I feel like an alien

[Sc39]

Before i lost my husband of 10 years who was only 38 years old, i did not think such a thing was possible. In my country, most young people die because of accidents, or crime. This is what the news report anyway. I am sure other young people die of health related issues, but i don't know many. This is why i feel like i am in an alternate universe, one in which i have been marked for misfortune. I work in a place with over 150 people, and only one person has lost a spouse at a young age. I am a rare exception to the rule that spouses generally live long enough to see their children grow up and reach adulthood. I don't want to be the anomaly. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want my children to be the ones pitied by other parents when they are in school. Yet here i am. 

I don't know why i am the one who was dealt this losing hand in life. I was the one who everybody envied....i had a brilliant, handsome, successful husband and thriving, happy children. Now i am the one pitied...i pity myself so it isn't hard to figure that others pity me now. It is a difficult transition to accept. 

Everybody says life is unfair, but it generally refers to finances, or to childlessness...this is a different level of unfair. It is unfair that my children and i have to experience pain of an unbearable and torturous level. It is unfair that i must now worry about finances every single day. It is unfair that i am singly responsible for parenting. It is unfair that i must one day re enter the world and face all the complete, happy families and couples in love. 

Widowhood is not common. Not where i am from. And not at 39. 

[Jamiei]

I felt the same way until I joined this forum! I assumed I was the only one going through this pain, but unfortunately that’s not the case! It seems every time I log in there’s someone new!  Your right this is a whole different level of unfairness! It’s debilitating!

[LeannC45]

4 hours ago, Sc39 said:

Before i lost my husband of 10 years who was only 38 years old, i did not think such a thing was possible. In my country, most young people die because of accidents, or crime. This is what the news report anyway. I am sure other young people die of health related issues, but i don't know many. This is why i feel like i am in an alternate universe, one in which i have been marked for misfortune. I work in a place with over 150 people, and only one person has lost a spouse at a young age. I am a rare exception to the rule that spouses generally live long enough to see their children grow up and reach adulthood. I don't want to be the anomaly. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want my children to be the ones pitied by other parents when they are in school. Yet here i am. 

I don't know why i am the one who was dealt this losing hand in life. I was the one who everybody envied....i had a brilliant, handsome, successful husband and thriving, happy children. Now i am the one pitied...i pity myself so it isn't hard to figure that others pity me now. It is a difficult transition to accept. 

Everybody says life is unfair, but it generally refers to finances, or to childlessness...this is a different level of unfair. It is unfair that my children and i have to experience pain of an unbearable and torturous level. It is unfair that i must now worry about finances every single day. It is unfair that i am singly responsible for parenting. It is unfair that i must one day re enter the world and face all the complete, happy families and couples in love. 

Widowhood is not common. Not where i am from. And not at 39. 

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. Loss is unfair and trying to assemble a whole new life is so very hard. Keep coming to this site there are so many of us here on the same journey and maybe through the support of each other we will slowly find our way. I wish you strength.

[Glolilly]

Hello, I think at any age, me at 59, husband was 57, we don't want any part of this widow group. I think I'll change the name for myself to former wife. Yes, I hate pity but that image fades with time. I knew a lady that had 10 kids back in the day and her husband went to work and never came back home. The neighborhood helped her and most of them kids went to college and were successful. We thought the guy was dead but he showed back up 20 years later with another woman. That was 50 years ago. So I'm not sure why fate has hidden twists and turns but with slow  perseverance, we can press on and raise hearty successful children. At 60, and as a nurse, I'm seeing younger adults face more health challenges from various factors from stress, changing food sources that alter genetics, medications causing side effects, competitive markets, etc that my grandparents didn't face. The older people had different stressor than we do. Time was slower, mothers were at home... Anyway, a loved one comes with factors that are not always seen or known. My husband's father died at the same age of the same thing. As a nurse I couldn't believe I didn't see any signs. I thought, would I had married him if I knew this would happen? Most say, yes but my pain and shame says, no. I too was the seemly perfect couple. But we weren't perfect in every way but we shaped pieces into a perfect mold because we had that drive with God and love as the center. I have to find a new shape and mold now. Only if I could go back in the time capsule and change the outcome some how, as if I was God. Why God him? No one that he picks out for us will be truly perfect, we just look over their faults. Life isn't perfect. We see movies of perfect couples, perfect endings. But we are not all identical but different. Every book is different with many, many endings. They are all gems and precious. God bless.

[KayC]

Sc39,

I am so sorry...you are right, life IS unfair.  My husband died five days after his 51st birthday, we didn't see it coming, it was a shock.  My friends/family didn't lose their mates, 13 years later they still all have theirs even though now they're much older.  Nope, it was me that was left alone to weather the recession, losing my job three times, to face surgery and recuperation alone, to face growing old alone.  You're right, nothing fair about it.  But there are other young people losing their spouse as you can see on this forum.  Yuyu is even younger and he lost his wife on their honeymoon.  I had three friends die at 39 from medical conditions.  It happens.

You don't say how long ago you lost him or what country you're from.  I hope you'll look around here and read the threads, it helps to know you aren't alone.  I wrote this article based on what I've learned on my journey, I hope even one thing in it will speak to you where you are at.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Michelene]

On 8/21/2018 at 10:42 AM, Sc39 said:

Before i lost my husband of 10 years who was only 38 years old, i did not think such a thing was possible. In my country, most young people die because of accidents, or crime. This is what the news report anyway. I am sure other young people die of health related issues, but i don't know many. This is why i feel like i am in an alternate universe, one in which i have been marked for misfortune. I work in a place with over 150 people, and only one person has lost a spouse at a young age. I am a rare exception to the rule that spouses generally live long enough to see their children grow up and reach adulthood. I don't want to be the anomaly. I don't want to be a widow. I don't want my children to be the ones pitied by other parents when they are in school. Yet here i am. 

I don't know why i am the one who was dealt this losing hand in life. I was the one who everybody envied....i had a brilliant, handsome, successful husband and thriving, happy children. Now i am the one pitied...i pity myself so it isn't hard to figure that others pity me now. It is a difficult transition to accept. 

Everybody says life is unfair, but it generally refers to finances, or to childlessness...this is a different level of unfair. It is unfair that my children and i have to experience pain of an unbearable and torturous level. It is unfair that i must now worry about finances every single day. It is unfair that i am singly responsible for parenting. It is unfair that i must one day re enter the world and face all the complete, happy families and couples in love. 

Widowhood is not common. Not where i am from. And not at 39. 

Sc39, I too feel like an alien--I am 55, my husband was 48...no one in my family--siblings, cousins, etc--in my generation--has lost a spouse. That's for the generation before us--parents, aunts, uncles, etc. None of my friends have lost a spouse...no one I work with, no one. I feel somewhat "marked," like a different species. Sometimes I feel that people wish I would go away and work somewhere else...one of my friends recommended a book by Megan Devine, titled "It's Ok You're Not Ok"--she lost her husband at 38, too. It was a helpful book, for me.