Mom

[Olliesworld]

My sweet mom passed away 5 months ago unexpectedly and traumatically (hanging suicide) when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter. My sweet girl is now 2 months old and has a very sad, angry mama. She seems to be the only light in my life these days. I just found this website so I thought I’d give it a try. It’s hard to connect with/get support from people who have no idea what I’m going through. My mom was my best friend in the whole entire world. I always knew she was a little sad but I guess I didn’t know the extent of it. I feel like my life has shattered into pieces and I’m not sure which piece to pick up first. Everyday seems like a battle and now there’s a newborn involved. I feel so angry. I feel like I hate my boyfriend, when all he wants to do is help. I feel like life will never get better. I’m constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I’m afraid something will happen to my daughter or another one of my family members. I’m being swallowed by fear and sadness. I miss my mom so much every single second of every single day. Life just feels empty now. I keep looking up grief therapists but always stop when I see the number to call. I know I need help, just don’t know where to start. People keep telling me to pray but I don’t want to talk to god. I don’t see how he is real right now. Deep down I know he is. I’m just so angry. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Olliesworld,

Everything your feeling is so valid. I lost my mom last month and know the pain of losing your favorite person. I can only imagine what it’s like to have a newborn while tour in this grief. I would want my mom ther too, giving me guidance and experiencing all those firsts with me. Keep feeling your emotions and get then out. I hope that as you do, you’ll start to find moments to share with your newborn how your mom was with you. I do that with my niece and nephews. I do the special things with them like my mom did with me. It’s sad, but it helps and creates an outlet and new memory. Dialing the number for a therapist can be daunting. But I hope you’ll push forward, pull up the number and hit the call button. Try not to think beyond dialing. Just start with that. You deserve to have someone guiding and heloing you theough this unbearable grief and a therapist will do that. Little by little, you’ll get there. Sending love and prayers your way for courage, strength, hope and moments of peace.