I don't know how to deal with this

[Katie32188]

I just found out five days ago, that my boyfriend passed away. 

We had a complicated relationship. We were long distance and we met online. We were together for four years, and we saw each other about 6 times a year and about 2 weeks at a time. I had a trip planned to see him tomorrow. 

All I feel is guilt and regret. We didn't always get along and we argued a lot but at the end of the day we loved each other. I just feel like I should of been there. I originally planned to be there on the 11th of this Month, but there were problems with scheduling at work so I had no choice but to plan it for the 24th. And if I we're there sooner, he would still be here. I know that, and it's torturing me. 

He had a problem. When he was around 20 he was lifting concrete and exploded a couple of discs in his back. He was in pain everyday and he was living in England at that time and he told me they made him lay in bed on medication every day for a year. When we met, a couple months after, he told me he was going to prison for fighting. I didn't believe it but I didn't know the laws in England so I just went with it. We weren't together then but we talked every single day. And when he went in, we wrote letters and he called me almost every day. I fell in love with him. He eventually told me the real reason he was in there and it was because he sold pills and other drugs. I wasn't ok with it but I chose to not judge him because I loved him and he told me he wasn't doing it anymore. And the letters he would write to me made me think he was choosing to be a better person. He told me he was going to move to Canada and start a new life. One he wanted to include me in. He was in prison for four months and moved to Canada not very long after. He loved it there but I knew he was lonely. He made a few friends and things were good for a little while. 

We still argued and fought and even broke up a few times but we always made it back to each other. Im not saying it was all his fault but I just didn't agree with some of the things he did. I saw him a few times slurring his words and barely making sense and fall asleep in the middle of conversations. He would take multiple xanax. He told me he did it because it would take the pain throughout his whole body away for a little while. I didn't like it. Im a cautious person and I told him he needed to stop doing that. Typical man, he didn't want to listen. So I told him to never do that in front of me again. And eventually he started selling again. By this point, I was already in too deep. I loved him and no matter how many times I told him he needed to remember why he moved to Canada, to start over, he did what he wanted to do. His dreams were to open a franchise or be a chef. It's just sad. And I tried to get him away from it and I just keep thinking that if I moved there or were closer, we wouldn't be in this position. I began to get angry and pick fights and I know I had anger issues myself but I just could never let him go. I always belived that one day he wouldn't do what he was doing anymore. Especially since the xanax eventually gave him seizures. 

The last time I spoke to him was Wednesday, August 15. On Tuesday he told me he wasn't feeling well. Then the day after I asked him how he was feeling and he said he felt very sick, and had a bad headache and a temperature. I asked him if he was going to the doctor but he didn't say anything. So I just told him to take a tylenol and maybe put a cold wash cloth on his head and he just said he took 3 tylenol. I then told him I dyed my hair and he asked to see. I told him I would when I got home from work but I didn't end up doing that because I was tired. Thursday comes around and I asked him how he was feeling and he didn't respond. Then I sent him a picture of my hair. Still didn't respond. I just assumed he was sick and didn't want to talk, so I left him alone. Then on Friday, when I still didn't hear from him, I started to worry. I didn't see him on social media. He used to ignore me sometimes but I would always see his presence on social media. It said the last time he was online was a day. And I thought that was odd. So I decided to call his landlord. He lived in the basement of a friend of his parents home. I asked if she had heard from him. She never responded. I called her and there was still no response. Finally I text her again and I said I was so worried about Mike, can you please check on him. Still nothing. Then I called the nearby hospitals around him and finally one said he was there getting an MRI. I asked if it was from today and they said yes, today. So I started to worry less because he would get MRIs for his seizures, so I assumed maybe he had a seizure and is just in the hospital. So I went to bed early Friday with some relief. Saturday morning I woke up and had a few missed calls from his cousin. I called him as soon as I woke up and that's when my life came crashing down. They said they found him on Friday when I kept calling and texting his landlord. But I was so confused because the hospital had said he was there. I called them again on Saturday and he they the last time he was there was in March. I didn't know what to believe. So I called about 20 funeral homes and he wasn't at one. I needed proof that he was gone. Then on Sunday his dad sent me an email and that's when I knew he wasn't coming back. I lost it. 

I still don't know how he went but I can only imagine I know. I don't know how to deal with this. He was my best friend and my first love. He was only 30. And now I just keep thinking that I should of been there. I should of been there with him. We had all of these plans to travel together and I was going to have a serious talk with him when I got there this weekend. And it hurts me that I didn't get the chance to. I'm still going there this weekend, but to meet his parents. They're flying from England to identify him. I feel broken, I feel like I'm not even sure if life is worth living without him. I'm trying so hard to be alright but it's hard. I just keep thinking that I should of been nicer, I shouldn't have started arguments, I should of tried harder with helping him get out of what he was doing. 

It still doesn't feel real to me. I just miss him so much and I wish I could of helped him. I don't know what to do anymore. He was my whole entire world and I went to him for everything. He was always there for me and always helping me when I needed him. It feels like I've lost everything. I wanted to move to Canada from California to start my life over again as well. I hate it here. I just wanted to be with him.

I know in time, things will get better but right now I just can't seem to be able to cope with this. Im trying to think of positive things like, that he is no longer in pain but it's hard. I just want him here. I want to see him, I want to kiss and hold him again. And its so sad that the last time I saw him was in May. But it seemed like I saw him every day because we talked on the phone every day. I just want him back. That's all I want and I don't know what to do. Everything reminds me of him. I wanted to marry him. What’s the point of life if you can’t spend it with the person you love? I want to die and be with him. I thought I’d be with him forever. I don’t know what to do  

 

[Lost6263]

I'm sorry for your loss. You may find it helpful to reach out to a therapist or psychologist who specializes in grief counseling. I fing it helpful because it's someone outside of everything and trained to help with loss. My friends and family are amazing support but they themselves have never lost a partner so it does help me as much. Please try taking it a couple minutes at a time. Everyone deals with losing a loved one different. I lost my husband of almost 11 years in February to a heart attack and he was only 47. It's not fair, I'm mad at God, some days I can't even move. But then some days I get up, take our dogs for a walk and try to stay busy.  Focus on your breathing...I started having horrible anxiety and panic attacks since he passed and my therapist said to sit down in a quiet place, close your eyes, and take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth...and just focus on that...keep doing it and I found that it helps some. 

[Katie32188]

@Lost6263

Thank you so much for your reply. I just saw a therapist a couple of days ago but I didn't really get anything out of it. Are you seeing one or is it helping you? I am trying to keep busy and although I have friends and family for support, I feel as if its not helping at all. Because what I realize I do is just stay in my head the whole time and think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And all I ever used to do is either see something funny or something stupid and tell him and he'd laugh with me. And now I cant do that anymore. I feel like I have no one. He was my whole world. 

Im so sorry for your loss as well. And I know 47 is too young to go because my dad passed away when he was 47 as well. What do you do to cope with your anxiety? I know losing someone is incredibly hard and I think we can all get through this together. Im trying to see that even though I feel as is my life isn't worth living without him. Does it get easier?

[KayC]

Katie,

I responded to you on my other forum, but I neglected to list an article I'd wanted you to read, so I'm going to add it here...
I want you to understand that just because you FEEL guilt, doesn't mean you've earned or deserve it.  Guilt is common in grief, it's part of it.  It's like we're trying to find a different outcome or something so our mind goes through all the what ifs.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

[LeannC45]

17 minutes ago, KayC said:

Katie,

I responded to you on my other forum, but I neglected to list an article I'd wanted you to read, so I'm going to add it here...
I want you to understand that just because you FEEL guilt, doesn't mean you've earned or deserve it.  Guilt is common in grief, it's part of it.  It's like we're trying to find a different outcome or something so our mind goes through all the what ifs.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

Thank you for these posts. I have circled back around to guilt again and again in my darkest times. I do need to practice new self talk and forgive myself for the things I think that I could have done differently. I am a worrier and I end up beating myself up over things for way too long. Something I have always struggled with. Time to learn a new way to cope so that I can move forward in a healthy, sustaining way.

[KayC]

I think most of us did that or are doing it.  I've beaten myself up for not forcing my husband to seek a cardiologist or at least a different medical practioner...I did actually encourage him to do do just that, but I left the responsibility with him as he was a grown adult capable of making his own decisions and I'm not his mother.  Not so easy to tell yourself after he's gone.  But the truth is, he was an adult, capable of making his own decisions.  lt wasn't my place to try to force him to do anything, not to quit cigarettes, not to see another doctor.  We're all responsible adults.

[Spengler]

What took my wife away from me was something neurological, exact diagnosis unknown, but it could have been something in the Parkinson's family or a brain tumor. Looking back over the years, the clues were there: significant weight loss, deteriorating handwriting, increased difficulty getting out of bed, and even walking, muscle contractures. For years we made all the rounds of various doctors, neurologists, and other specialists, but no one was able to figure out what was going on. In other words, I did everything right, but I still blame myself. Why? Because it's easier to feel guilt than to accept a seemingly random series of events that make no sense to me, even now.

[Lost6263]

20 hours ago, Katie32188 said:

@Lost6263

Thank you so much for your reply. I just saw a therapist a couple of days ago but I didn't really get anything out of it. Are you seeing one or is it helping you? I am trying to keep busy and although I have friends and family for support, I feel as if its not helping at all. Because what I realize I do is just stay in my head the whole time and think about him. Everything reminds me of him. And all I ever used to do is either see something funny or something stupid and tell him and he'd laugh with me. And now I cant do that anymore. I feel like I have no one. He was my whole world. 

Im so sorry for your loss as well. And I know 47 is too young to go because my dad passed away when he was 47 as well. What do you do to cope with your anxiety? I know losing someone is incredibly hard and I think we can all get through this together. Im trying to see that even though I feel as is my life isn't worth living without him. Does it get easier?

I do see a therapist once a week who deals with PTSD. Im dealing with flashes of the night I found him, extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I've never had before. It's gotten harder because I'm dealing with a mother in law that is horrible. She was horrible to him his whole life and now that he is gone she has turned it to me, I have tried to be there for her but she makes it impossible. So having the therapist helps to give me ways to set boundaries with her, to do different things to get my mind from spiraling down that dark hole of the what ifs and the nightmares. I tried getting through it myself the first month but it was bad so I decided to see a therapist. It's been 6 months since he passed, some weeks I go to see her and I just cry and bawl my eyes out and she listens, some times I don't want to talk at all and she asks me questions and gives me advice. One thing that has helped is regardless if I feel like it or not I get up and take our 3 dogs for a walk, I know it makes them happy and it gets me out of the house. I don't think it gets any easier...but my dad told me something that I hold on to. It never gets easier...but with time you learn to live with it a little more. 

[Katie32188]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I think most of us did that or are doing it.  I've beaten myself up for not forcing my husband to seek a cardiologist or at least a different medical practioner...I did actually encourage him to do do just that, but I left the responsibility with him as he was a grown adult capable of making his own decisions and I'm not his mother.  Not so easy to tell yourself after he's gone.  But the truth is, he was an adult, capable of making his own decisions.  lt wasn't my place to try to force him to do anything, not to quit cigarettes, not to see another doctor.  We're all responsible adults.

@KayC You are so incredibly right. We can not tell grown adults what to do. But we do the best we can. And im trying to come to peace with that. 

This was an accident what happened to him. I still don't know what exactly happened or what exactly he took but all I know is that he had a problem. He had taken multiple xanax and I dont know what else, for years. And he always survived until he didnt. But Im left wondering, why did he have to get sick, why did he have to get a big headache, why didnt he go to the hospital if it was that bad? I mean, he didnt have a car to get around because of his seizures but I just have all these questions. I wish I was there to at least take him if he didnt feel well. I know he's the one to do this all himself but I just feel so awful because he was alone. 

[Katie32188]

14 minutes ago, Lost6263 said:

I do see a therapist once a week who deals with PTSD. Im dealing with flashes of the night I found him, extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I've never had before. It's gotten harder because I'm dealing with a mother in law that is horrible. She was horrible to him his whole life and now that he is gone she has turned it to me, I have tried to be there for her but she makes it impossible. So having the therapist helps to give me ways to set boundaries with her, to do different things to get my mind from spiraling down that dark hole of the what ifs and the nightmares. I tried getting through it myself the first month but it was bad so I decided to see a therapist. It's been 6 months since he passed, some weeks I go to see her and I just cry and bawl my eyes out and she listens, some times I don't want to talk at all and she asks me questions and gives me advice. One thing that has helped is regardless if I feel like it or not I get up and take our 3 dogs for a walk, I know it makes them happy and it gets me out of the house. I don't think it gets any easier...but my dad told me something that I hold on to. It never gets easier...but with time you learn to live with it a little more. 

@Lost6263 Is the therapist the one thing that is helping you get through this? I want to continue to go but what I have experienced I feel as if it wont help me. 

[Katie32188]

Im scared to meet his family tomorrow. There's already family drama with his aunt and his mom. They don't get along and now his sister is telling me a bunch of his stuff is missing. I feel sick that people can just take things because the person is no longer here. I want to help but I don't know what to do.

 I am thinking about seeing him. Just so I can see him one more time and touch him one more time. Is that a good idea? 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

I do see a therapist once a week who deals with PTSD. Im dealing with flashes of the night I found him, extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I've never had before. It's gotten harder because I'm dealing with a mother in law that is horrible. She was horrible to him his whole life and now that he is gone she has turned it to me, I have tried to be there for her but she makes it impossible. So having the therapist helps to give me ways to set boundaries with her, to do different things to get my mind from spiraling down that dark hole of the what ifs and the nightmares. I tried getting through it myself the first month but it was bad so I decided to see a therapist. It's been 6 months since he passed, some weeks I go to see her and I just cry and bawl my eyes out and she listens, some times I don't want to talk at all and she asks me questions and gives me advice. One thing that has helped is regardless if I feel like it or not I get up and take our 3 dogs for a walk, I know it makes them happy and it gets me out of the house. I don't think it gets any easier...but my dad told me something that I hold on to. It never gets easier...but with time you learn to live with it a little more. 

Lost, I'm glad your therapist is helping you with boundaries for your MIL.  You're a bigger person than me...when my FIL (and I can't even think of him that way) badmouthed my husband to me a year after he died, I told him to call me when he had something good to say about him.  He never did.  Now he too is gone.  But I think I did the right thing by refusing to let him bad mouth him to me.  I couldn't stomach that, George was always good to his dad!  Some people are just toxic and he was one of them.  He was a horrible husband and father, a horrible person.  I don't know how someone so good came from him.  We can't change people but we can set boundaries as to what we will and won't put up with.
 

12 hours ago, Katie32188 said:

@KayC You are so incredibly right. We can not tell grown adults what to do. But we do the best we can. And im trying to come to peace with that. 

This was an accident what happened to him. I still don't know what exactly happened or what exactly he took but all I know is that he had a problem. He had taken multiple xanax and I dont know what else, for years. And he always survived until he didnt. But Im left wondering, why did he have to get sick, why did he have to get a big headache, why didnt he go to the hospital if it was that bad? I mean, he didnt have a car to get around because of his seizures but I just have all these questions. I wish I was there to at least take him if he didnt feel well. I know he's the one to do this all himself but I just feel so awful because he was alone. 

I wasn't able to be with my husband when he died either and that killed me for a long time, it literally haunted me.  I mean, we were ALWAYS there for each other, why couldn't I be there for him when he needed me most?!  But years into this, I finally thought, he knew he was dying, maybe he needed to be alone to transition to what was next for him, maybe if I'd been there he would have been worrying about me instead of being able to focus on what was to come.  Maybe the way it happened is what needed to be.  
I do smile though when I think back to when he drove himself to the clinic and the doctor wanted to call me and let me know he was having a heart attack before he sent him by ambulance to the hospital 50 miles away...George "didn't want to ruin my weekend" so wouldn't let him call me.  As if!  The doctor (who I used to work for) said, "You know she's going to be mad at you for this, don't you?" and he said, "Yeah, but I'll deal with that later."  At the time, obviously, he didn't know he'd die 2 1/2 days later.  I ran the whole weekend through my head a million times, but I guess I'm finally a little more at peace with it.

[Katie32188]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Lost, I'm glad your therapist is helping you with boundaries for your MIL.  You're a bigger person than me...when my FIL (and I can't even think of him that way) badmouthed my husband to me a year after he died, I told him to call me when he had something good to say about him.  He never did.  Now he too is gone.  But I think I did the right thing by refusing to let him bad mouth him to me.  I couldn't stomach that, George was always good to his dad!  Some people are just toxic and he was one of them.  He was a horrible husband and father, a horrible person.  I don't know how someone so good came from him.  We can't change people but we can set boundaries as to what we will and won't put up with.
 

I wasn't able to be with my husband when he died either and that killed me for a long time, it literally haunted me.  I mean, we were ALWAYS there for each other, why couldn't I be there for him when he needed me most?!  But years into this, I finally thought, he knew he was dying, maybe he needed to be alone to transition to what was next for him, maybe if I'd been there he would have been worrying about me instead of being able to focus on what was to come.  Maybe the way it happened is what needed to be.  
I do smile though when I think back to when he drove himself to the clinic and the doctor wanted to call me and let me know he was having a heart attack before he sent him by ambulance to the hospital 50 miles away...George "didn't want to ruin my weekend" so wouldn't let him call me.  As if!  The doctor (who I used to work for) said, "You know she's going to be mad at you for this, don't you?" and he said, "Yeah, but I'll deal with that later."  At the time, obviously, he didn't know he'd die 2 1/2 days later.  I ran the whole weekend through my head a million times, but I guess I'm finally a little more at peace with it.

I’m so sorry you weren’t able to be there either. And I can understand why you’d beat yourself up about not being there, but it’s amazing the way you look at it so positively now. 

I’m trying to see any positivity in my situation. But I just don’t see how there can be. I’m trying to just think that he is no longer in pain but couldn’t have something else helped with that? I don’t really know the treatment for exploded discs but there could of been something else to help him right? 

[KayC]

I've had 13 years to process this and adjust, you have just had your loss eight days ago, so it's not possible to see how you will see things on down the road.  In the beginning we all ask "why"...I quit asking after I never got any answer.  Somewhere I read to ask "What now?" and that helped me, but again, I was further in.  When I was at   eight days, I think I was still very much in shock, you're doing well to even find yourself here already.  

[Sunflower2]

On ‎8‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 6:03 PM, KayC said:

eight days..

I couldn't have even found myself on this forum in 8 days.  I was shocked, numb, devastated, lacking sleep, not eating, panicky, anxious.  I did manage to find my way to a therapist and journaling. I was taking baths 2-3 times a day to calm me and keep me centered even if it was for only a few moments. I began to live on bone broth, wheat grass, soups.  Toast and butter became my medicine. I crawled back to yoga but only restorative and with the two teachers that I felt were the best as I began to figure out my way out of this rawness you are now experiencing.   I managed the massages once a month.  It doesn't feel like it right now but I promise you it will get lighter.  This is such a profound experience but it does get lighter. 

I did remove myself from all of his family drama which I do anyway in my world.  immediately detached!!! Didn't look for them replacing Wayne or defining our relationship.  Didn't need them for clarification or for support.  They weren't capable in healthy ways. As broken as my heart was and how shattered my life felt I knew enough to surround myself with love and good energy. I had to survive and separate.  We kept it out of our lives and I sure wasn't allowing it during his death,  Many similarities with grief but stories will always be different, xo

[Katie32188]

@KayC @Sunflower2

I am still in shock. I have to say it out loud and convince myself everyday that this is real. 

I sought out this forum because I truly feel alone at home. My dad died 12 years ago and my mom took off 20 years ago. I live with my brother and a room mate and we barely speak. Mike was always there for me. Although we were so far away from each other, we spoke every day and I called and told him everything. I didn’t feel alone when he was here. Now that he’s gone, I feel truly alone. I have friends but it’s not like they can cater to me. They have their own lives and I get that. So I came here because I need to speak and hear from people who have gone and are going through what I am going through. No one understands but who has experienced this. 

@Sunflower2

I have just met his mom and sister this weekend for the first time. He never told them about me and I feel like I need to be close to them. Is that not doing me any good? Has it gotten any easier for you since you’ve lost your partner? 

[Sunflower2]

@Katie32188 Only you can decide if involving yourself with his family is good for you. Respect your need but at the same time respect and understand and accept their response to you. They may maintain contact for a brief period.  They may not.  you can't take responsibility to how they will receive you. You can't speculate either. I can understand you wanting a connection but there are no promises or guarantees this will occur.  

I'm going to say lighter.  It's not easier but lighter. Not easier because I'm slowly creating a life without him physically. That takes time though.  Remember it will be 1 year for me.  We stay in the moment.  I don't have that piercing pain. That shock.  It still feels surreal.  In the beginning Katie32188 it is impossible to stay in the moment, Breathe deep and try.  if it means moving around through the house like your on a track do it.  Movement helps.  Doesn't have to be strenuous movement.  Move like a ragdoll!  Try it. Might be too soon but jot that down as an idea to revisit.   bubble baths!!!!  I can't say enough about lavender bubble baths. xo

seriously sit and have a conversation with your partner as if he was sitting next to you.  don't think what you are saying...verbally communicate it. Try it.  You can always toss it aside f it doesn't feel you.  It could become a ritual.  we need rituals more than ever.  I feel.  create rituals. share with us those you tried and found comfort.  even little loads of laundry became a ritual....sometimes I washed just a few items....to slowly inch me back.  in time joy does suddenly sneak in when we least expect it,  You are still raw but this is where where it begins to gets lighter. Respect the grief waves that will sneak up too.  don't run from them. I guess that's what they mean by saying we have to walk through it.  The pits of hell but we do come out the other side, I promise!!!!!!

 

 

 

[Katie32188]

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

@Katie32188 Only you can decide if involving yourself with his family is good for you. Respect your need but at the same time respect and understand and accept their response to you. They may maintain contact for a brief period.  They may not.  you can't take responsibility to how they will receive you. You can't speculate either. I can understand you wanting a connection but there are no promises or guarantees this will occur.  

I'm going to say lighter.  It's not easier but lighter. Not easier because I'm slowly creating a life without him physically. That takes time though.  Remember it will be 1 year for me.  We stay in the moment.  I don't have that piercing pain. That shock.  It still feels surreal.  In the beginning Katie32188 it is impossible to stay in the moment, Breathe deep and try.  if it means moving around through the house like your on a track do it.  Movement helps.  Doesn't have to be strenuous movement.  Move like a ragdoll!  Try it. Might be too soon but jot that down as an idea to revisit.   bubble baths!!!!  I can't say enough about lavender bubble baths. xo

seriously sit and have a conversation with your partner as if he was sitting next to you.  don't think what you are saying...verbally communicate it. Try it.  You can always toss it aside f it doesn't feel you.  It could become a ritual.  we need rituals more than ever.  I feel.  create rituals. share with us those you tried and found comfort.  even little loads of laundry became a ritual....sometimes I washed just a few items....to slowly inch me back.  in time joy does suddenly sneak in when we least expect it,  You are still raw but this is where where it begins to gets lighter. Respect the grief waves that will sneak up too.  don't run from them. I guess that's what they mean by saying we have to walk through it.  The pits of hell but we do come out the other side, I promise!!!!!!

 

 

 

I understand. We all bonded this week and got along well. I said goodbye to them today. I’m flying to England in a couple of weeks for the funeral because that’s where he’s from. I know they’re far. Which will probably cause our bond to become distant over time when this is all over. And I get that. I guess I will just see how it goes and who knows, we might still keep in touch throughout the years. 

I try to move and I try to keep busy. But you’re right. It’s when I’m not moving is when it hurts the most. When I wake up every morning he’s the first person I think about. The past few nights I’ve had dreams about him, but they’re never good dreams. Which makes it even sadder. And everything still reminds me of him. He had pain all over his body so he used to take epsom salt baths all the time so I feel like I can’t even take a bath because that’s what he did. It’s pathetic. 

I try to talk to him at night before bed. Does having conversations help you cope with it? I started writing letters to him in a journal, as if he were here going to read them. Sometimes it feels like it makes me feel better but then sometimes it doesn’t. Like I keep asking him why he left me. Why did he have to do this. And then I think about everything I regret. Like, why did I do that or why didn’t I do this. 

Did you go to counseling?

[Sunflower2]

14 hours ago, Katie32188 said:

Did you go to counseling?

yes weekly.  It is my place to release my deep grief.  My feelings.  I don't feel my friends need to experience that.  I don't dismiss my pain.  They know. They are wise and support me in other ways. I understand too that friends can't take away the pain.  I rotate my contacts so one isn't getting too much.  of course there is always the one very special friend that simply knows and loves.  The therapist hears the gut wrenching feelings of my loss. The therapist and my living space are my sanctuaries. My conversations vary.  as with any grief tool it may work one day but maybe not to that extent the next.  keep adding to your grief tool box.  I continue the conversations.  they are consistent.    

I don't know what you have access to but research salt floats.  I did those initially.  Again they were great at the time.  I will  revisit if I feel that pull toward one again.  Your best tool is listening to your body.  Even with that we need support and even permission to curl up. Right now finding that balance is hard,  Our world is shattered. we are slowly piecing it together.

You are experiencing a profound loss.  

check this out.  if interested.  A Time To Grieve (Meditations for Healing After The Death of a Loved One)  Carol Staudacher

I just purchased it.  My grief toolbox has books.   my morning ritual always involves a passage. 

[Katie32188]

On 8/30/2018 at 9:33 AM, Sunflower2 said:

yes weekly.  It is my place to release my deep grief.  My feelings.  I don't feel my friends need to experience that.  I don't dismiss my pain.  They know. They are wise and support me in other ways. I understand too that friends can't take away the pain.  I rotate my contacts so one isn't getting too much.  of course there is always the one very special friend that simply knows and loves.  The therapist hears the gut wrenching feelings of my loss. The therapist and my living space are my sanctuaries. My conversations vary.  as with any grief tool it may work one day but maybe not to that extent the next.  keep adding to your grief tool box.  I continue the conversations.  they are consistent.    

I don't know what you have access to but research salt floats.  I did those initially.  Again they were great at the time.  I will  revisit if I feel that pull toward one again.  Your best tool is listening to your body.  Even with that we need support and even permission to curl up. Right now finding that balance is hard,  Our world is shattered. we are slowly piecing it together.

You are experiencing a profound loss.  

check this out.  if interested.  A Time To Grieve (Meditations for Healing After The Death of a Loved One)  Carol Staudacher

I just purchased it.  My grief toolbox has books.   my morning ritual always involves a passage. 

I feel like counseling will help me, but I feel discouraged because I have Kaiser. I asked them to be seen once a week and they said it doesnt really work like that. I saw a counselor 2 days after, which was over 3 weeks ago. And my next appointment is this Thursday. I just dont see how going to see someone every 3 weeks is going to help me. Would it make sense to see a couple different ones? 

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, Katie32188 said:

I feel like counseling will help me, but I feel discouraged because I have Kaiser. I asked them to be seen once a week and they said it doesnt really work like that. I saw a counselor 2 days after, which was over 3 weeks ago. And my next appointment is this Thursday. I just dont see how going to see someone every 3 weeks is going to help me. Would it make sense to see a couple different ones? 

as you read through these postings you will find many shared experiences that support your journey.  You can add to your therapy by attempting grief support groups.  Many find them helpful.  Some individuals use them long term.  Some individuals use them short term.  They usually run in a series of 8+ weeks. your therapist may give you suggestions, ideas, readings etc. to work on in between visits.  Ask.  Some qualified therapists run their own support groups. There are therapist who will take clients on a sliding scale. Ask.  Don't be afraid to ask.  Your therapist may be able to have this information so you are not running in circles. Two different therapists can be conflicting. There are circumstances where that does occur but that is usually if there is a dual diagnosis and the therapists work together. You don't need all that jumble bumble overload. simply ask your therapist.  discuss these concerns with her.  

You will get through this and you will find your way to move though the pain.  Focus:  Self Care 

Your loss is so fresh and so raw.  Honor that. it does get lighter.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Katie,

I didn't know Kaiser was part of the equation that you can't see your grief counselor more often.  You might look into finding one that charges income-based, I didn't go through my insurance, I paid directly even though money was extremely tight, you might do some looking.  I can't remember but if hospice was part of this they provide counseling for a year.

Sunflower,

I think she tried a grief support group and it didn't work for her.  A lot of people can't do grief support groups so soon, some wait a couple of months, some a year, it's too hard for them to contain their emotions and even though we tell them it's okay to cry, they aren't comfortable doing that around others especially if they don't know them.  The grief support group I lead, we all became close rather quickly and I think we're all comfortable with each other, that helps.  Maybe on down the road she can try one again when she's ready.

[Katie32188]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Katie,

I didn't know Kaiser was part of the equation that you can't see your grief counselor more often.  You might look into finding one that charges income-based, I didn't go through my insurance, I paid directly even though money was extremely tight, you might do some looking.  I can't remember but if hospice was part of this they provide counseling for a year.

Sunflower,

I think she tried a grief support group and it didn't work for her.  A lot of people can't do grief support groups so soon, some wait a couple of months, some a year, it's too hard for them to contain their emotions and even though we tell them it's okay to cry, they aren't comfortable doing that around others especially if they don't know them.  The grief support group I lead, we all became close rather quickly and I think we're all comfortable with each other, that helps.  Maybe on down the road she can try one again when she's ready.

KayC, How did you find somone who charges based on income? 

[KayC]

I went through CAFA counselors.  You could try the phone book or google to find someone and just make phone calls asking around.