Can't wrap my head around this

[Brights]

My dad passed away. Only 48 hours ago. 

I had just arrived home from a weekend with my boyfriend and received a phone call I'll never forget: "Your dad never woke up this morning." When I got to his house, I was met by two police officers instead of the man I called Dad for 22 years. No bear hug, no smiles. He was there lying in his bed, in the same position he always slept in. Painless, peaceful. 

And the timing of this. We had just begun rebuilding our relationship after a messy divorce 13 years ago made him miss out on a large chunk of my life. Being a daddy's girl growing up, I was so excited to overcome this riff and continue where we left off. 

I knew he had struggled with his own personal demons. He used to be such a handsome and strong man, but he seemed to give up recently. His home was dirty and he was unkempt. I keep asking myself "Why didn't you just reach out to me, dad? I was right here. I could've helped..."

I have so many questions to ask. I'm so angry that he was taken away from me. We missed out on so many of my teenage years together and now I'll need to live the rest of my life without him here. I'm so lost. I'm so confused. I just want to text him and him tell me it'll be alright. It's been 48 hours and I miss him so much. 

[Beatriz]

I am so sorry to read about your sudden loss, Brights. I understand your shock and anger. Death’s timing can never be right for those who love. Such news can never be welcome but hearing them over the phone and from strangers must have been terribly upsetting for you.

A father plays a major role in our lives. I am glad you were in the process of resuming a relationship with your dad - I am sure he appreciated that you managed to overcome the distance and were willing to try and share your life with him again and before his journey on this earth ended. Of course you wanted to do more for him but what if having you close again was all he wanted? 

Again I am very sorry Brights. I wish I could find more words to comfort you. My heart goes out to you.

 

[AJ65]

My father and I had a relationship that was rebuilding (for a long time). He died in February.  It is another layer of loss for you to feel, the fact that things might have been more worth you both in time.  Be gentle with yourself. Try not to play the what if in your head.   I am so sorry for your loss.   

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Brights,

Love to you. I know what it’s like. In a different way (with losing my brother and dealing with first responders, police, and forensics). They were cold to me and it was such a shock because I didn’t expect to lose him). No hugs, no goodbye, no being able to hold him or comfort him. Expecting to have so much more time together and be close. Share things. And build on our relationship. Hurting because now it won’t happen and feeling such painful grief and confusion. I was supposed to see him the week I lost him. We were going to celebrate his and my birthdays. I found him the night before my birthday. It was traumatic❤️ and I can empathize with your feelings.

When you feel ready... Write it out. All of it. A list of everything you’ll miss and won’t get to experience. Write out what you did experience and what your grateful for. It will hurt like hell, but you have to get it out. I’m glad your sharing your feelings and not holding them in. If you the resources to find a counselor that could help. It has helped me. I’m learning to cope. Slowly, but surely.

So many hugs to you.

Nicole