When does it get bearable?

[AJ65]

My dad died in February but my mother,  my best friend,  the one I cared for,  who cared for me died two weeks ago. I thought I was doing ok but the past few days and recently I am a mess. My heart is broken. I feel so alone. My husband is great and i have good friends but I actually think how much do my friends want to hear my grief?  

 

I am crying at random times. People say it comes in waves. True. Sometimes it is tsunamis. Sometimes a constant lapping at the shore of my heart. My mother was so much to me. I go to work because I have to. I'l need any time i might have off to deal with logistical things at some point. And what would I do, sit and cry some more? 

I just feel so alone without her in the world. I try to be grateful that I had her and had such a good relationship with her but it doesn't help the pain now. Hospice was her decision. She was not in pain at the very end. I'm grateful for that too. I reach for the phone so many times to call her. I'm just a mess. 

Everyone grieves differently. Will it get better?

Thanks

[Olliesworld]

It will. Life will never feel the same but you’ll eventually find a new normal. The first 4 weeks for me were the most excruciatingly painful days of my life. I felt as if I was going to die because I hurt so bad. I cried non stop. I couldn’t go to work for a few weeks so props to you. It’s been 5 months and a lot of that shocking pain has subsided and some days are good but others I still breakdown. Usually at night after everyone has fallen asleep. I’m definitely dealing with depression but I do see a glimpse of light ahead. I just had a daughter so I have to do it for her. IT GETS BETTER. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

AJ65,

I too reach want to reach for the phone to call my mother. I’m in her house and want to call out to her and have her respond. I want her to walk through the door. I have to remind myself she’s not just out at the store and coming back. It’s rough what are brains do when in grief. There’s a book called “The Year If Wishful thinking”. I am experiencing that. Wishing she was still here. Realizing all the things I depended on her for. Little things like when I was making a casserole last night and would normally ask her advice. Others think “It’s just a casserole, no big deal”. But they don’t realize it’s symptomatic and symbolic of ALL the things I will miss and miss out on. Plans unfinished. Robbed if the years we should have had. I’m just grateful that her and I were so close. That we understood each other like no one else. It tears me apart that I lost her and now I feel so alone...but wouldn’t trade all of that for anything (meaning to not be close and then feel less). Do things in her honor, memorializing her and that grief will change. It won’t go away, you have to feel it all...but it will change. Love and light to you. 

[adventure]

My mother died in December 2015. She had difficult childhood but was a wonderful mother! She was 7 months pregnant with my brother when my 8 year old brother was hit by a car and died. Needless to say she was devasted. Her life would get harder. My parents divorced.  My 27 year old sister was murdered, then 10 years later my youngest sister died in a car accident with her 22 month old son. My brother became addicted to crack cocaine. My mother was strong and I was the closest to her. The oldest. I never wanted to let her down. She developed trigeminal neuralgia, debilitating jaw nerve pain. They call it suicide pain. It was misdiagnosed as TMJ so she didn't get proper relief for years. In 2014 she suffered a stroke that left her speechless and unable to move her right side. I had to place her in a nursing home because I still needed to work. It shattered my heart she had to live this way after she had endured so much in her life already. The jaw pain was dormant for about 6 months right after the stroke but when it returned it came back even worse. In December of 2015 she had a second stroke that fortunately she didn't wake up from. I told her to go home and be with her children and all of her other beloveds that are in heaven. We prayed so much something like that would happen. She couldn't communicate with us but could understand and just listen to our conversations. She was stuck in a failed body. Her death was bittersweet. More sweet then bitter as she is free of the constant emotional and physical pain that was always present in her life. I know that is my perspective and she would say it wasn't that bad. She was always grateful for everything and I don't recall her complaining much at all!!

In 2005 my husband of 20 years died in our front yard. He was 42. My mother was devastated and heartbroken. They were very very close. He was the son relationship that didn't happen with her sons. She was there to sit with me and cry and cry. She's NOT here to help me with my present loss. My second husband died May 25. Sudden heartache. My life is just inhiliated. 

Im feeling the loss of my mother in a deeper way then I did when she died. Her absence is huge. While it get better? It changes. The edge comes off the severity. You learn in time how to live with it better. Grief is not linear it's cyclical. Eventually the good memories do feel like that again....good.