Confused

[Sc39]

It has been 26 days since i lost him. The shock is over now, but the horror, disbelief, ache, loss and pain persist. Life is empty. I dont know who i am without him. We were a team... a partnership. I am like an incomplete puzzle. I do not want to see people because i know in their eyes i will see what i am trying to avoid: that only half of what i was is left. There is so much i miss. It could fill volumes. I have been reading blogs of widows....all end happily when the widow finds a new love and moves on with her life. Are there no widows who move forward without a new man? I want to know that i can move forward and live a normal life one day with this pain, and not necessarily with someone else. And yet, i feel horrible for even hoping to be able to do this. If i can exist with the pain, or if it subsides one day, does this mean i am betraying him? When one loses the person who is her soulmate, should she ever recover? Maybe my pain should remain as a testament to my love....maybe it is awful to hope it will one day mellow. 

[Just here]

29 days for me and I know where you are coming from. I think it will never go away but will get easier as time passes. I think so will carry the memories with me for my lifetime and still talk to him every night. He’s my best friend and not time or anything will change that! And yes my life is empty but I do think the same as you. I will eventually not move on but be able to continue being me! I am wonderful and I know Ed would want me to finish out my life happy being me. I have awhile till I get to that point cause now everyday I think how can I continue without my best friend... But I truly believe I can have a happy ending with just me cause he should me what happiness truly is!

[Jamiei]

I’m seven months since I lost the love of my life.,. And it just has gotten harder! I have come to realize I will just have to get through my days! My life ended the day he died. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Sc39 said:

Are there no widows who move forward without a new man? I want to know that i can move forward and live a normal life one day with this pain, and not necessarily with someone else. And yet, i feel horrible for even hoping to be able to do this. If i can exist with the pain, or if it subsides one day, does this mean i am betraying him? When one loses the person who is her soulmate, should she ever recover? Maybe my pain should remain as a testament to my love....maybe it is awful to hope it will one day mellow. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is the single hardest thing I've ever been through...it's been 13 years for me now.  Grief has a beginning, but no ending...it does not, however, stay in the same intensity as in the beginning...we would not be able to withstand it if it did.  It is too much for any of us.  Grief evolves, it is a journey we are on for the rest of our lives.  In this journey, it behooves us to learn to cope, to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, to take care of ourselves, to somehow function.  It took me years to process my grief, it took me years more to find purpose, and years more yet to create a life I could live...never, ever, did that mean I was over him.  I think of him each and every day of my life and continue to love and miss him.  If anything, I love him more!  Just because his body gave out didn't mean our love stopped, it continues regardless of anything else transpiring!  I talk to him, but I have to wait for his answers, the rest of my life...it's a long wait, but our relationship was built on faith and it continues still on faith.  

In the beginning I didn't see how I could live a week without him, let alone the rest of my life!  It terrified me, I didn't see how I could do it.  I learned to take a day at a time, that I could do, and then tomorrow get up and do it all over again.  

As Jamiei said it has gotten harder for her now that she's seven months in, that is normal, it's because the shock has worn off, now she has more of an idea of what this will look like and it's farther out since she's been able to hold him, hear his voice, the longing is all the greater.  In time we do get used to living with this, as unimaginable as that seems, it's our body's way of adjusting, getting through this, and it's to be coveted rather than regretted that we do adjust, but oh gosh it takes time!  So many things factor in to our adjustment, our own personality, our coping mechanisms, our support system, the secondary losses, even finances can affect it!  I lost my job three times during the recession, it was very hard, and it affected my grief because had my George been here, we could have fallen back on each other and it would have been so much easier as a team!  Medical issues come into play as well as you no longer have that person that cares about you waiting for you when you come out of surgery, driving you home and taking care of you.  If you can muster any strength to get through this, yes it IS to be coveted and not avoided, because you will need every bit of it to make your way through this.  But think of them waiting for us, cheering us on, our biggest fans and audience, they want us to do well, want us to be happy...a tall order, I realize!  But we can learn to appreciate what is good and embrace it and look for it rather than merely remembering what we lost and focusing on that alone.  We don't have to look for what we lost, it will hunt us down and haunt us!  We DO need to look for good though as it remains more demure and unassuming, it takes us looking for it and recognizing it even in the midst of our grief.

The one thing I want you to remember before you canonize you grief is, it is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still.

[BetsyD]

15 hours ago, Sc39 said:

Are there no widows who move forward without a new man? I want to know that i can move forward and live a normal life one day with this pain, and not necessarily with someone else

You are not alone. Not all of us feel the need to find "a new man". A friend of mine lost her husband 4 years ago and she now finally travels with female friends and feels all the sadness and loss but not the need for anyone to take his place. As for me, my beloved husband died suddenly four months ago. We were together 40 years. I will tell you right now that because I have two daughters and a new grandson I plan to go on, to be both grandparents and both parents to them, and as I told my older daughter, even though all of this is fresh and raw, I have NO intention of dating again. Of finding a "new man"...he was my one and only soulmate and partner and always will be. I will find a life without him, without trying to ever replace him, without the need for a new partner. So, no, you are not alone.

The one thing I will say - in terms of living a normal life? Your life will never again be what WAS normal, you will, as we all have to, find a new normal. It will suck and you will grieve and feel the loss every day of the rest of your life, but somehow we will all get through this and find some kind of peace through the tears and sorrow.