When I lost my wife, a part of me died, too

[Spengler]

Yesterday, I came across a large cardboard envelope in my wife's things. In it were bunches and bunches of birthday cards, anniversary cards, and letters I had sent her over the years. I looked at some of them before it became too painful. I didn't even remember some of the things I wrote, or why. I didn't understand some of what I wrote and some of the references mystified me. The memories are gone.

 

My wife was the social part of the couple. She was my interface and my face to the world. I'm slowly having to relearn how to do social interactions again, but I'll always be crippled.

 

My wife was the Keeper of Feelings for both of us. Now I'm left with all my own feelings, and I don't know what to do with them.

 

I gave her a good part of myself. It became part of Us. And now that's gone, too. A big chunk of me is missing, and it will never come back.

 

I was going to ask if others here felt this way. I will not ask, because I know it's the case. I'm grieving for my wife, but I'm grieving for myself, too.

[adventure]

@Spengler this is how I am feeling this morning too!! Mornings are the very hardest. Starting another day alone. Walking out of work last night after my 12 hour shift and again letting the reminder come over me that I can't call him had me sitting in the car sobbing. I said I'm not "me" anymore. That "me" died when he did. I still have my basic characteristics but they are a bit muted right now. I'm left with a shell. Constant emotional, mental and physical pain.

Today is day 88. He is my lifestyle. We were avid boaters. That's over for me. I don't have the mechanical ability to maintain a boat. Our dream of sailing to the Caribbean will not be realized. I live by the water and it is a constant reminder.

When my first husband died I had teenagers to get through high school and my own degree to finish. Now I'm at the stage of life when your partner is the center. 

I thought I had a good amount of individuality in our relationship. But now that he's not here I see how much I was entwined with him. Dreams, goals, purpose, joy.

When they are gone so much more goes then the physical body. I feel like I'm floating above my body watching it do things but I'm not attached inside anymore. I don't KNOW this world anymore. I'm a stranger in my own life. 

I have to birth a new life. These labor pains are brutally excruciating. 

[BetsyD]

1 hour ago, Spengler said:

I'm grieving for my wife, but I'm grieving for myself, too.

I have been thinking about this as well. I am so sad for my husband that he isn't here to watch our new grandson laugh, to experience his first Christmas, to get wet bathing the dogs, to feel my hugs and love, to BE.  Yet I don't know how much of this grief is for me - for MY not having him with ME to watch our new grandson laugh, to watch him at his first Christmas, etc. etc. My having to go through all of this alone, representing both of us for our children and the baby. The loneliness is palpable. The fear is real.

 

15 minutes ago, adventure said:

now that he's not here I see how much I was entwined with him. Dreams, goals, purpose, joy.

Exactly. Not that we weren't independent of one another, but we were individuals AND one. 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, Spengler said:

I was going to ask if others here felt this way. I will not ask, because I know it's the case. I'm grieving for my wife, but I'm grieving for myself, too.

sometimes as we inch forward it always helps to have our feelings affirmed.  it is our journey but the feelings in the end are the same.  Our journey and how we work it may be different but the feelings of our loss...that pain...the memories at first they are painful. Grief is a process with many similarities between all of us.

[Sunflower2]

24 minutes ago, adventure said:

I thought I had a good amount of individuality in our relationship. But now that he's not here I see how much I was entwined with him. Dreams, goals, purpose, joy.

When they are gone so much more goes then the physical body. I feel like I'm floating above my body watching it do things but I'm not attached inside anymore. I don't KNOW this world anymore. I'm a stranger in my own life. 

 

beautifully defined!  "I have to birth a new life. These labor pains are brutally excruciating."  

[KayC]

We have a two drawer file cabinet, sideways, it's steel covered with wood so very heavy, here to stay.  He had the top drawer, I had the bottom drawer, it was filled with our sentimental things, cards, notes, pictures, stuff like that.  when he died, it all became mine. And now its intermingled.  I, too, inherited the cards I gave him, for he kept them all.  Very painful to look at and go through, yet there's no way I'm getting rid of them.  They are the story of us.

[Miye]

I feel like part of me died too. As if I was left to live with half a heart 

He was everything I am not;  I felt so protected and loved...completed.  Now I am on my own and I would like to show him that the ttime we were together I learned from him too and part of what he was still lives in me. He was a very. Intelligent and virtuous man so it won't be easy. But I woukd like to be some of what he was 

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, Miye said:

I feel like part of me died too. As if I was left to live with half a heart 

He was everything I am not;  I felt so protected and loved...completed.  Now I am on my own and I would like to show him that the ttime we were together I learned from him too and part of what he was still lives in me. He was a very. Intelligent and virtuous man so it won't be easy. But I woukd like to be some of what he was 

Part of you did die which we all begin to understand in this grief. Your approach is inspiring.  It is what I'm beginning to feel. I smile when I think of his strengths but sadness that I have to feel them in a way other than their actual presence. Its a blending I'm beginning to feel even in my darkest moments of grief.  At the same time I also recognize his little annoying weaknesses which too bring a smile but also ….they come in our humanness. 

[BetsyD]

8 hours ago, Miye said:

part of what he was still lives in me.

That is how we will survive. For me, it is trying to make good choices and decisions "what would Tom think?"  Most importantly, I have to keep HIS part in me as a parent and as a new grandparent and be both to our children and new little grandson. For our children, I have to keep his memory alive and never let them forget who he was, how much he loved them and how proud he was of them always, in successes and setbacks alike. For our grandson, I have to teach him who his grandpa was, what he loved, how blessed he felt to hold the little guy even if it was only for a few days and how happy he was - just the look on his face alone - to become a grandpa. 

 

5 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

I also recognize his little annoying weaknesses which too bring a smile

Yupp - absolutely. And then a tear because they become just memories.

[KayC]

What you guys describe is the story of grief...it is all of our story, the process we go through as we are confronted with realizations, as we incorporate the changes all of this means to our lives, as we assimilate their spirit, what we learned from them, our memories, into our life that is now.