My Dad ❤️

[Kathy77]

Hi everyone. My first post here and I think it might be a good place to come for a little support from those who have experienced or currently going through what I am. 

In the past I've suffered with anxiety, I got through it but right now I can feel myself teetering on the edge...of what... I'm not sure. My Dad is at the end stages of prostate cancer, he hasn't got long left (still praying for a miracle) .I hold it together in front of everyone but I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I wouldn't say it's depression even.. I have too much adrenalin running around my body to allow myself to be depressed. I'm just desperately, desperately sad and wonder how on earth I'm going to cope. Maybe that is depression.... I don't know. My Dad is my world. Watching him deteriorating is killing me. He's getting weaker and more breathless every day. I try my hardest to keep on a brave face... It's just so so hard. I don't need to go in to detail of what's happening, I know that many of you will have been through the same.... He did very well for a number of years but this last 6 months has been very, very difficult. It's such a strange situation to be in... I never thought it would be like this.... The up and down nature of his condition. Some days I think it could happen today, other days you think maybe he could make it another few months. He's already outlived what his Dr's said. It's just a whirlwind of emotions. Dad.. He's just incredible and mentally very strong indeed.  I'm just feeling very lost, worried... and a million other things. I don't know how I'm still managing to help with caring.... But as you know... You just do. I have taken time off work to move in to my parent's house to help with caring for Dad...thank God I did as I've been able to spend so much time with him

Sorry for miserable post... I needed to get how I'm feeling written down. It seems to help. X

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[Nicole-my grief journey]

Kathy77,

This is a long reply, but I care and want to share everything I can with you. Here goes:

Sending you so much love. I feel the adrenaline is what kept me able to caregive. I held it together in front of everyone and would come home after long days at the hospital and wail loudly to release the emotions and stress. Always teetering to on not sure what exact emotion because there were so many. Things that helped were... I would start my day before the hospital by listening to positive affirmations while getting dressed (because there was no time other than that where I wasn’t rushing to the hospital). Repetitive things like saying, “I am safe”, “I will be ok”, “This is going to happen exactly how it’s supposed to and I may not understand it, or like it, but I accept it”. I will feel what I need to feel and don’t have to cover it up for anyone. I don’t have to explain it to the people around me that have suggestions, some are good and others are not and most weren’t up to date on all her med stuff; because I was in the tornado and didn’t have time to listen to anything that didn’t have to do with what my mother’s immediate needs were. A lot of people sucked time and energy from me with...have you tried this?...You should do that.. or whatever else they felt, but it wasn’t going to help to save her, or change the outcome of her terminal illness. They mean well, but don’t really know what’s best in our individual cases with our parents. Watching your parent deteriorate and not knowing what’s going to happen is so scary, painful and all encompassing. I definitely felt what you were feeling and have gone through what you’re going through. The uncertainty. The not wanting to lose them. Knowing you will. Questioning what it means and why does it have to happen like this...Spinning out. Complete exhaustion. The watching what’s happening and having to make decisions and feeling so alone. My heart is heavy for you. I quit my job and am currently staying in my parents house. My mom passed on July 18th. Up until about 15 hours before she passed the Dr’s and palliative were talking about us bringing her home! Saying they didn’t have a crystal ball, but maybe she would have a month. I pushed for a CT scan to see how quickly her cancer had spread to her secondary sites (she had colon cancer and complicated spread to stomach lining, with blockages too). I did this to try and figure out what type of care to get her. Skilled nursing, hospice, hospice at home...none of the professionals guided me. This is one thing I knkw it will be hard to forgive and move past, but I’m working on it. I wanted to make sure it was safe for her to come home because I felt I could tell things were off. I was right. The CT showed her liver was completely taken over. I was wrecked, decimated. This was the day before she passed. I had to call my dad and tell him to get down to the hospital straight away. I wish I had them check her ammonia levels (didn’t know they could) and that they were more transparent with her prognosis and everything else that happened in the three months we had since her diagnosis. The ammonia levels made her very confused and agitated and I feel were a major indicator of the liver failing. Had I known or she known sooner, maybe we could have had some conversations we didn’t get to have. The one thing I hold onto is that I was with with her through those last hours and until her last breath, telling her how much I loved her, naming everyone that loved her and what they loved about her, praying over her, playing her her favorite songs, reassuring her that we would all be okay (as it was one of her worries). Even though I often feel we won’t be. I held her, kissed her, hugged her, rubbed her hair and gave her touch the whole time. That was a blessing I got to be there. A lot of people don’t get that and for it, I’m grateful. I do my best to hold on to hope that I and my family will survive this. Right now it’s hard to see two feet in front of me. I take things hour by hour. We did survive losing two of my brothers. Also, in tragic ways. The fried doesn’t go away, it just changes and ebbs and flows. It took lots of therapy and time for me to feel a little more level with the first loss. The next brother was just last November and now this just happened with my mom. So, it’s complicated grief, trauma, anxiety and depression. The loss of a parent is different though. Your past, present and future flashing before your eyes. The best I could do to hold it together during that time and even now...has been to choose what I felt and feel her wishes would be. To do all the rituals of honoring her, memorializing her, and feeling all my feelings in the hopes that I will come out on the otherside and live the life she would want me to. It’s still too soon for me to start a lot of that...but I do write her letters, I put out her yard stuff and intermittently go to places she loved (so that I don’t avoid my grief. I’m not a doctor, but I feel you are experiencing anticipatory grief). It makes sense that you would be. All of your thoughts, feelings and emotions are completely real and valid. If you can, try and get a counselor now before he passes, so that you have one constant who can help you cope teach you tools. I know that you’re probably thinking “When?!, I don’t have time for that right now.” But at least research couselors available, grief groups and utilize what you can. There’s no other way to prepare.

After they pass, there’s shock, numbness, hysterics, panic, disbelief, anger, and second guessing everything when it’s all said and done. And you need to know that’s normal and ok. It takes time to process what’s happening or happened. It doesn’t haplen immediately.

Lastly, talk to your dad, tell him everything that has meant the world to you throughout your life together. Memories. The ones you loved the most, or made you laugh, talk about the people he’s touched and what you’ll carry on about what he’s taught you. They need to know they matter and mattered. That your souls won’t be separated no matter what. In this life or the next. I told my mom this. I let her know that being with her and caring for her has been the best and most important thing I have ever done and thanked her for letting me. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. A lot of people who care about her have regrets about what they didn’t do and I can tell you I don’t because I was there, everyday, showing up for her. That’s what your doing for your dad. You’re an amazing daughter and I’m sure he is so grateful for you and oroud of you. I always walked into the room with a smile for my mom and left by blowing her three kisses, saying... “I love you MuhMuh”. Being strong while she was here on this earth in fromt of her, but knowing I could and would fall apart after. And that’s ok. Don’t ever apologize for your feelings. You deserve to have them. You are going through the hardest time in your life.

hugs and prayers,

Nicole

[mariesgirl1953]

Hi Kathy77. My deepest and dearest and warmest hugs to you honey! i am so so sorry you are going through this, and i cant imagine what you are going though... My heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult to see you dear dad going through this.. I know how it feels when the adrenaline is pumping viciously around your body - it's horrendous. I know where you are coming from by thinking "it could happen today" believe me i know exactly where you are coming from, But; (and this may sound weird) if you can, try not think like that, try and enjoy each and every moment of every day that you have together - all three of you. i am sorry if i'm not saying very much, or in much detail. Just know that i am always here if you ever want to talk, also if you want to, feel free to message me. I will be more than happy to talk.

All the best, sweetie!

Kori X

[soniasonia]

On 8/17/2018 at 4:03 PM, Kathy77 said:

Hi everyone. My first post here and I think it might be a good place to come for a little support from those who have experienced or currently going through what I am. 

In the past I've suffered with anxiety, I got through it but right now I can feel myself teetering on the edge...of what... I'm not sure. My Dad is at the end stages of prostate cancer, he hasn't got long left (still praying for a miracle) .I hold it together in front of everyone but I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I wouldn't say it's depression even.. I have too much adrenalin running around my body to allow myself to be depressed. I'm just desperately, desperately sad and wonder how on earth I'm going to cope. Maybe that is depression.... I don't know. My Dad is my world. Watching him deteriorating is killing me. He's getting weaker and more breathless every day. I try my hardest to keep on a brave face... It's just so so hard. I don't need to go in to detail of what's happening, I know that many of you will have been through the same.... He did very well for a number of years but this last 6 months has been very, very difficult. It's such a strange situation to be in... I never thought it would be like this.... The up and down nature of his condition. Some days I think it could happen today, other days you think maybe he could make it another few months. He's already outlived what his Dr's said. It's just a whirlwind of emotions. Dad.. He's just incredible and mentally very strong indeed.  I'm just feeling very lost, worried... and a million other things. I don't know how I'm still managing to help with caring.... But as you know... You just do. I have taken time off work to move in to my parent's house to help with caring for Dad...thank God I did as I've been able to spend so much time with him

Sorry for miserable post... I needed to get how I'm feeling written down. It seems to help. X

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hi Kathy, 

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It's a very difficult time! 

I think just being there for him while he's still alive helps. It's a strange feeling knowing that he's going. 

Same thing with my dad. He had stage 4 colon cancer and did exceptionally well for the first 8 years... He looked good considering 100+ rounds of chemo, the last 2 years were difficult, especially the last 6 months until he finally went. 

Keep up the good work, don't beat yourself over anything, and just be there for your dad/your family. that's all you can really do. 

The way I see it is that the best and only thing I could do for my dad was to be there when he needed help and I truly believe he appreciated having someone there for him to help out with a brave face. I tried my best not look sad around him especially when he was in critical care days before he passed away.

do the best that you can and no one is going to fault you for having emotions about this. it's an extremely difficult thing to deal with.

All the best... sending lots of hugs your way