go somewhere I also fantasize about moving away, because this place has too many memories of Brian but unfortunately too much is holding me back. Anyway I just wanted to say that I’m here, and I hear you and feel for you. Anytime you feel like reaching out, I’m a post away. Big hugs to you, bambina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members adventure Posted August 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 I'm at 3 months too. So why does it feel like a few days and forever at the same time? Grief takes away the sense of time as we used to know it. It's replaced with an endless void of confusion, fear, doubt, longing, pain, memories.... It's daunting seeing a future without. Damn Facebook for putting up memories and calling us lovebirds!!! I know what you say when you are lost. I HATE waking up every morning to sunshine and birds. So much life out there that I can't bear it. Work is just the worst. 12 hour shifts taking care of people. I pray and cry endlessly that he his happy in the Afterlife, but I am left in hell. Looking to make changes is normal as we are all looking to rebuild a life without our loved one. He is everywhere but nowhere. Everywhere in our home but I can't find him here. I'm Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall and I don't know how to put myself back together again...for the second time. I'm doing all the motions. I go to movies with friends, I bought plants that we put off doing because we weren't going to be home. I went back to work. I talk to people, I shop too much. I think in the back of my head if I do all the stuff I'm "suppose" to do this nightmare will end and I can go back to my old life. I can have my routine back. I won't be lonely for him anymore because he will be here. But instead I'm in this prison and there is no parole. Just a life sentence without him and our dreams. No visitation rights. No letters of encouragement. Memories that are too painful to give comfort. Then I get frustrated with myself for having a pity party of grief. I know eventually these emotions find a balance. I know eventually the brain finds acceptance to this horrid reality. But I have a long long long way to that day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 4 hours ago, LJCM said: I had my counselor today and she said it will get better in time........but the thing is I don't want it to get better, not without him.... I need him beside me!!!!!!!! We couldn't handle it if early grief continued the rest of our lives, it'd be too much, lord knows it's hard enough getting through that time. Remember, it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still. It is okay for things to progress, to get better, it doesn't take anything away from your love for him or even your feelings of need for him, we will always feel that, but oh how we need a little respite now and then! In time we need to give ourselves permission to smile...yes, even smile. You see, I've learned to co-exist with my grief, it is there inside of me, all the time, it doesn't go away, it is my life-long companion now, but I've also learned to carry George inside my heart, where he exists, he is a part of me, always. Everything we shared, every memory we made, everything I learned from him, how he changed my life forever, just by being him, by being a part of me, it still is. We want to hang on desperately to anything to do with them, it's hard seeing the calendar turn pages, we feel it's taking them further from us...but it's not. The life we had...we're afraid of it fading away, and I understand that, it feels like a dream to me that we had that life, that we snuggled and cuddled, I remember his smell, how it felt to have him hold me, that will always be a part of me, the everydayness of hearing his voice, how I took that for granted! But nothing is lessening our love or the meaning of our coexisting together! We are forever entwined even yet while we have to go our own paths on different sides of the veil...we are walking together even though on different sides of that veil. Sometimes I call out to him, help me with this decision! Help me through this night! He is here, he cannot audibly speak to me, but he's here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 28, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 53 minutes ago, adventure said: I'm Humpty Dumpty who fell off the wall and I don't know how to put myself back together again. I'm struck by how similar we think and feel at going through the same things...I wrote this two years after my husband died:...and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't puthumpty together again. In the same way, the moment George died everything disintegrated for me again, in a different way. It's odd how you can be going along fine one moment and in the next, your whole life has changed. September 7, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted August 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 On 8/26/2018 at 3:37 AM, LJCM said: It has now been 3 months since my beautiful husband, soulmate, father of our children and best friend passed. It doesn't feel that it has been this long. I miss his warm smile, soft voice, evil laugh, gentle hands and so much more. 18 years I have never been without him (we have been together since I was 15). 3 months and everyone is going about their normal life and expecting me to (or so it feels). I am so angry for that as it will never be normal again for me, our kids or his parents. I feel lost in so many ways. Lost at home, the only thing that keeps me going is our children. Getting them ready for school each day. Today I slept in till 11:30. Lost at home feeling the need/want to stay because we built our lives together but feeling the painful memories of everything I do. We built about 4 years ago so the landscaping is still in progress, now I feel the urge/want to finish this to how he envisioned it. He was an avid gardener and with me being the total opposite, I have alot to learn..... Lost at work. I have spent the good part of 10+ years to get where I am in the industry and now I don't know if I can do it. I know he would want me to, but I just don't know... Has anyone had the urge to do something they never thought they would like moving away or a whole new direction in career? What about family and friends? Purchasing new vehicle? I am not there yet by any means (I'm not even back to full time work yet) but just my head spinning like it normally does now... Thank you for the vent. I can totally relate to no longer feeling connected to your job. When I lost my husband we were 6 weeks away from moving so I ended up having to find a little two bedroom instead of a house. At first my new place felt like a punishment, an unfamiliar home that I was forced to choose so that I could have a roof over my head. Now I have become a little attached to it because it is my safe place to hide and deal with my pain. It really is only temporary and it is serving it's purpose. I feel like when my husband passed away I lost the person who centered me so now I am struggling with finding my own strength in being my own anchor. I no longer feel safe like I use to. Everything feels intimidating and shaky. I feel like I am rambling. The only thing I want to say is that what you are feeling is normal and at almost 8 months I still feel displaced and lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted August 28, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2018 5 hours ago, LeannC45 said: I can totally relate to no longer feeling connected to your job. When I lost my husband we were 6 weeks away from moving so I ended up having to find a little two bedroom instead of a house. At first my new place felt like a punishment, an unfamiliar home that I was forced to choose so that I could have a roof over my head. Now I have become a little attached to it because it is my safe place to hide and deal with my pain. It really is only temporary and it is serving it's purpose. I feel like when my husband passed away I lost the person who centered me so now I am struggling with finding my own strength in being my own anchor. I no longer feel safe like I use to. Everything feels intimidating and shaky. I feel like I am rambling. The only thing I want to say is that what you are feeling is normal and at almost 8 months I still feel displaced and lost. I'm here trying to feel when and where and how to connect or rather reconnect me to a life. I've always been self-motivating but I'm thinking of a coach. I guess I want a coach to quick fix me. get me motivated. get me back into taking better care of myself. This is how grief exhaust us. I had my therapy session and a 6 month dr. check today so I'm exhausted. one of my favorite restorative yoga class is scheduled for 7 pm. My thoughts?? One moment I respect the process of grief and everything that goes with it so my thoughts are to curl up and be mindlessly involved in a mystery book or a rerun. Yet there's this push push push that occasionally kicks in demanding that I on with a life. my bedroom is my safe space and that that is where I'm going. We need these safe places. They've become our anchor. that is difficult to process and frightening at the same time. we do have a safe harbor though and with that we are blessed. Its not the anchor or harbor we want but it is one we have. we are going to be our best anchors. again its finding that balance between hiding in our harbor or pushing. I'm going to my harbor xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 29, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 29, 2018 23 hours ago, LeannC45 said: I feel like when my husband passed away I lost the person who centered me so now I am struggling with finding my own strength in being my own anchor. You will. I found out just how strong I was in the years to come following his death. I can assure you I didn't always FEEL strong, but they say courage is what you do in the face of adversity, it has nothing to do with our feelings. 17 hours ago, Sunflower2 said: I'm here trying to feel when and where and how to connect or rather reconnect me to a life. I've always been self-motivating but I'm thinking of a coach. I guess I want a coach to quick fix me. get me motivated. get me back into taking better care of myself. This is how grief exhaust us. I had my therapy session and a 6 month dr. check today so I'm exhausted. one of my favorite restorative yoga class is scheduled for 7 pm. My thoughts?? One moment I respect the process of grief and everything that goes with it so my thoughts are to curl up and be mindlessly involved in a mystery book or a rerun. Yet there's this push push push that occasionally kicks in demanding that I on with a life. my bedroom is my safe space and that that is where I'm going. We need these safe places. They've become our anchor. that is difficult to process and frightening at the same time. we do have a safe harbor though and with that we are blessed. Its not the anchor or harbor we want but it is one we have. we are going to be our best anchors. again its finding that balance between hiding in our harbor or pushing. I'm going to my harbor xo Oh Hon, there is no rushing this, go ahead and curl up with a book or veg out in front of the t.v. if that's what you feel like doing. There is no hurry! As long as you aren't drowning out your sorrow by being busy 24/7 so you don't have time to think or drowning it out with alcohol/drugs, which is a depressant (NOT what we need!), you can let grief take its course. Give yourself the gift of patience and understanding, let the tears flow, you're doing the right things, grief counseling, yoga, etc. We all need a safe harbor, I'm glad you have yours. The best thing I hear from you is we are going to be our best anchors. I have learned to be my own best friend and support. I always thought marriage validated me, another person's affirmation justified me, but I've learned in these last 13 years that I am okay just being me and I am enough, and I know George is so proud of me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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