New to the forum-struggling with loss of parent

[Kcarey]

Hey everyone, I’m kaylin, I’m 23. I lost my father two years ago, August 13th. A week before this time my father and I traveled to Atlanta, to move here to start a Masters program.  I was set to start that Monday, we talked Friday and he passed Saturday suddenly from a heart attack. I went back home for the funeral and then I went straight back to school. I struggled with grieving, as I felt I couldn’t take the time, and managing class work was difficult but I came graduated this pass May with a 3.5. For the past two years I struggled with panic attacks physiological and psychological symptoms. I had been in and out of the hospital for them and now have a plethora of medical bills to pay as a graduate. Then come this years second death anniversary things worsened. I felt myself feeling very sad often, some days not able to get out of bed or leave home. I also got rejected from medical school due to my mcat score not being what it should and felt the pain from that. My dad always raised me to get through things and I developed a “drive toward” mentality but I can’t do that anymore...I realize how that isn’t healthy. 

 

Ive also been seeing a therapist for two years and this year it’s gotten consistent. She’s been such a light in all the things I’ve gone through but this month it seems not of that is working. My hormones seem all over the place, I’ve been having nightmares every night I try to sleep, or the panic attacks for longer periods of time. I’m planning to take my mcat over sep 18th but part of me thinks I shouldn’t because of my emotional state makes it hard to focus. For lack of a better term, I feel like I’m “ going crazy” or “this is how things are going to be”. 

Sorry im rambling but I feel like my fathers passing, my great grandmothers, three of my aunts, and other life struggles while finishing college and grad school are just now getting to me. I do cancer research and so many other things and I just want my life to manageable again. Being a black woman my family doesn’t talk about mental health but I managed to hear that an aunt of mine had schizophrenia or bipolar disorder so that alarmed me a bit, Tajh there may be some genetic predisposition but I’ve never had bad anxiety or panic attacks before my dads death. I’d like to think that was some “trigger” of some sort. 

 

Finally, I’ve met a great guy and we’ve fell in love. Interesting enough he has some anxiety related issues but not nearly as “life threatening “ feeling as mine and I’m scared that he’ll not want me anymore...or what about being a wife and mom? My own mom isn’t in my life and I would love to be a mother someday and that all scares me. I’ve tried to slow down my thoughts but it seems nearly impossible. I’ve also been against taking medication but at this point idk. Sorry to ramble but I just have so many things to get out

[sadandlost]

Dear Kaylin,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You lost your father at not only a young age but also when you're own life was changing and beginning another path, which makes it much more traumatic.  Losing a parent is traumatic.  We are all here because of the struggle with grief.   I think the fact that your mother is not in your life and your father died so suddenly and didn't have an illness is particularly painful.  I am not surprised you are having panic attacks.  I think you should seek a specialist to rule out bi polar, just to rule it out.  I say this because I think its adding to your anxiety and ruling it out can eliminate that specific anxiety.  Its extremely unlikely you have schizophrenia or bi polar.  The reality is a lot of us have had panic attacks and anxiety after loosing our sole parent.  I did.  I am glad you are having therapy.  Maybe talking triggered something and thats why you feel it isn't currently helping?  I don't know.  I believe in therapy and talking but it takes a long time.  Maybe you could discuss medication with your therapist?  We all need extra help at times.  I went through a very dark depression the year my mother died and I certainly needed an anti depressant but I knew from the past that they did not agree with me and the side effects were too much for me.  its not the case for most people though.  I took anti anxiety medication as a sleep aid occasionally.  We all have to do what feels right for us.  I hope things work out with your new boyfriend.  I hope he will be understanding and I would be surprised if as you say he doesn't want you anymore?  It makes more sense he would be more understanding if he suffers himself.  Wishing you all the very best over the next few months.

[Kcarey]

Thank you so much for your comments and you’re right. I wish you well on your journey as well. My boyfriend is really supportive and after we’ve talked his told me he is by my side and that is reassuring. I’ve also been talking with family more about it and that helps. Thanks so much! I am going to try talking with a psychiatrist soon along with my therapist. 

7 hours ago, sadandlost said:

Dear Kaylin,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You lost your father at not only a young age but also when you're own life was changing and beginning another path, which makes it much more traumatic.  Losing a parent is traumatic.  We are all here because of the struggle with grief.   I think the fact that your mother is not in your life and your father died so suddenly and didn't have an illness is particularly painful.  I am not surprised you are having panic attacks.  I think you should seek a specialist to rule out bi polar, just to rule it out.  I say this because I think its adding to your anxiety and ruling it out can eliminate that specific anxiety.  Its extremely unlikely you have schizophrenia or bi polar.  The reality is a lot of us have had panic attacks and anxiety after loosing our sole parent.  I did.  I am glad you are having therapy.  Maybe talking triggered something and thats why you feel it isn't currently helping?  I don't know.  I believe in therapy and talking but it takes a long time.  Maybe you could discuss medication with your therapist?  We all need extra help at times.  I went through a very dark depression the year my mother died and I certainly needed an anti depressant but I knew from the past that they did not agree with me and the side effects were too much for me.  its not the case for most people though.  I took anti anxiety medication as a sleep aid occasionally.  We all have to do what feels right for us.  I hope things work out with your new boyfriend.  I hope he will be understanding and I would be surprised if as you say he doesn't want you anymore?  It makes more sense he would be more understanding if he suffers himself.  Wishing you all the very best over the next few months.

 

[Brights]

Hi Kaylin, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I just lost my father a week ago and I sympathize with each word you've said. I'm 22, trying to navigate my second half of grad school and my dad suddenly passed away from a heart attack in his sleep. As sadandlost replied, losing a parent is incredibly traumatic to begin with but losing them when we're so young, when we're just beginning to explore "adulting" makes it feel like the world is caving in. 

Remember to be kind to yourself. Remember to let yourself grieve. It's important not to push your feelings away as you try to make time for your class work, your studying and your life. I am very glad you're finding support in your therapist and family. I wish you nothing but the best. We both have a long road ahead of us, but we'll make it through!