How to deal with new relationship and grieving family members

[JAB84]

I need some advice please. I lost my spouse 3 years ago. I met someone new shortly after the passing. I met this person in a bereavement group. This person had also lost their spouse. When we met, his spouse had passed away only 1month prior. We connected instantly. And even though his plan was for us to only be friends, life had other plans for us. We have been together now for 2 1/2 years. His family didn't approve of how fast he got into a new relationship. His parents don't agree. His dad likes me, regardless of how he feels about his sons decision. But my partners mom is the issue and the reason I'm writing. She lives in another state. So we haven't had the chance to bond. When she visits, she doesn't really talk to me, and isn't very friendly. It's very awkward when we are all in the same room. She admitted to my partner (her son) that she feels that we got into a relationship too soon. And that I should have known better then to get involved. 2 1/2 years later and she's still holding that against us. Well, me. Im not sure if she has another issue with me she's not saying. My partner feels disappointed and is upset that this is happening. 

Please help

[Laney]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  I'm sure they don't understand your and your partner's grief journey and it's probably hard to know about their grief journey in all this.  It seems like your partner should have a private talk with them at some point to tell them that this is bothering you both and to see if there is anything he could explain or share with them that would improve the situation?  Even a counseling session might help give you some tools to navigate this?  take care and I hope things improve...

 

[Epope]

@JAB84 I can really only imagine this. I'm not a relationship expert, and I've only just lost the love of my life 2 months ago and haven't thought about any relationship except the one I have with myself. The only thing that came to my mind when reading your post was that a) your partner's mother is not over/has not fully dealt with her grief over the loss of her daughter in law, and b) that she is so protective of her son that it comes out in a way that is insulting and judgemental of your relationship. The truth of the whole thing is - no one wrote the book on how long you're "supposed" to "wait" to get into a relationship. If the feeling is there, you listen to it. After all, don't we now know the true meaning of "life is short"?  Some people need lots of time, others may not need as much time and that should be ok. This is your journey, your partner's journey...not your partner's mother's journey. When you lose someone, you're put under the microscope bc everyone wants to know what you're feeling. Is she ok today? And then what happens when you start seeing someone? The microscope comes back out and it's like "wow she didn't wait that long" or "she waited too long". Really, no one has the right to say any of this but ourselves. If you think the timing is right, and you guys are happy - then what else matters? Isn't happiness and love the meaning of life? Perhaps your partner talking to her would be best, and then after that, you try to get to know her. And her know you. She won't have to tell you much about her son grieving since you have walked that same road! Best wishes to you, your partner, and his mother. I hope that everything works out and you get the happy ending you want! 

[KayC]

You can only do what is right for you and she needs to deal with it...or not, her choice.  If she's wise, she'll realize she's cutting off her nose to spite her face and make an attempt to get along.  But she doesn't sound very wise.  What will happen is she'll drive a wedge between her son and herself.  He'll likely still have contact with her but the wedge will be there.  l'm sorry she can't see that and she can't just be happy for her son.  There is no time period, not one in ink, it's up to each individual to know what is right for them.  My FIL was married for 40 years to someone wonderful.  When she died, he told us one month later that he was "in love" with someone.  It was a little hard for the rest of us to catch up to his pace, but we made effort to and embraced her and she became someone wonderful in our family.  It would have been our loss had we not been willing to do that.