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Moving on


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I lost my boyfriend Michael of 3 months in march unexpectedly in a car crash. In may I started to realize I had feelings for one of his best friends. I fought my feelings and spoke to others of my feelings for him. Eventually we started to talking and even though his intention was only to make me happy and not date (and I fully aware of nothing happening between)...we began dating. Even though we are dating, I still miss Michael so much. Personally, I am someone that does take love seriously but I've never been one to wait. I don't let things keep me from moving forward with my life. BUT I still constantly have my moments of grieving...I have my daily routines of listening to messages from Michael or holding something that reminds me of him, even wearing his jackets. I'm glad that I'm moving forward because it makes me happy but I do feel guilty and a little worried of a new relationship. But I'm afraid that if I don't move on... I may never be able to. Also one of Michael's friends isn't completely okay with me moving on...especially with a close friend. We havent spoken about it but I plan on talking to him more about it.

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I am sorry for your loss.  It is good that you recognize how you are feeling and that you are true to yourself regardless of what others may think.  Our grief is as our love, it's impacted by how deep of a connection we had, and even how long we were together can affect it in some ways like our deeply ingrained habits and interactions, but the love itself if more affected by the quality it carried rather than length of time.  We all handle our grief differently.  Some DO move on quickly, and there's nothing wrong with that as long as you know your own mind and heart.  He was your BF for three months, I'd have to say that societal norms for a fifty year marriage need not apply, but the truth is, there ARE no such norms, no constraints!  I knew a gentleman who had survived the deaths of two wives to cancer, and shortly after the second one died, he took a fancy to my friend Beth, who was 84.  She wanted to give it time, and he replied to her that he, at his age, didn't have time!  So she went with it, they ended up marrying and were very happy together until she also succumbed to cancer in her 90s, and him a couple of years later, also cancer.  

Should they have been denied the happiness they got with those few years together because of what others might think?  No, I don't think so!  The only regard is what you know in your heart.  If you were trying to drown out your sorrow or avoid your grief by entering a different relationship, I might issue a word of caution, but I don't get that from your post.  You will continue to miss Michael, you will continue to grieve him, but you and your friend can continue to do that together or separate as you wish.  It's not up to Michael's friends, it's up to you how that looks to you. You are good to talk to him about it.

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