Can't get over death of narcissistic mother

[Amara]

I lost my Mother 3 yrs ago and still cry. She was never a Mother to me , she was a selfish, self centred alcoholic. But I loved her a lot. I started counselling in my late 30s and they all said go no contact. When I did my psychopathic brother swooped in and killed her a year later by munchausen by proxy for her property. While he was abusing her she reached out to me and wanted me to see her but she also blamed me for her illness and threatened to cut me out of her will.I had no idea what my brother was doing to her.When I finally went to see her she had been put in a nursing home by my brother and was in an awful condition.

I think about the fact that I could have saved her life had I gone earlier. Why was I as heartless as she was. I developed scabies and have been suffering for the last two years. My brother has been tormenting me over the inheritance.I just can't seem to forgive myself  I keep thinking of all the nasty things she did to me but it's of no help . I have been the scapegoat in my family and used to taking the blame for everything.

Its not my fault but my brothers how can I stop punishing myself.

[Deborahlydia]

Oh luv. I can completely understand about emotionally absent mother. I think it makes the grief even more complicated. I'm devasted by the loss of my mum, although she treated me horribly after my dad died. It's so hard to try and explain to people what it's like