The torture of not knowing.

[leahhlanii]

So I only had the pleasure of knowing Cameron just a few short months, but in those months we grew very close, very fast. We met in California, while both vacationing to Catalina Island with mutual friends. I live in California, but he was visiting from Texas. We had the most amazing week together. I mean, how could you not while on vacation on such a beautiful island? When it was time for him to fly back, we texted his whole trip and talked on the phone while he waited at the airport. When he returned to work the following day, he called me on his way, which was 4:30am my time. He did this every single day for over a month. I would wake up to his phone call, talk to him for the 20-30 minutes it took him to get to work, then I would go back to sleep and wake up to sweet text messages from him. And like clockwork, every single night, we would facetime for hours on end, just enjoying each other's company the best way we could. Again, this went on for over a month. I'm not one to fall for someone easily, but he was everything I had ever wanted in a partner and we talked about and planned our future together, including visiting each other at least once per month and eventually moving to the same state. He appreciated everything about me that I wished someone would. He brought out the light within me. We had talked about me going to visit him because he was trying to sell me on moving to Texas, and he had already pre-planned the whole weekend that I would visit that first week we met. Unfortunately, I had tons of upcoming trips already planned, so we were trying to figure out the best time for me to come. I was in Michigan visiting my family and we facetimed the entire time like we always did. I met his parents via facetime & he met mine and all of my childhood friends.

On Sunday night we were facetiming and he was trying to convince me to go to Texas instead of back to California when my trip to Michigan commenced, so I looked up tickets and figured out that it would only be an extra $150 to change my flights and go visit him the following weekend instead, but I would have to get my shifts at work covered first. By early Monday afternoon I had gotten my shifts covered and excitedly told him how I was going to go visit him! Later that night he texted me asking if I would be able to facetime him soon "because that way it wouldn't be like he's drinking whiskey alone." I facetimed him as soon as I got to my friends house, who had just picked me up from my sister's house. Cameron was soooooooo overly excited that I had to tell him to calm down because he was talking over my best friend. & if you knew me, you would understand that I am usually the one being told to calm down, so my bff knew that I had met my match. He was incredibly sweet and won over not only my heart, but my bffs heart as well. We hung up via facetime so that I could buy my ticket to go see him that weekend & I told him that I would call him back as soon as I was done. Before we hung up, he kissed the phone and said, "I can't wait to see you, babe" and I kissed the phone and said "I can't wait to see you either." Right after we hung up he told me he was "going to finish cleaning his house so it would be in decent shape for a beautiful guest like (myself)" followed by a kiss face emoji. I replied 6 minutes later with "You're absolutely amazing and I couldn't appreciate you more than I do right now" followed by a heart emoji. He didn't respond within 20 minutes, which was really out of character for him, but I didn't think too much of it because I knew he was cleaning and I was busy buying my tickets on my phone. When all of my tickets were bought, I texted him pictures of my itinerary then tried calling him. He didn't answer. At this point it had been around 45 minutes so I just assumed he had fallen asleep since he had not only been drinking whiskey, but had told me that he had also taken some xanax earlier for no reason other than recreational use. The next morning he didn't call...I tried calling him with no answer. I called repeatedly and also texted him not to be late for work since he had been late the week before. After 3.5 hours of texting him and worrying, begging him to let me know that he was okay, still nothing. My last text to him was "Seriously worried that you're dead." About an hour and fifteen minutes later I get a text from an unknown number saying "I know you've been talking with Cameron, but he committed suicide last night and you won't be hearing from him again." I immediately replied "Who is this? Is this a joke?" To which I got the response, "No. This is Jill, Cameron's mom." My heart sunk and I started crying, trying to process what was happening. I called Jill right then because I needed more answers than what she was providing. I asked her how it happened, she told me he shot himself. I assured her that there was no way he did it on purpose and explained how I had facetimed him the night before and that we only hung up so that I could buy my ticket to go see him. At this point she understood that her theory may not be accurate. We hung up and I sent her our last texts to each other...She responded with "I'm starting to think that this is just a terrible accident." To which I agreed. I messaged her asking her to let me know when the funeral would be, since I had already purchased my plane tickets to Texas.

Two days later, I received a message from his father saying how his heart goes out to me and letting me know when the service would be. I told him that I would be attending the funeral. Having so many unanswered questions since the situation looked like suicide, his dad wanted to talk to me to get my insight on what happened since I was the closest person to him and the last person to see him alive even it was via facetime. His dad and his uncle picked me up from the airport and we went and had drinks while I told them about the last 24 hours of Cameron's life and showed them our messages and time stamps of our conversations. His dad knew it was an accident because his dog was in the room with him and he loved that dog more than anything in the world. He was such an animal lover (despite being an avid hunter and gun lover) and he would never do something so terrible with his dog in the room. They also wanted to rule out fowl play since him and his roommate weren't necessarily friends, but I assured them (even though I'm not even so sure myself) that it was an accident. I know he would never hang up with me and have me buy my ticket to go see him just to take his own life. None of it makes sense. He loved his stupid guns though and always had his pistol just laying around in his room. & I'm sure he had played with it a thousand times, but it only takes one time...especially when you've taken xanax and have been drinking whiskey. I can pretty much narrow it down to a 20 minute window of when it happened, although his body wasn't found for 6 hours when his roommate found him the next morning when he went to wake him up for work. But where was his roommate the week before when he was late? Why did he go wake him up this time? Did he in fact do it or was it just a terrible accident?

I attended his funeral all alone with only his dad, his mom and his uncle knowing who I was and my role in everything. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm glad I was able to bring his family some sort of closure.

Now, it's been 2 months and it's hitting me even harder. I feel like he took a part of me with him that I will never get back. I am usually a very happy person, which is one of the things he appreciated the most about me, and I know he would be upset knowing that I am so incredibly sad. I'm full of all sorts of emotions and I feel bad because, yes I didn't know him that long, but we were so much a part of each other's lives and I was there right up until the end. It kills me not knowing what exactly happened that night and that I will never know. I feel so alone and also so stupid for not being able to overcome this sadness. I know people have loved and lost people whom they loved a lot longer, but I am more upset over the fact that I felt like he were my soul mate and we were just starting this incredible journey together, only to have it so suddenly and tragically taken away. 

I keep wondering why God would put him in my life just to take him away and I've come to the conclusion that had it not been for our daily conversations and facetimes, his family would forever think it were suicide. I was the only person who was able to bring peace of mind to them in that sense, but it also doesn't make it any easier. I know I'm tough and I am probably handling this a lot better than most would, but I just can't shake this inherent sadness...this hole that is left that I cannot fill. & it drives me crazy not knowing who to be mad it. I just want to be mad. Mad at him for playing with his gun, taking xanax while drinking...for leaving me. Mad at his roommate or someone else for potentially killing him...I just don't know how to feel other than complete and utter sadness in my soul and I absolutely hate it. My friends can all tell something is wrong and even though everyone knows what's wrong, there's nothing anyone can do and they don't even know what to say...which I get...I don't even know what to think or feel so how could they possibly know what to say?

I'm sorry for ranting. I just really needed to get this out and I am trying to find support from anyone who can even remotely relate. 

[Glolilly]

I am sorry for your loss of love for now and your future. As a widow, I feel your pain and share the heartache and disappointment. As a current nurse of 34 years, I must say that the two things consumed are known dangerous combinations that some experience moderate to serious consequences. It may not have been known to him. It also alters your coordination and mental capacity in foggy forgetting of safety precautions with handling weapons. Why did it happen now? He may have gotten so excited. He may have  been careless in how much he took. But we will never really know for sure what he was thinking. He sounded truly happy and in love so you can cherish those memories. If we want to be mad, that is normal. But to whom, God, the boyfriend who didn't know. Well God do allow us to be free moral agents. We are not robots. We make choices. You can influence others to make choices but it is entirely up to them. As soon as you are not around, they will ultimately decide alone to do something they assume is harmless. Children do it, young adults and even older adults. People are made up of stuff before they are born and are shaped by their environment as they grow and meet other people and get involved in habits. We sometimes don't really know what or how a person we know for weeks, months and even years will react. Some people handle emotions and events in various ways. I was married for 25 years but often told my husband, you don't tell me everything do you and he would say no calmly. I let it go because he was very close and private with his family and some men friends. I knew he was a Christian, and wasn't seeing women or doing drugs or drinking or what not. I knew he felt I at times got overly emotional and talkative at times, he said. So I lived with knowing him partially, about 60-70% i would guess. So you may meet some that say they know their man 101% and I would say that's great but I don't know myself 100% in all circumstances beforehand. Just know that you and he lived in the moment the best of your ability at that time. All we have is that present time not the future. Tomorrow is not a for sure thing that anyone can boast of. If one lives 25 years they were given a gift. If 30 or 40 and so on. Some are only here for to encourage us a short while as we must journey on longer for a higher purpose and mission. But at the same time we must realize many factors play a part in how long we stay on this earth. Our choices, our mission and Gods grace. God's purpose for your life is with Cameron inspiration he inspired in you and your strength you will have from this. May God Bless your life.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, to just meet the love of your life, and then to lose him, so senseless...I know you have a lot of unanswered questions that you may never get the answers to and that too can drive one nuts, I think we've all asked WHY and not gotten any answers, not sure there IS a why.  I'm sure you're correct, that he would not commit suicide, everything was looking bright for you guys and he was excited to have you come.  Anger is common in grief, we have so many emotions, they can be all over the place and even conflicting emotions at the same time...all of them normal.  No one gets over this grief just like that, please be patient and understanding of yourself, grief has a beginning but not an ending, but don't worry, it won't always be this intense level of pain either, we do adjust although I can't say when because we're all different and there's a lot of factors that affect our progression through this.  It might help for you to make an appointment with a professional grief counselor, they can help you through this maze of grief.  

it is not the length of time we were together that determines our grief, it is the connection we had.  Embrace the good you had with him, know that your love continues, I totally believe we'll be with them again when it's our time.  You're not alone in your grief, you've found a good place to come to and it helps to express yourself, it validates our feelings, helps us process our grief.

[Elizabeth88]

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my boyfriend a month ago. It hasn't been easy. I was the one who found him but it was too late. I got help as soon as I found him but the paramedics could not revive him. Like you I only knew him a short time. We met at work end of January and we kept in touch even after he quit three weeks later. We spent 4-5 days of the week together in the last few months when he was alive. I got so used to his company and it felt so nice to have finally met someone who shared the same interests and was willing to explore new things in life. He was drinking alcohol the night before and they found pills (some which he crushed) he didn't have a prescription for and it makes me sad because I never saw him have this around me. He was a smart guy and knew the risks of mixing this together but its killing me to not know what was his thought process. I know it was an accident and he didn't do it intentionally but I also feel angry and sad at his choices. Like you I went to his funeral. Only his aunt, uncle, mom, grandma spoke to me. His siblings didn't. It was so odd to me meeting his family like this. It broke my heart. He meant so much to me and I miss him everyday. I feel like no one understands and they just tell me to be strong and move on. That's not so easy to do. Ive gone back to work and try to stay busy but I think about him everyday. I wish there was more I could say to bring comfort to you. All I can tell you is you're not alone. That pain you're feeling I feel it everyday.  I honestly don't feel like anyone else can understand unless they've experienced it as well. My boyfriend died so young, he was only 28 and it feels unfair he was taken so soon. Still haven't gotten the results of the autopsy to confirmed what did it and that is also hard to deal with. 

[KayC]

Elizabeth,

I am sorry for your loss.  It's very hard to go through, especially so young.  It helps to know there's others making there way through this and you're not alone in it.  I hope you'll continue to read and post here.

[leahhlanii]

On 8/24/2018 at 12:10 AM, Elizabeth88 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my boyfriend a month ago. It hasn't been easy. I was the one who found him but it was too late. I got help as soon as I found him but the paramedics could not revive him. Like you I only knew him a short time. We met at work end of January and we kept in touch even after he quit three weeks later. We spent 4-5 days of the week together in the last few months when he was alive. I got so used to his company and it felt so nice to have finally met someone who shared the same interests and was willing to explore new things in life. He was drinking alcohol the night before and they found pills (some which he crushed) he didn't have a prescription for and it makes me sad because I never saw him have this around me. He was a smart guy and knew the risks of mixing this together but its killing me to not know what was his thought process. I know it was an accident and he didn't do it intentionally but I also feel angry and sad at his choices. Like you I went to his funeral. Only his aunt, uncle, mom, grandma spoke to me. His siblings didn't. It was so odd to me meeting his family like this. It broke my heart. He meant so much to me and I miss him everyday. I feel like no one understands and they just tell me to be strong and move on. That's not so easy to do. Ive gone back to work and try to stay busy but I think about him everyday. I wish there was more I could say to bring comfort to you. All I can tell you is you're not alone. That pain you're feeling I feel it everyday.  I honestly don't feel like anyone else can understand unless they've experienced it as well. My boyfriend died so young, he was only 28 and it feels unfair he was taken so soon. Still haven't gotten the results of the autopsy to confirmed what did it and that is also hard to deal with. 

Thank you so much for sharing Elizabeth. Cameron was also 28. It's crazy how similar our situations are. In a weird way it brings me comfort knowing I am not the only one who has gone through this. I am so incredibly sorry that you were the one that found him. That must make it so much harder. Know that I am here for you if you ever want to talk. You can add me on Facebook if you would like. My name is Leah Lani. <3