Depressed

[Epope]

Anyone go from feeling ok to feeling depressed? Derek passed two months ago, and up until now, I've felt ok. I've had days where I cry a lot, and other days where I quietly reflect on what has happened. I try to approach everything that I'm going through without negativity. But the emptiness has me in a chokehold. I stare at his photos and realize that I have to live my life never hearing his voice, feeling his touch, laughing at his jokes ever again. I used to fear death, and now I don't. I used to want time to stand still so I'd remain close to Derek and now all I want is for it to speed up and get life over with. I have a lot of wonderful friends and family around me for support, but it doesn't help with me feeling so empty. I don't want to disrespect Derek by being so down (he had severe depression as a teenager that took years of self help to find balance), and I know it would absolutely destroy him to know that he is the cause of my pain. I know that grief takes on a different shape as time goes on, and the pain is softer and less harsh. Right now, the pain is stabbing me in the heart and it's hard to focus on anything else. 

[Glolilly]

Yes in the early months I stared at his photos online and in my room and also looked at many online videos of him. If I did it every day and night I got more exhausted and depressed. So I started spacing it out and limiting the time especially when I needed my sleep. The emptiness will get better as time moves along. Time is something that heals wounds and make it bearable. It pulls us along and slows the tears. We spend lots of energy thinking about where is he, and what if he could come back and what we planned to do. That is why we are so tired. The mind and heart keeps playing it over again. Some say you don't have to stay busy but for me it helps. I have less room for beating myself up with those thoughts. The thoughts are not going to change anything for me. Yes it makes me feel good and loved but it hurts me to over do it. So when I go to work, get groceries, cook for my college sons, wash, read the forum to help others, go to church, practice on my piano, I am actively doing something for me and feeling less sad. I don't go to the trigger places, I take naps, I restarted my vitamins, I look less at his photos if it will make me sad. I look when I'm in a happy memory mood. May God Bless us all each day.

[Sunflower2]

13 hours ago, Glolilly said:

May God Bless us all each day.

thank you Glolilly!

[Just here]

Yes I agree with Glolilly... Even though everyone grieves in different ways. Speaking from my experience staying busy helps me get through my days. Try to focus on that day rather then the future or the past! And believe me the way you are feeling I feel too I just try to stay busy so I don’t consume in my grief. I could sit there for hours and feel sorry for myself( which I’ve done). I know I can’t change it and nothing I do will bring him back. And yes I experience the same thing with life speeding up. When I was with Ed I would want the weekends to slow down so I could spend as much quality time with him as possible and now I wish I could fast forward time. I guess you just have to figure out what works for you and know that it’s ok to have good and bad days! 

[KayC]

I reiterate what Just here said, stay in today and if you catch yourself thinking about the rest of your life, go back to today, it's enough to deal with, I have to do it still.  The shock is beginning to wear off and reality beginning to set in so you're undoubtedly feeling it stronger.  

Having a schedule and keeping busy helps, as Glolilly pointed out, but not to the point of drowning out your sorrow completely, it's important to have time to reflect, to shed tears, it's part of processing our grief so we can begin to adjust.  You are right where I would expect you to be, this is all a process, and I know how painful it is right now and how we just want it to stop hurting so much, but I've also learned there's no way around it, if there was I would have found it, be patient with yourself, in time this will begin to lessen.