Has anyone had the (irrational) urge to quick find another partner?

[Spengler]

Yes, I have at times. A part of me is desperately lonely after losing my wife. Another part of me desperately just wants to be left alone. But, it's the feeling that -- help! -- I need someone to care for me, to take care of me that overwhelms me sometimes.

 

About a week ago, a thought spontaneously surfaced in my mind: that instead of looking for someone else to take care of me, I should pull myself together and learn, once more, to care for myself. I think, maybe, this was a subtle message sent from my wife. It's good sense and it brought me comfort.

 

Will I ever again be fit for another relationship? I don't know. But, this should be the least of my worries now. First I have to heal. It may take a long time.

[KayC]

I did, still in grief fog, I think trying to rebuild my life, it was insane!  He preyed on me in my vulnerability, and turned out to be a con man.  I'd warn anyone/everyone, DON'T!  You can't rebuild your life that way, there's only one way through your grief, and that's straight through it, pain and all.  In the end, you still have to go through it, it'll be waiting for you when you come to.  BTW, this guy never lived with me (but lived with two other women during our short marriage), and he used my credit to the tune of $57,000, which I have to pay back with interest.  It will cost me 2-3 times that by the time it's paid back, I'll be paying on it until I'm 80.  Biggest mistake of my life!  And he wasn't even my type!  I would be the one, the idiot that did this, I'm embarrassed, I regret it deeply. The one consolation is I know my husband would forgive me, he would understand, because he always understood me, he always knew what was behind everything I did.  I know the guy is lucky George can't get at him, I'd hate to be him if he could!

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, Spengler said:

Yes, I have at times. A part of me is desperately lonely after losing my wife. Another part of me desperately just wants to be left alone. But, it's the feeling that -- help! -- I need someone to care for me, to take care of me that overwhelms me sometimes.

 

About a week ago, a thought spontaneously surfaced in my mind: that instead of looking for someone else to take care of me, I should pull myself together and learn, once more, to care for myself. I think, maybe, this was a subtle message sent from my wife. It's good sense and it brought me comfort.

 

Will I ever again be fit for another relationship? I don't know. But, this should be the least of my worries now. First I have to heal. It may take a long time.

I feel like thinking about another person being in your life is normal. I have to admit that thought brings me stress so I quickly dismiss it. Like you said we all need to go through our healing process before adding anything new to the equation. It honestly wouldn't be fair to anyone because I honestly have nothing to give. I think the thought really only shows up because I desperately miss being hugged/comforted by my husband. It is a very painful/lonely process to go through. 

[LeannC45]

59 minutes ago, KayC said:

I did, still in grief fog, I think trying to rebuild my life, it was insane!  He preyed on me in my vulnerability, and turned out to be a con man.  I'd warn anyone/everyone, DON'T!  You can't rebuild your life that way, there's only one way through your grief, and that's straight through it, pain and all.  In the end, you still have to go through it, it'll be waiting for you when you come to.  BTW, this guy never lived with me (but lived with two other women during our short marriage), and he used my credit to the tune of $57,000, which I have to pay back with interest.  It will cost me 2-3 times that by the time it's paid back, I'll be paying on it until I'm 80.  Biggest mistake of my life!  And he wasn't even my type!  I would be the one, the idiot that did this, I'm embarrassed, I regret it deeply. The one consolation is I know my husband would forgive me, he would understand, because he always understood me, he always knew what was behind everything I did.  I know the guy is lucky George can't get at him, I'd hate to be him if he could!

KayC, I am so sorry you had to experience running into someone that would take advantage of you like that. I do fear making that mistake someday when I am ready to allow another person in my life. All we can really do is work on ourselves until we feel strong enough and even when we think we're ready we might not be. I don't know, I have a friend that said she went on a website for widow/widowers because she felt safe with someone who knew exactly how she felt. I don't know that I will ever do that but it makes sense. Thank you for sharing such a painful story so that we all might see that coming and avoid adding another wound to our already broken hearts.

[Nely]

1 hour ago, Spengler said:

Yes, I have at times. A part of me is desperately lonely after losing my wife. Another part of me desperately just wants to be left alone. But, it's the feeling that -- help! -- I need someone to care for me, to take care of me that overwhelms me sometimes.

 

About a week ago, a thought spontaneously surfaced in my mind: that instead of looking for someone else to take care of me, I should pull myself together and learn, once more, to care for myself. I think, maybe, this was a subtle message sent from my wife. It's good sense and it brought me comfort.

 

Will I ever again be fit for another relationship? I don't know. But, this should be the least of my worr

This thread is indeed an interesting one. You know, the first time the thought of finding love again came to my mind, I felt so terrible. I felt like I betrayed the love my husband and I shared. We were very much into each other so much so that for me, I never wanted anyone else. He was all I needed and wanted. He is my first love, I never had a boyfriend nor been intimate with anyone aside him.

To be honest, I don't know if I'd be happy to see my husband love another woman if he were the one here now. So I can't imagine loving another but the thoughts come and I try to dismiss it as soon as it came. Most people say to-me"you are young and will find another husband again". I'm 31 but the thing is, I never envisaged this life of ever being without my sweet Sam so early

Truth is, I don't know if there will be any man out there who will treat me, love me, adore me like my swit husband. Our love and bond was so special. Ours was true love.

It helps to know that these thoughts about loving again are normal.

[LoveGoli]

5 minutes ago, Nely said:

This thread is indeed an interesting one. You know, the first time the thought of finding love again came to my mind, I felt so terrible. I felt like I betrayed the love my husband and I shared. We were very much into each other so much so that for me, I never wanted anyone else. He was all I needed and wanted. He is my first love, I never had a boyfriend nor been intimate with anyone aside him.

To be honest, I don't know if I'd be happy to see my husband love another woman if he were the one here now. So I can't imagine loving another but the thoughts come and I try to dismiss it as soon as it came. Most people say to-me"you are young and will find another husband again". I'm 31 but the thing is, I never envisaged this life of ever being without my sweet Sam so early

Truth is, I don't know if there will be any man out there who will treat me, love me, adore me like my swit husband. Our love and bond was so special. Ours was true love.

It helps to know that these thoughts about loving again are normal.

Things mentioned in your thread are so similar to my life like I also never had any boyfriend except him, I am also in my early 30s I m 30, his name in my phone was Sam. 

[Nely]

1 hour ago, LoveGoli said:

Things mentioned in your thread are so similar to my life like I also never had any boyfriend except him, I am also in my early 30s I m 30, his name in my phone was Sam. 

@LoveGoli really? That's really interesting to know.

It hurts deep down that our first love will no longer be here physically with us. Sam was everything I wanted and still want. He "is" an angel because I don't know if there are men out there that will do the things he did for me. He loved me to a fault.

He thought me all I know about intimacy and I never imagined being intimate with someone else. His transition is a great blow to me. I feel so alone in all areas of life. I just feel broken into so many pieces and don't know how to put them back together because the pieces are so many.

I don't even know what to say....

[Sunflower2]

yes and then I stop and realize I'm looking for wayne in a replacement. 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

KayC, I am so sorry you had to experience running into someone that would take advantage of you like that. I do fear making that mistake someday when I am ready to allow another person in my life. All we can really do is work on ourselves until we feel strong enough and even when we think we're ready we might not be. I don't know, I have a friend that said she went on a website for widow/widowers because she felt safe with someone who knew exactly how she felt. I don't know that I will ever do that but it makes sense. Thank you for sharing such a painful story so that we all might see that coming and avoid adding another wound to our already broken hearts.

I didn't just run into him...he set out to prey on me.  There are actually people who read obituaries with this idea in mind!  He said he was a friend of George.  When all my friends disappeared, he was there to listen and (pretend to) care.  He is a Narcissist, and they can do things without conscience.  Being a caring person myself, I never dreamed there could be people so callous, I was very naive.  To think that there are people like this...it changes your view of the world.  I wish I'd had the marriage annulled rather than divorce but I chose the easiest, fastest route once I came to full realization to further protect myself from any more hits.  He even refused to get his car put into just his name because as long as my name was on it, I had to provide insurance on it!  The DMV doesn't have provision for this scenario, no way to force someone to change the title into their name only, even if awarded it in a divorce.  He knew that and took full advantage of it.  The DMV itself told me I'd have to sign his name to application for lost title and transfer of title in order to get it done!  Meanwhile he was letting his drunk GF drive it, knowing full well if she killed someone, I'd be on the line for it for the rest of my life.  Scary!  

You can't be too careful who you turn to or trust.  If anyone does decide to hook up with someone, check them out ahead of time, background checks, do some digging, be upfront and honest with them about it, but do it!  I'm very serious, it can have dire consequences if you don't.  Anyone wanting to date you should understand and respect you for it or let them go their way!

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Nely said:

It helps to know that these thoughts about loving again are normal.

It is, and especially if you have years and years left in your life.  It is because of them that it's hard for us to let go of those feelings and desires.  The ones who had bad marriages have no desire to go through that again, but those of us who have wonderful memories, it's hard to think of spending the rest of your life alone.  I've accepted that now, wish I had from the beginning.  Originally I just wanted a friend, someone to talk to.

[LeannC45]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't just run into him...he set out to prey on me.  There are actually people who read obituaries with this idea in mind!  He said he was a friend of George.  When all my friends disappeared, he was there to listen and (pretend to) care.  He is a Narcissist, and they can do things without conscience.  Being a caring person myself, I never dreamed there could be people so callous, I was very naive.  To think that there are people like this...it changes your view of the world.  I wish I'd had the marriage annulled rather than divorce but I chose the easiest, fastest route once I came to full realization to further protect myself from any more hits.  He even refused to get his car put into just his name because as long as my name was on it, I had to provide insurance on it!  The DMV doesn't have provision for this scenario, no way to force someone to change the title into their name only, even if awarded it in a divorce.  He knew that and took full advantage of it.  The DMV itself told me I'd have to sign his name to application for lost title and transfer of title in order to get it done!  Meanwhile he was letting his drunk GF drive it, knowing full well if she killed someone, I'd be on the line for it for the rest of my life.  Scary!  

You can't be too careful who you turn to or trust.  If anyone does decide to hook up with someone, check them out ahead of time, background checks, do some digging, be upfront and honest with them about it, but do it!  I'm very serious, it can have dire consequences if you don't.  Anyone wanting to date you should understand and respect you for it or let them go their way!

That does sound like a nightmare. Definitely something to watch out for.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎8‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 11:54 AM, Nely said:

About a week ago, a thought spontaneously surfaced in my mind: that instead of looking for someone else to take care of me, I should pull myself together and learn, once more, to care for myself. I think, maybe, this was a subtle message sent from my wife. It's good sense and it brought me comfort.

This brought a smile...even with a rough morning the calm is returning and I believe it is their energy!  I believe strongly it is her little nudge.

[Elle N]

On 8/17/2018 at 4:54 PM, Nely said:

This thread is indeed an interesting one. You know, the first time the thought of finding love again came to my mind, I felt so terrible. I felt like I betrayed the love my husband and I shared. We were very much into each other so much so that for me, I never wanted anyone else. He was all I needed and wanted. He is my first love, I never had a boyfriend nor been intimate with anyone aside him.

To be honest, I don't know if I'd be happy to see my husband love another woman if he were the one here now. So I can't imagine loving another but the thoughts come and I try to dismiss it as soon as it came. Most people say to-me"you are young and will find another husband again". I'm 31 but the thing is, I never envisaged this life of ever being without my sweet Sam so early

Truth is, I don't know if there will be any man out there who will treat me, love me, adore me like my swit husband. Our love and bond was so special. Ours was true love.

It helps to know that these thoughts about loving again are normal.

I am also 31 and so fed up of hearing people say to me ‘your so young you’ll meet someone else and can still have a family’ 

Well I’ve very occasionally thought to myself could I ever love someone again? and I really don’t think I could, The thought of putting myself out there again knowing that it will never come close to what I had with my Fiancé just isn’t worth it when I think about it. I know people are only trying to be nice when they say things like that but it’s so frustrating like, oh ok that’s, that love done now I’ll just find another to replace him and have the future I thought I was going to have with someone else. That love doesn’t just go does it? We didn’t finish our relationship with our partners when they died, it wasn’t our choice.  

I was with my partner for 18 years on and off and 11 years solidly until he died. I know he was my soul mate. 

I think it’s totally normal after losing someone to feel like u want the attention of someone else maybe or to just feel wanted again I guess. Some people do find love again quite quickly, I know a few women that have and there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone’s grief is different and how u cope is different too. I personally couldn’t give enough to someone else. 

[yuyu]

Hi Spengler,

I tried recently, I met her at a local store here near my place, they are selling fruits shakes, she is young. I'm 33 and she is 20. I was surprised that she knows what I'm dealing so apparently the news got spread throughout the neighborhood, so we began texting and sending private messages, for me I got fallen to quickly because of the loneliness and the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, but the burden of sharing my loneliness and pain is too much for her even though I avoided the topics and comparisons with my wife. Since we are gents it would be difficult to find a girl that can understand and hold our pain. This is just my opinion. FYI we are no longer communicating now so back to single again. 

[KayC]

On 8/17/2018 at 7:03 AM, Spengler said:

About a week ago, a thought spontaneously surfaced in my mind: that instead of looking for someone else to take care of me, I should pull myself together and learn, once more, to care for myself. I think, maybe, this was a subtle message sent from my wife.

Yes, it is the best thing to do, regardless of what we do in the future, this is the good core base we cannot avoid...and I get the distinct impression from my husband that he is so proud of me!  

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, yuyu said:

Hi Spengler,

I tried recently, I met her at a local store here near my place, they are selling fruits shakes, she is young. I'm 33 and she is 20. I was surprised that she knows what I'm dealing so apparently the news got spread throughout the neighborhood, so we began texting and sending private messages, for me I got fallen to quickly because of the loneliness and the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, but the burden of sharing my loneliness and pain is too much for her even though I avoided the topics and comparisons with my wife. Since we are gents it would be difficult to find a girl that can understand and hold our pain. This is just my opinion. FYI we are no longer communicating now so back to single again. 

Yuyu,

It is still fairly soon in, but perhaps you will meet and find someone for you...33 and 20 is quite an age difference at that young of an age, it would be hard for you to find someone who understands, but perhaps more on widow sites if that is your objective.  It'd be hard not to do the comparisons.  Perhaps start out just looking for a friend to talk to or someone to do things with without looking for romance per sae.

[yuyu]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

Yuyu,

It is still fairly soon in, but perhaps you will meet and find someone for you...33 and 20 is quite an age difference at that young of an age, it would be hard for you to find someone who understands, but perhaps more on widow sites if that is your objective.  It'd be hard not to do the comparisons.  Perhaps start out just looking for a friend to talk to or someone to do things with without looking for romance per sae.

Yeah you're right, simple things gets complicated. 

[Nely]

@Elle N, you know, you stated it PERFECTLY. I love the way you expressed it.

33 minutes ago, Elle N said:

Well I’ve very occasionally thought to myself could I ever love someone again? and I really don’t think I could, The thought of putting myself out there again knowing that it will never come close to what I had with my Fiancé just isn’t worth it when I think about it.

Ill honestly also don't feel I can have anything close to the love, attention, care, sacrifice my husband showered on me. HE JUST KNOWS HOW TO LOVE ME WITH ALL MY IMPERFECTIONS. I remember how we each told ourselves that we won't find another one out there with our kind of make up. We both understood and appreciated how special we are and how lucky we were to have found each other.

4 hours ago, Elle N said:

it’s so frustrating like, oh ok that’s, that love done now I’ll just find another to replace him and have the future I thought I was going to have with someone else. That love doesn’t just go does it? We didn’t finish our relationship with our partners when they died, it wasn’t our choice.  

You know.... That love CAN NEVER GO AWAY .what I shared with my love was UNIQUE AND TRUE and irreplaceable just as he is special and unique as a person. Elle N, it isn't our choice to be without them. I don't think letting him pass would HAVE EVER BEEN AN OPTION FOR ME. I"D DO EVERYTHING HUMANELY POSSIBLE TO HAVE HIM WITH ME.

 

4 hours ago, Elle N said:

Everyone’s grief is different and how u cope is different too. I personally couldn’t give enough to someone else. 

True. Everyone"s grief is different just as it is with the level of relationship with our partners/ spouses. I'm grieving and hurting this much because I know what I have lost with the transition of my beloved husband.

I wish us ALL the strength and peace and understanding we need on this journey.

[Mama Tango]

On 8/17/2018 at 9:03 AM, Spengler said:

A part of me is desperately lonely after losing my wife. Another part of me desperately just wants to be left alone. 

This describes me perfectly. Half of me just wants to be alone, just take care of our kids, concentrate on work. But the other half is SO LONELY. I don’t have a lot of friends, but even the few I have, the conversations just don’t compare. 

[KayC]

Spengler, I understand.  They leave a gaping hole.  But we also realize there's nothing/nobody fixing this.

Mama Tango,

Welcome here, I haven't seen you on before.  Maybe you could post a thread with a bit of introduction so we know your story.  I see you're 2 1/2 months out, so it's still pretty fresh...it can seem like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time, it's so life changing.  We look forward to getting to know you, although I'm sorry for the reason.