Complicated

[Epope]

Has anyone developed complicated relationships with their family after losing someone? I lost my Derek a little over 2 months ago, and my parents have been staying with me off and on ever since. I've found that my relationship with my mother has become extremely strained...she is colder than I expected her to be (since she lost her mother last year and was so depressed she was threatening suicide). The first few days were really the only days that she was there in the way I needed (sat with me, hugged me, brought me tea, forced me to eat). But after that, it seems like she closed herself off to her feelings, and then also to mine. We had a huge fight last night which took so much energy out of me and made me feel worse than I already feel. She is leaving to go back home, and instead of trying to be the mother I need her to be, she just said "I'm not the mother you need me to be." 

There isn't a word to describe how I'm feeling, but I couldn't believe that she was angry with me. Thinking I was ungrateful for her changing our house around (she was trying to do something good, but I didn't want think about what color to paint a room, or where to put things that were out of place). All I was thinking about was HOW am I going to get through the hardest time in my life without falling down a deep dark hole. 

Anyone else develop complicated relationships with their family members after they have lost a partner/spouse? It's heartbreaking and exhausting. 

[KayC]

My mom was complicated at best (she had mental issues and was abusive) but I don't recall her responding this way or complicating my grief.  I'm very sorry you find yourself going through this on top of everything else, it's not what you need, that's for sure.  I think I would feel relieved that she's going home and you don't have to deal with redecorating, etc. on top of the immense task at hand, that of early grief.  I can't even imagine what she is thinking, but whatever it is, it's her issues and not your own and you shouldn't have to try to figure her out, you have your plate full already.  I'm sorry she's adding to it.

[Epope]

Thanks for the response, @KayC. My mother is a very complicated woman with emotional issues that she has never dealt with on her own. I just had to do what my beloved Derek taught me, and be truthful about how I am feeling and express what I need. She didn't take that very well since she has victimized herself for a very long time, but at the very least I was able to tell her that I love her despite not understanding her. She has already left to go home, and I feel some relief. I just wish that she didn't always need to make things about her - right now I need to be thinking about myself, instead of worrying about how someone else is feeling. That is the last thing that I need and I feel will not allow me to heal properly. 

[KayC]

You are so right!  My mom made everything about her too, she was a Narcissist and that's what they do.  She never did seem to be able to look at things from another's point of view or empathize.  Sadly, she drove people away from her.

I'm glad you are free to grieve in peace now and don't have the added complications of dealing with her at such a close range basis.