This day 3 months ago

[adventure]

3 months ago today was the last day we spent together. That day is the one I want to remember, need to remember. That day was a happy day for me with him. We sat on the sofa in the evening planning our sailing trip to Key West. Going over the list of repairs that needed to be done. Debating if he should try to tackle the enormous task of replacing the broken refrigeration before or after the trip, working out the logistics of a straight through passage or where to anchor along the way. I stared at the kitchen calendar on the wall with the picture of a sailboat in the bluest of waters and said "Do you really think we'll get back out there?" Our plan was for me to quit work and we were going back to full time cruising. The date was set to leave November 1 and celebrate Christmas in Bimini. He replied, "What's going to stop us?" 2 hours later he was dead on our bedroom floor.

My first husband died in 2005. I rebuilt a life. I had a dream I wanted to do with my first husband, buy a sailboat, liveaboard and cruise. He died and I assumed that dream did too. Tom shared my sense of adventure and had a big big passion for boats. The dream became a reality when we found our sailboat and he named her Grace. Grace is my "home", my refuge, a big part of my joy. And now she is my past. We had amazing adventures on her. Sharing those memories is painfully hollow without Tom. They seem almost fake. In one minute I lost my Tom, my Grace and myself. Until now, with him gone, did I realize how MUCH of me is entangled in his existence. It was "we" and changed to "me" and I didn't even get a say or opinion in the change. I have a quiet sense of desperation that doesn't go away. Desperate to see, hear, feel and smell him. I'm 59 years old and have been blessed with 3 children. They are adults with their own lives...as life should be. I built a life with Tom. I thought I was insulated from this kind of loss again. I assumed one husband dead was enough for now. I assumed with this husband I could have companionship and grow older together. But I'm alone....by no choice of mine. I'm weary. It's exhausting grieving and rebuilding only to have to do it again and again. I am too too familiar with loss. I've lost a brother, 2 sisters, a 22 month old nephew, best friend, mother and 2 husbands. I hoped for safety from loss with Tom. I hoped for years of togetherness with him as I see others get. Is there more loss from death I have to endure? Everyone's gone now but my children. 

This just doesn't seem like reality to me. Three months have gone by since we spent a day together. How did I get here AGAIN? I'm completely and fully empty inside. On the outside the facade is there. The smile at the right time, the fake laugh. The internal anxiety at work is overwhelming. The real me is shattered into numbness with never ending tears. I forgot how much snot your body makes in grief!! Life with him feels like a mirage... how is that when we were together for 12 years?

Today is 3 months from spending it with him alive. That's a happy day to remember. 

[Laney]

I feel so much the same as you describe, I lost everything when I lost my husband, thank you for sharing.  I just hit the 2 month date. 

I've also experienced a lot of loss and I'm in my 50's too.  We were married 19 years, but didn't have children.  I've lost both parents, my only sibling and now my wonderful husband.  I'm all alone except for friends and more distant relatives whom I appreciate so much, but it isn't the same as having your close family.   I don't know how to rebuild my life right now....

[KayC]

I, too have had a lot of loss...both parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, niece, nephew, husband, sister, countless pets and friends.  And now I worry for my other sister that isn't doing well.  How much loss can one have?  A question we should never ask.  Apparently it can be endless.  I have begun to see grief as just part of life.  Nothing stays the same, it can't be counted on, at any given moment it can happen again.  Disheartening!