Painful reality

[Sheena0426]

I lost my fiancé 3 days ago from stroke at a very young age of 30. We just had a very blissful day. I received a message from him at around 11 in the evening saying how much he love me before he went back to sleep. At  around  4am, my heart was crushed upon seeing a lengthy message from his sister saying that he rushed him to the hospital when they saw him unconscious on the floor at around 12.30am and the icu doctors cannot do anything anymore due to the bleeding that occurred in his brain which immediately clotted. At 2.55 am he left the world. It happened so fast thay my brain cant even comprehend the information. Until now im in deep pain along wifh the feeling of loneliness emptiness and denial. We have a life planned ahead of us and now im faced with this great uncertainty. I cant even sleep and eat as the pain i feel consumes me more than these needs. Before i sleep my heart is in deep inconsolabable pain and when i wake up i still get that familiar pain that feels like my heart is being ripped off . Im basically lost and dont k ow where to start. I just cant believe how it all happened so fast and i terribly miss my better half. Im half a person now. He was my soulmate my partner and my everything. Now im left with a void in my heart. I really dont know what to do. I wish i can be with him. 

[Jamiei]

I’m so sorry Kylie, it’s only been 3 days I’m sure your in complete shock still! I think it took me 3 months to totally realize this is permanent, I’m never gonna see him again! Try to be around friends and family as much as you can, you will need it! I spent  about 6 months with my family and had to start dealing with everything on my own. It’s a very hard and sad road, people are here to help! Somehow it helps knowing your not the only one feeling like this!

[Marshamelna]

Hello Kylie,

I can understand what you are going through as well. I lost my husband two months after we got married, after four years of us waiting to do so. He died of accidental overdose-taking different pills for a pain. He went to bed and never woke up. He was only 36. Imagine that trauma and on top of that, he died when he was back to the states visiting his mother and me not getting to go to his funeral, because I didn't get a visa them. 

It all felt like a dream, he was my best friend- we shared everything together and never lied to each other. That was in 2009 and today I still miss him although the Lord told me it was a test and has helped me to move on. His presence surrounded me so much almost like someone hugging you. Now he has given me a platform to share my stories with readers and my third book that I will be releasing next month will be dedicated to losing loved ones, especially spouses like you and I did. 

It's called A SHATTERED LIFE RESTORED and like the main character, I thought I was cursed, afraid to let others in. You are so much like the main character in my book- she was me. I would love to share it with you. I mean to give you a free copy when it's release to lift you through this and encourage your heart as it helps me too. God has been so amazing with speaking back to me through the very words he uses me to write.

I uploaded the first chapter of the book here on my website and hope you will read it. If you will accept my gift send me your email and a note through the contact page on the website. I look forward to hearing from you and hope the first chapter will bless you some as I am sharing myself through those pages as well.

[Sheena0426]

@Jamiei 

I still cant wrap it around my head. Today is our anniv and i am left alone with all the despair and sorrow of not having him. I still text his phone despite knowing that i wont ever get a reply. Im devastated although i have my family and friends are  with me, i still cant seem to make sense of their advices. Im so numb and lost. Im beyond sad. I feel im dead inside. 

[Sheena0426]

@Marshamelna

Yes.. it felt like it was all a terrible nightmare. But it was not. Though I know that this is all part of His plan.. i still cant believe and accept it for now. This pain is almost unbaearable.

[Jamiei]

I’m almost 7 months and I still text his phone everyday!! I don’t want his messages to disappear! I’m sure your still in shock, I’m so sorry your anniversary is today that’s horrible! Dewayne and I had ours a week before he died so I haven’t had to deal with that! Hang in there it’s gonna be tough but I didn’t think I’d make it and I’m still here

[KayC]

Kylie,

Three days ago is very fresh, you're probably still in shock and a state of disbelief.  It takes much time to process our grief, give yourself all the time you need.  I'm so sorry for your loss, I remember every bit of when I went through it, 13 years ago.  I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the whole rest of my life.  I got panic attacks, my anxiety was high, I felt afraid, panicked.  One of the best pieces of advice I got was to take one day at a time, break it down into an hour or even a minute if needed.  I learned to do that and it made all the difference in the world.

I wrote this article based on what I've learned on my grief journey.  You won't likely be able to retain much of it but please print it out and save it, read it every couple of months or so, something different will resonate with you each time you read through it as you'll be in a different place each time.  I hope even one things on it is helpful to you, I'm just so sorry you're going through this too.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sheena0426]

The feeling of constant emptiness and loss of purpose and direction with so much pain and longing for him make me feel so weak.. People say i should be strong and i should let him go.. Im so fed of it! I dont even know how to be strong anymore now that he's gone. Much more i don't even know how to let him go! He's all i need. My heart is beyond broken. When he left, me heart went with him as well.

[adventure]

KylieR I know and feel the pain, fear, despair, anger, hopelessness, helplessness, frustration, emptiness, confusion....and feelings there are no words for. You are not alone with these feelings. Tom and I were making our plans and working on the logistics of our upcoming sailing trip. We went to bed. One hour after after he fell asleep he was on the floor with a heartache. He was grey when he hit the floor. Vibrant, planning, smiling and asking when we were going to get married and he wants a big honeymoon to chest compressions in 90 minutes. 

Just breathe. One painful minute at a time. As best you can, don't listen to people that haven't worn the shoes you are wearing. Yesterday a friend tried to comfort me and said Tom probably died so we couldn't resume cruising and something was going to happen while we were out. I nicely replied that if I believed that then I would have to believe that if we didn't want our dream he would still be with me. 

Scream why? Scream it until you don't have a voice left. But know there is no answer to that question that will give you relief. Because more then ANYTHING or ANYONE you want and need him with you. 

Although Tom and I did not get to have an "official" wedding, we always saw ourselves as married. He gave me a beautiful diamond and sapphire ring. His family recognizes me as his wife. This is my second husband that is dead. This is just totally unbelievable that it can happen twice. Just breathe. Come here to people that feel and understand your indescribable pain. Vent. You are going to go through a gambit of emotions and feel like you are drowning and suffocating. You are being strong just waking up in a new day without him and the future you were expecting. 

Absolutely your heart died with him. During your grief work, very very slow you will feel him in your heart again. Feel your feelings and be with people that have the same experience. You have understandable support here. 

Take care of yourself.

[Laney]

I can relate to exactly how you are feeling.  It's been two months since I lost the love of my life.  It really is way worse than I could have imagined.  I go to a grief group once a week and come to these forums.  It doesn't take any of the pain away but It helps to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way and going through this.  

As others say, the only thing we can do is take it one day (sometimes one hour) at a time.   

My last grief session focused on trying to change our self talk.  It really hit home because I've been constantly saying to myself that "I can't do this", "I won't make it", "I have no future", "I don't want to go on",etc.  They said the more we tell ourselves these things the worse those feelings will get.  I've started to stop myself when I think and feel these things and try to tell myself that "I will make it through"  "My husband would want me to be ok", etc. and it's making a tiny bit of difference.  take care....

[KayC]

Kylie, you don't ever have to let him go.  In time you'll find a way to incorporate these changes into your relationship, but understand that when their body dies, the love still continues.  

[Sheena0426]

I read each and every of your advices and comments not only once but multiple times and i wanna say that im so grateful that i was able to find this forum and find you all here.. i dont know what could have i done without all of your help.. thank you all so much for understanding and for the patience. Indeed this road is never meant to be easy. through this experience, i realized that life is very fragile.. one blink of an eye and the person you loved the most is already gone.. i think i still have a very long way to go.. when i come to work, i always check the clock coz i already want to go home and crawl in my bed and shut the door and cry.. i guess this is the new normal that i have to endure.. hopefully i will be as strong as you all.. 

[KayC]

Kylie,

You are right where you can be expected to be at this point of your journey, but it will evolve.  There will come a day there's no more tears, or at least not as frequent, and your day will seem "normal" although not your old normal.  Does that make any sense to you?  We do adjust, it takes an immense amount of time, time to cry, time to learn, time for counseling, time for books, articles, posting, journaling, I even did art therapy...so much goes into our grief work, and it's neither quick nor easy, but we get there, bit by bit.  We can't rush it, it's all a process and each of our journeys are as unique as we are, as our relationships have been.  Little by little they are incorporated into our lives in a new way.