Members Jessica0326 Posted August 22, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 Hi there my name is Michelle. My husband lost his 33 year old son last year in October to suicide. He was stunned shocked and extremely hurt. Now it has been almost a year and I need some help. I am at a loss for words. All i can do is hug him tell him I love him and I am here for him if he needs me, but he pushes me away. I have been by his side every step of the way and im not sure what I can do to help. He gets into depression not every day, but when he does I sit with him and cry with him and we talk about it. He turned to alcohol and drugs right after the funeral and it made him into an angry person and he does alot of mean things to me and our then 4 year old daughter. He will not drink at home he goes out bar hopping and doesnt come home until 12-2am 6 days a week. I tried talking to him telling that this lifestyle he is turning to is going to wind up killing him. He is driving home drunk and when he goes out will not answer my calls at all. I dont know how much more I can take of it. I wait up for him to come home and I ask him why does he drink himself to this point and drive home like this. Our daughter asks me every night where is Daddy and I dont know what to say. She never sees him anymore and neither do I. I need some help. What can I do to help him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Devianz Posted August 22, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 I am going to say some things that will probably not be what you want to hear. You are worthy of love and kindness, and you deserve to be treated well. You are doing enough, and you are enough. His problems have nothing to do with who you are or what you have done or not done for him, and you need to take care of yourself and your daughter first before him. Practice self-care and take frequent breaks to remember to breathe. You are worthy. No one should ever be mean to a four year old or to you, you did nothing to deserve that even if he says you did. He is an alcoholic and an addict. There are great groups out there like Al-Anon that can help you and support you, and you should go to a local meeting and start listening because you have made yourself vulnerable (which is not negative, but very courageous) and he is taking advantage of you. He is putting your life and your daughter's life in jeopardy by continuing his risky behaviors and that is not acceptable. You are worthy of love and compassion. If your husband is drinking and doing drugs, then you need to not enable that behavior. He is numbing his pain, and unfortunately when you numb one type of pain it does not allow you to feel joy, happiness, or compassion for other people. He is disconnecting from everyone because he chooses not to feel pain. There may be moments where he shows tears, anger and pain but then he repeats the numbing behaviors. He is going through a lot of guilt and shame right now, and probably feels like he has failed as a father and when he is home, he is reminded that he has a daughter who he will also fail. There is no light for him without help. He needs to get some therapy to break his cycle, but you cannot make him go. But you cannot sacrifice yourself and your daughter to save him. The only person who can save him, is him. I know that it's hard to hear, but you can't save him. He has to want to come back to a place where pain is open and he can be vulnerable. Often that is not with a spouse because men are taught that they are the knight on the white horse, saving everyone. That brings a lot of shame when they feel like they have fallen off the horse. They believe (as most were raised) that the white horse and knighthood is what is necessary to be a man. Failure is not an option so they numb the pain to get through work and other things so they do not feel the shame and fear that comes along with the pain. But he needs to go deal with his pain away from you and your daughter for a time. If he is hurting you and your daughter, you MUST protect her and not think of him first. He can find his way, but you do not need to throw yourself and your happiness and joy under the bus. Encourage him to get help, and then tell him that he must leave the house until he is better. It's the kindest and most compassionate thing you can do for him, but it is also the hardest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jessica0326 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 Thank you so much for that. It is hard to hear but I have sheltered my daughter from alot of things and I continue to do so. She is my main focus. I have been encouraging him to get help and go talk to someone but he wont go. I have even tried telling him that he is pushing me away and will lose me and our daughter if this doesnt stop. I just feel so horrible i feel like i shouldnt make him leave in his time of need. I cannot even imagine the pain he is in because i have never lost a child. But i have never left his side through this. I'm just getting tired of this lifestyle the drinking the drugs and he promises me each time he comes home too far gone that he will try to stop but he doesnt and lies to me about it and then tells me im pushing him away by getting on his case. My daughter asks me every night why daddy doesnt come home anymore and she hurts because of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Devianz Posted August 22, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 Michelle, It might help you to know that I am going through something similar with my own spouse after the death of our son. I am just a little farther along in the journey, and I know just how hard it is to ask someone who is in need to leave. But asking him to go, and giving him the ultimatum to go is the only compassionate thing you can do for him. Right now, you provide a dumping ground for the spill over of his pain after he's done numbing himself. It's not healthy for you or your child (and as a child of an alcoholic I remember a lot from when I was 4 and older) who is confused and feeling a lot of shame and unworthiness right now as her daddy isn't there for her. You can't fix him, you can't save him, you have to let him save himself. The only way to do that is to take yourself and your daughter out from under his pain. He very well may drown, and it might be excruciating for you to watch but you are just as worthy of love and compassion. You are a mother, and your child needs you and as vulnerable as your husband is... he is not opening doors and letting you in, he is just making you the victim of his run-off for not dealing with his own self-care and problems. It is not fair or loving to you, and you deserve better. Margo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jessica0326 Posted August 22, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 Wow, thank you so much this really helps. Im going to give him an ultimatum and do exactly what you told me. The other thing that bothers me is he's dwelling on the death of his son which i completely understand, like I said I have never experienced the loss of a child, but he also has another son and he pushes his other son away more than he pushes me away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tommy's mum Posted August 22, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2018 jessica devianz is completely correct with her advice. You and your daughter do deserve better and need to be safe and loved and protected. Your husband is acting out his pain and trying to distance himself from the emotions even though on one level he knows that is wrong. He then probably feels guilt which makes him angry and so he uses those crutches to cope. that is his choice but it does not have to be your choice. Tough love is very hard to do but wrecking other innocent lives is not acceptable so you need to be the strong one and take steps to distance yourself until your husband makes better choices and deals with his grief appropriately. I know it probably feels like kicking a man when he id already down but in reality it is showing him his behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. It will either make him seek help and change or continue what he is doing. Either way you are putting your daughter first and taking some control of your lives back and will be able to help you find a life again either with or without him. This is not your fault and you should not be blamed for what happened to his son. I think you and your daughter would benefit from some counselling too so that you can parent a young child who feels abandoned and ignored by her father. I truly hope your husband will change and that your family will be reconciled but if that is not the case just assure your daughter you will always be there for her and that you will both be ok. Find your inner strength it is there I promise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Devianz Posted August 23, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 23, 2018 We don't know how strong we really are until something is threatening the nest before our babies are ready to fly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bea8924 Posted August 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 25, 2018 Thank you for your post. I'm going through a similar situation. My husband is pushing me away after the loss of our daughter. I do my best to help him cope but he says mean things that hurt my feelings. No drug or alcohol use but the replays were really helpful for me to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Onedayonemother Posted August 25, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 25, 2018 My heart hurts every second... the pain is powerful, I am always in a state of confusion and despair. Cynthia passed away October 23rd 2016. Everyday is like a dream. Somedays I tried to be normal other days turns to sadness, numbness, sorrow, depression and loneliness. I just want to talk about my daughter. Others feels I am crazy, even as far as telling me to forget that she died and continue with life. My ex-boyfriend left the room and started sleeping in the basement his excuse was that I cry a lot. My Princess was 33yrs young, a happy camper, beautiful inside and out, she was a great caregiver to anyone who came around her. I really miss my beautiful PRINCESS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Devianz Posted August 27, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2018 On 8/24/2018 at 8:56 PM, Bea8924 said: Thank you for your post. I'm going through a similar situation. My husband is pushing me away after the loss of our daughter. I do my best to help him cope but he says mean things that hurt my feelings. No drug or alcohol use but the replays were really helpful for me to read. I fought going to marriage counseling for too long, we waited two years to start, and it is too late now. We are still going, but I don't have any hope of reconciliation, but it is helping us get through our grief so that we can parent our youngest son. Working through the grief is important both separately and together, and both of you need to talk with each other about your thoughts or feelings about what you are experiencing. There is almost always shame and guilt when you lose a child, and the more you can open up and clear up any misconceptions or distorted thinking, the better off you will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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