Lost my dad an year ago

[Vaishnavi]

I am a medical student  and I lost my dad on 23rd april ,2017. It was all a horrible night , a night which brings tear to my eyes everytime i think of it. He was a healthy man just 42. He used to love me and my lill sis alot.   He died in a sudden cardiac arrest. We were devastated.  I didnt know what to do then. The whole night we ran from one hospital to other but cudnt help. I saw everything in front of my eyes. Till the ver last moment I knew he will survive but dont know what happened. I'm ruined. Have become emotionally very weak. 

I always used to study and that day when he got admitted for saline drip as he was feeling dehydrated I was busy studying thinking tht its just a drip he'll be back. But who knew it was the last time. Althought i went to see him he sent me back saying he is fine and I should go back as my exams were 13 days away.

And then that very night mummy called me saying papa is very serious come as soon as u can. We went running and he was not conscious. I cudnt collect the courage to go and watch doctors treating him. I stood outside the room weeping as loud as i cud. My heart was beating as it will blast in a minute. 

I am so guilty of everything. I cudnt share my feeling to him. I cudnt say how much i love him. I hate my nature of being shy and unexpressive. I cud not tell him anything. I still cant beleive ill never be able to see him again. He always wanted me to be a doctor.  The exam that was 13 days away i didnt want to take it but my grandmother forced me. I passed it anyhow and have completed my 1st year MBBS. I wish he was here. He cud see me doing this. I wish he knew how nuch we need him. I love u papa. I love you so much. I cudnt tell you but you meant everything to me. Ive still not recovered and will never be able to be. I love you and cant believe you are gone...forever...

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear V,

sending comfort and healing thoughts your way. Watching all of that (I did too with my mom) is traumatic. It would be hard to watch with anyone, but we watched it with our parents. It’s ok that you weren’t able to watch the last medical things that happened. He understood, his spirit understood and wouldn’t expect or want you too (as I’m sure he loved you more than life itself and wouldn’t want you to go through more by being in that room). Your dad would be so proud of you. I believe his spirit is with you and surrounding you. He knows what you’re doing and have accomplished. He’s instilled in you all the things that you needed to complete what you have. Knowing that won’t make the physical yearning for him any easier, but I hope spiritually it will comfort you to know that❤️. Try and get a hug from at least one person a day. It helps. Sometimes I go days without one and notice the difference in myself.

A lot of the people I love most are shy introverts. I myself am an introvert. One of the books that helped me to love myself more and my nature is called “Quiet” by Susan Cain. I know you probably have zero time to read because of your schedule after MBBS, but it’s a good book. Take care. We’re thinking of you.

Hugs,

Nicole

[Kcarey]

I’m sorry to hear about your dad and do understand we share the same pain. I lost my dad too, two years ago, at 44, cardiac arrest while in grad school and now studying to be a doctor. I will be praying for you and we will make it to a better place. Just try to find hope. This isn’t easy but know he’s watching you and it comforts me to know that even on a biological level, half of my dad is still in alive in me, in my chromosomes. Half of your dad is still alive in you , tooz