Still Married?

[adventure]

What are the thoughts of the marriage continuing in the Afterlife? And what if there were multiple marriages? I just don't know what to think about this.

[HPB]

Dear adventure,

Emanuel Swedenborg has a version of the afterlife that gives hope to me:

https://leewoof.org/2017/01/29/will-happily-married-couples-be-together-in-heaven/

https://swedenborg.com/married-couples-in-the-afterlife/

I hope you get some useful insight providing hope for you aswell

HPB

[Epope]

@adventure

I've thought about this a little bit, because as someone who has lost the love of their life at 31 years old, I know that the next leg of my journey in life may bring me another love. What do I think will happen if I take my last breath loving another man? 

I know that if Derek had lived and I had passed, I'd desperately want him to be happy and if that meant loving someone else, I'd do everything to protect the both of them. I know that he wants the same for me. In the afterlife, I don't believe we are as primitive with our hearts as we are as humans. I've read a lot about what happens when you are a widow/widower and you start to feel again for someone new. You never stop loving your lost love, you simply open your heart wider for the new one. So maybe, in the afterlife, our heart is able to split apart and yet stay whole. Does that make sense? Maybe it shouldn't make any sense to us since, after all, we are humans. 

 

[adventure]

@HPB thank you for the articles. I briefly looked at them and will study them more soon. I am so hurting and feel desperate. EVERYTHING is gone.

 

@Epope I lost my husband when he was 42 years old. I met Tom one year later. I found joy again. I NEVER lost any love for my husband Tor as my new relationship grew. I still mourned for Tor despite being in love with Tom. You stated it accurately when you said you open your heart wider for the new one. God has created our hearts for a huge capacity to love!! It's been 13 years since Tor died and about 1 week before Tom's unexpected passing I was in the shower and had an overwhelming feeling of Tor's loss that I just cried. And I deeply deeply love Tom.

It's coming up to 3 months without Tom. My heart is still rejecting this reality. My brain does sometimes too. He was so alive and we were making our plans for our next sail trip on our sailboat and 90 minutes later he is having a heartache and I'm doing CPR while I'm crying "Not again!!! Not again!!!" I know time gives some sort of accceptance. But for now I'm deep deep in despair. My goals and dreams are over. I resent that my body is so strong and keeps breathing. It's hard to keep picking yourself up from these devastating losses. 

[KayC]

@HPB  Thank you for sharing that video, I appreciate their way of explaining what I have already felt to be true.

[Epope]

@adventure

My heart goes to you. I wish there was more for me to say than "I'm sorry", because that simply isn't enough and won't ever be enough. There is probably nothing anyone can ever say that will soothe or heal the scars that are now in your heart, but I want to tell you that I admire your courage. You may feel that you have none, but the fact that you said your body is so strong and keeps breathing tells me that there is a small spark of hope still somewhere inside of you that keeps you going. It's hard to hear these things because all you want to do is reject people's words (I know I do sometimes) and live inside the dark winter loss puts us in. We live there for sometime, but then springtime comes and with that brings newness. Both of your loves are watching you. They wont stop loving you. Love is continuous and takes many shapes. I hope that in the midst of your darkness, you find something that leads you to the light. It might be something unexpected. I wish you that light and most of all, peace, and that as you are able to heal on your own time, the snow melts away and you can see green again. 

[HPB]

@adventure

I'm so sorry for the (repeated) horrible pain you are going through.

I'm reading in this forum silently since about 3 months, and this forum gave me life support like nothing else. Here are the people that understand. I specially want to thank @KayC very much for the tireless efforts to support all shattered hearts meeting here.

Today marks 4 months that my angel, my loved wife of shy 9 years, was ripped from me by sudden death of brain aneurysm rupture.  I'm devastated, and feel like falling out of a fairy tale, very similar as @bradley1985  reported here quite some time ago. After very early retirement - as ATC-controller in 2013 - my angel and me lived the past 5 years 24/7, sharing everything and every moment together.

Now my room is filled with unbearable void and silence, it's literally the hope to be reunited in the after life which keeps me alive here on Earth. Being 53 y.o., I look at a scaring road ahead of an unbearable lifespan of 20 to 40 years. A lonely remaining life without (physical) my loved wife. 

 

 

 

 

[adventure]

@HPB I know what it is to mark off every day that we are not with our beloveds. I say out loud the things in my life to be grateful for but at this moment in time that doesn't give comfort. At this point in time the memories bring heartache as they remind me there will be no more. I cashed in half my retirement account to buy our sailboat. I was quitting my job in July and we were going to go back to cruising again. At this moment I'm awake and will go into work for a 12 hour shift of floor nursing. It's so hard pulling myself through, he's not there throughout the day, no text messages, no phone call on the way home, he's not there to greet me with, "Yeah, you're here!!". 

 I see everyday I work the slow deterioration of the human body. I looked forward to aging together. Alone, abandoned is what I feel. I just turned 59 and all I see is a long long stretch of time alone and empty. As you said....void and silence. 

im sorry I am only doom and gloom. 

[KayC]

@HPB  I wrote this article and hope even one of these "tips" helps you make your way through your journey, I know how tough it can be.  It's meant to print out and look over every few months as where you are in your journey different things will stand out to you, but it changes along the way as to what hits you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sunflower2]

On ‎8‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 9:26 AM, HPB said:

Dear adventure,

Emanuel Swedenborg has a version of the afterlife that gives hope to me:

https://leewoof.org/2017/01/29/will-happily-married-couples-be-together-in-heaven/ 

https://swedenborg.com/married-couples-in-the-afterlife/ 

I hope you get some useful insight providing hope for you aswell

HPB

Thank you for this share!!!!!!!!  This is what I enjoy receiving on this journey. I'm in between releasing the physical but still hanging on to that thread for the moment.