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Still grieving 26 years later


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I lost my brother 26 years ago to suicide. He was 14 I was 12. He shot himself and I found him. For years I have been able to cope and deal with the Anniversary of his death showing very little emotion to anyone including my husband. This year is different and I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it. Since August 1 I find myself more emotional. This is something I can usually control. This year I find I am crying over things that shouldn’t trigger anything. Something as simple as a song that wasn’t even out when my brother was still alive. It’s only getting worse the closer I get to the Anniversary (only 3 days away as I type this). A conversation with my husband about friends that are not around when I need them lead to a conversation about how people that have never met me care more about how I was doing after my husband dying in my arms (only for a minute and a half) on Canada day... some how this reduced me to tears. I keep thinking that my daughter starting high school next month may have a part in it. How do I deal with this? I am not a drinker and I find myself drinking just so I can sleep at night. Any suggestions are welcome. I have shut myself off to everyone when it comes to this and have hidden it for years. I mask it with happy smiles and laughter as best I can all year round. How do I get myself back to that? How do I shut the tears and emotion off?

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