CRIED ALL DAY

[LeannC45]

Yesterday I missed my husband so bad I literally cried all day long. This pain is so deep and the despair you feel is so consuming. I just wish with all my heart that I could have my husband back. I don't understand why he was taken so soon. I know that we all feel this way. It just hurts so bad. It is hard to accept that I can't change this. Sometimes I don't know how I am really supposed to move on. I know I have to but when grief hits as hard as it did yesterday I feel so weak and vulnerable and thoughts of not wanting to move on cross my mind. Today I feel a little better but I still feel very exhausted and sensitive. 

[Nely]

@LeannC45, I completely relate to this. I wish there was a way to bring my husband back. I'd do everything within my power to do it.  I wish I have comforting words to offer. I'm sorry I don't.

Wish us all the strength we can get to live...

[Sunflower2]

3 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Yesterday I missed my husband so bad I literally cried all day long. This pain is so deep and the despair you feel is so consuming. I just wish with all my heart that I could have my husband back. I don't understand why he was taken so soon. I know that we all feel this way. It just hurts so bad. It is hard to accept that I can't change this. Sometimes I don't know how I am really supposed to move on. I know I have to but when grief hits as hard as it did yesterday I feel so weak and vulnerable and thoughts of not wanting to move on cross my mind. Today I feel a little better but I still feel very exhausted and sensitive. 

We understand LeannC45.   those moments of despair can become a day of despair.  grief is exhausting.  sunday was my day for total despair and crying most of day.  I did not feel I could go on.  Monday I moved. Pushed myself to move. It was a lighter day but today will be quiet.  I did what I needn't and now its curling up.  Allow yourself to feel exhausted. we know we have to move through this.  it still doesn't make this easier. maybe today pamper yourself?  a hot soak in the tub? I went to the bookstore yesterday.  a bookstore was always centering but I haven't had that need so it has been years since I walked into one.  There was a calm and for a couple hours my world felt "normal." Find that calm in one tiny little self care push.   xo

[BetsyD]

We are all in this together, feeling the same just to different degrees and in different stages. I keep telling myself "today is the day I will get something done" and that is, 90% of the time, as far as the energy level goes. Yesterday I did laundry and felt accomplished. Today I went to the grocery store and I am exhausted. The littlest, most trivial and mundane chores take all the energy I can muster to accomplish or complete. I will get something little done, then sit and stare into space or sit and cry. 

My daughter told me today, "just try to get one little thing accomplished, mommy, and don't be so hard on yourself". OK, honey, I got to the grocery store. Now I sit. Maybe later I can get something else done. I will try.

Trying is all any of us can do...but not getting something done doesn't mean we fail - it means we are human. Just the willingness to try is a giant step.

So, @LeannC45, @Nely and @Sunflower2- we are all making giant steps in my opinion. And we are together.

[Jamiei]

Leann I had a major break down at Home Depot yesterday, Im pretty sure there still talking about it! Dewayne did everything in the house, I never had to worry about anything! So yesterday I was gonna fix a door, hang a picture and change the air filter! So I needed a few things at Home Depot and couldn’t find anything, actually got to a point I didn’t even remember what I was looking for! When someone asked me if I needed help I just started bawling! It was so humiliating. I will not be going back to that store anytime soon! I do understand those hard days, it seems it’s never gonna get easier! 

[LeannC45]

2 hours ago, Jamiei said:

Leann I had a major break down at Home Depot yesterday, Im pretty sure there still talking about it! Dewayne did everything in the house, I never had to worry about anything! So yesterday I was gonna fix a door, hang a picture and change the air filter! So I needed a few things at Home Depot and couldn’t find anything, actually got to a point I didn’t even remember what I was looking for! When someone asked me if I needed help I just started bawling! It was so humiliating. I will not be going back to that store anytime soon! I do understand those hard days, it seems it’s never gonna get easier! 

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am so sorry for your break down in Home Depot. I understand completely about having to do things on my own that I would have normally left to my husband. I know it sounds silly but even programming my TV sent me into a panic attack with me talking to myself and getting over heated until I finally figured it out. I had to buy a hose for the back of my dryer and figure out how to put it on, I swear every time I started the dryer for a month it fell right off. I finally got some electric tape and taped that thing around and around and it hasn't budged. LOL...I so appreciate the words from everyone here.

[LeannC45]

3 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

We understand LeannC45.   those moments of despair can become a day of despair.  grief is exhausting.  sunday was my day for total despair and crying most of day.  I did not feel I could go on.  Monday I moved. Pushed myself to move. It was a lighter day but today will be quiet.  I did what I needn't and now its curling up.  Allow yourself to feel exhausted. we know we have to move through this.  it still doesn't make this easier. maybe today pamper yourself?  a hot soak in the tub? I went to the bookstore yesterday.  a bookstore was always centering but I haven't had that need so it has been years since I walked into one.  There was a calm and for a couple hours my world felt "normal." Find that calm in one tiny little self care push.   xo

Thank you so much for your response. I plan to have dinner with my son tonight and just take it easy. 

[LeannC45]

3 hours ago, Nely said:

@LeannC45, I completely relate to this. I wish there was a way to bring my husband back. I'd do everything within my power to do it.  I wish I have comforting words to offer. I'm sorry I don't.

Wish us all the strength we can get to live...

Yes, with all my heart I wish strength for all of us on this arduous journey. So so so so hard.

[Glolilly]

I talk to my elderly mother a lot on the phone in another state. She is 80 years old and lost my dad at  age 93 in January 2011. She tells me that I must focus on my rest, vitamins, exercise and getting out the house. She said my dad told her on his death bed after 57 yrs of marriage, that she shouldn't focus on his death but focus on living. So while going through the grieving process I realize my husband was loaned to me. He was a Christian and what God allowed was decided for my husband's benefit and rewarding. But God will not forget me. I have the footprints in the sand poem near my desk as well as the serenity prayer. Also I remind myself that in other countries, hundreds lose their lives everday, in the military, hurricanes, including whole families and they somehow survive. I don't downplay my loss but at the same time I know I must eventually get stronger to reclaim what I lost, my life fully. Just as people go to the hospital, the doctor most of us come here newly bereaved and distraught looking for help and guidance. But you don't always see others that don't come here who are doing better in their situation. But at my church I can say that I see many especially ones involved in something truly moving towards a brighter light. One is about 36 and was a pastor's wife and is now a greeter. Another is 60 and had no kids, she teaches Sunday school for little ones and is a college professor and she is starting to mentor me, but I'm better. Three remarried. So I'm trying to avoid triggers and allow small timeframes to look at his pics and then go to something else. I hope this helps. God bless.

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, Glolilly said:

I talk to my elderly mother a lot on the phone in another state. She is 80 years old and lost my dad at  age 93 in January 2011. She tells me that I must focus on my rest, vitamins, exercise and getting out the house. She said my dad told her on his death bed after 57 yrs of marriage, that she shouldn't focus on his death but focus on living. So while going through the grieving process I realize my husband was loaned to me. He was a Christian and what God allowed was decided for my husband's benefit and rewarding. But God will not forget me. I have the footprints in the sand poem near my desk as well as the serenity prayer. Also I remind myself that in other countries, hundreds lose their lives everday, in the military, hurricanes, including whole families and they somehow survive. I don't downplay my loss but at the same time I know I must eventually get stronger to reclaim what I lost, my life fully. Just as people go to the hospital, the doctor most of us come here newly bereaved and distraught looking for help and guidance. But you don't always see others that don't come here who are doing better in their situation. But at my church I can say that I see many especially ones involved in something truly moving towards a brighter light. One is about 36 and was a pastor's wife and is now a greeter. Another is 60 and had no kids, she teaches Sunday school for little ones and is a college professor and she is starting to mentor me, but I'm better. Three remarried. So I'm trying to avoid triggers and allow small timeframes to look at his pics and then go to something else. I hope this helps. God bless.

Thank you so much for your share. It does help to hear about what other people do to help them move forward. I just heard about Molly Tibbets the girl who went missing a month ago was found today. I think about the pain her parents must be feeling. I know I am not the only one hurting. It's just hard because my husband was my everything. 

[Glolilly]

Yes I read about that story. She was so young and it compounds it the way she died. Yes, my husband was my everything but when I look at my two college sons at home finishing their last year of college. I sit in my room and ponder...do I have time to concentrate on him, on what he was to me and how I miss him so ...or should i focus mainly on my sons, whom I see daily? Well I can do both but I know I can't afford  to physically or emotionally to fall apart. So as a nurse we were trained to function in the mist of chaos and trauma.  I can't change anything. The fog is mostly lifted. I cry in church with slow songs but less than before. But at home I cope better staying busy and realizing losses are happening everyday without our approval. God Bless you and your family.

[LeannC45]

11 hours ago, Glolilly said:

Yes I read about that story. She was so young and it compounds it the way she died. Yes, my husband was my everything but when I look at my two college sons at home finishing their last year of college. I sit in my room and ponder...do I have time to concentrate on him, on what he was to me and how I miss him so ...or should i focus mainly on my sons, whom I see daily? Well I can do both but I know I can't afford  to physically or emotionally to fall apart. So as a nurse we were trained to function in the mist of chaos and trauma.  I can't change anything. The fog is mostly lifted. I cry in church with slow songs but less than before. But at home I cope better staying busy and realizing losses are happening everyday without our approval. God Bless you and your family.

God Bless you too. Thank you.

[KayC]

Leann, I'm sorry you had such a very hard day!  Lord knows I've had them too, as everyone here has.  I don't think we do move on, I think we continue and that in itself is a stretch to do in the early time.  By early I mean first 2-3 years.  It evolves, it really does, I'm down to a dull ache with the missing him part never going away, the loving him part strong as ever.

I hope you get a break from so many tears today, give your tear ducts a chance to recover from yesterday.  (((hugs)))