Dreams

[Epope]

Lately, I've been having dreams about Derek. The first one, I couldn't see him, but I knew he was there. The second one, he was there, but was sleeping. Now, I have these dreams where he's just sort of...there next to me...not speaking, only following me...and I have a time limit. One of them was I had four hours to save him from a disease. The next dream I had, I had four days to get to his house or else I'd lose him. The most terrible of all of the dreams I've had, was the one where he was brought back to life. I woke up feeling sick. 

Has anyone else had dreams like this? I find it odd that these are the types of dreams I'm having about him, and not ones where he's telling me "i'm ok." Maybe it's bc I know he's in a place of non judgement and he's safe and warm and happy. Maybe I'm having these dreams because for many nights, I thought about how I could have saved him. 

[BSL]

Hi Epope,

I lost my wife over 2 1/2 years ago now and I have had numerous similar types of dreams as you describe. Ones where she came back to life, ones where she was cured suddenly and we were dancing with joy, ones where she was dying but she did not know but I did know in the dream. They are all very devastating to go through, I'm sure you'll agree.

For the longest time, I could not see my wife's face in the dreams. Once just a week ago, I could see her clearly and she spoke but she was healthy in the dream.

I believe time is the changing factor in the type of dreams, so where our thoughts are going will dictate what we dream. As time passes, the thoughts and our subconscious changes too.

I think, we are different in how we interpret the meaning of the dreams. Do you feel dreams are a way your husband is communicating with you? 

 

Bill

[Epope]

Hi @BSL

Thanks for your response and I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. 

I'm happy that she came to you healthy in your dream. I once read, shortly after my grandmother died (actually on Derek's birthday of last year), that should your loved one choose to come to you in dreams, they show themselves the way they want you to remember them. So my grandmother always appeared young, vibrant, and fashionable. Your wife coming back healthy seems like something she would show you, as opposed to anything else. Derek has really only showed his face once to me in a dream, wearing his typical blue shirt (he loved blue), but he was asleep in bed. All of my other dreams I don't see him, I just feel him. 

I guess, to answer your question, my answer is no. Maybe Derek isn't communicating through dreams to me. Perhaps, my head is just too busy and he thinks I need a rest. I just wonder why others have approached me, saying that they have had dreams about him where he tells them he's ok. Not so much with words, but with his actions. Or they have normal dreams about him, where they are driving in a car chatting or hiking in the woods, whereas mine are always frantic with a time limit.

I miss him and every bone in my body tells me that he is safe and happy, but I was always one to want to hear those words out loud. Maybe one day, when he knows that my mind has rested some, he'll let me know. 

[Britty]

Thank you for sharing. Yes on the dreams. His death was just over a week ago now so I’m worried about the bazaar dreams long term. Life is dream like anyways so this must be how my brain is processing the reality that he was there and poof! Now he’s gone. I’ve had dreams where I tell myself “unfortunately when you wake up, this won’t change.” It does help with the pain of realizing he’s gone all over again each morning. I see him but never his face and he’s always busy with something else. He’s just going about things, near but very far and acting as though I’m not there. It’s just like my real life where traces of him are everywhere but he isn’t. It seems terribly cruel. The first few nights I would see just the back of his head like he was so close but I couldn’t reach him. Other people are grieving and sharing their dreams of him but they’re all cathartic dreams and mine are troubling. I think these dreams must be how my mind is filing and storing all of the habits and behaviors involving him. Only my brain isn’t sure what category these moments belong to. Is it anger? Or rejection? Or violence? In this case of an undiagnosed heart issue, it’s just that. Chaos at best.

[LJCM]

I pray every night to at least have a "sign" that I know he's with me and the kids. I have only had 2 dreams but I can't remember every little detail. I have had one of his all time favourite chocolates appear in the fridge, turns out my son put it there after finding it in the cupboard. 

Apart from that, I am constantly Wondering why I can't get more signs? I need to know he is with us and watching over us and he is ok. It's been 3 months this week since I have been without him. I am so confused and I think I am still trying to block out the pain. I just want and need my husband..... 

I never thought of myself being widowed at only 33. I never thought my children would be without a father. I am just so confused. 

[Britty]

12 minutes ago, LJCM said:

I pray every night to at least have a "sign" that I know he's with me and the kids. I have only had 2 dreams but I can't remember every little detail. I have had one of his all time favourite chocolates appear in the fridge, turns out my son put it there after finding it in the cupboard. 

Apart from that, I am constantly Wondering why I can't get more signs? I need to know he is with us and watching over us and he is ok. It's been 3 months this week since I have been without him. I am so confused and I think I am still trying to block out the pain. I just want and need my husband..... 

I never thought of myself being widowed at only 33. I never thought my children would be without a father. I am just so confused. 

I’m so sorry for your loss. We are the same age of 33. Being a young widow wasn’t part of the plan. I have just 1 child, not children. That must be tough to stay strong for your team of little ones. It’s been just 9 days and my daughter started school today. I can only think about how much he wanted to be there. I haven’t had any signs, only odd dreams that leave me even lonelier. The silence is palpable and suffocating at times. Again I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate to desperately wanting to feel they’re nearby and needing that comfort only to find more emptiness. It will get better. I have to believe that.

[KayC]

Dreams are weird, there are some people who think we can control them, I haven't ever been able to...they come or they don't and the content is sometimes peculiar.  It was probably a year or so before I dreamed of George and it in I was mad at him for leaving me and wanted to know where he'd been!  When I woke up I was mad at myself for wasting that precious bit of dream time being mad at him instead of just holding him and telling him how much I loved him.  In real life we weren't mad at each other, we loved each other to the fullest, so I couldn't understand why I'd finally get a dream and it'd be like that.  Over the years when I have had a dream of him, it's been ordinary, like an ordinary day, not realizing until I woke how special it was to get that bit of time with him.  If I could dream of him whenever I wanted I'd sleep my life away!

[Epope]

I recently began to have a better understanding of my dreams. I wondered why it was that I was frantic in feeling like I needed to save him and I'd go to the ends of the Earth to do so. And it confused and saddened me that Derek would never speak or do much of anything but follow me around. Almost like a shadow. I woke up always feeling upset that I had dreamed about essentially losing him, and in my reality I'd already lost him. I thought Derek wasn't communicating with me through my dreams because verbally and physically, he wasn't. Though, I changed my perception and realized this: that he actually was communicating with me. He was standing idly by as if to tell me - you're wasting your time when you spend your waking hours thinking about the past and how you might be able to change it, and now you're wasting your time in your dreams trying to save something you can't. Writing this makes me sad and angry because it's the truth. I wish I could go back and change things and do everything to save him. But I already saved him as much as I could - by making him happy, showing him he made me happy, and making sure that he felt smothering love every single day we were together. 

 

 

[Britty]

On 8/22/2018 at 5:37 PM, Epope said:

I recently began to have a better understanding of my dreams. I wondered why it was that I was frantic in feeling like I needed to save him and I'd go to the ends of the Earth to do so. And it confused and saddened me that Derek would never speak or do much of anything but follow me around. Almost like a shadow. I woke up always feeling upset that I had dreamed about essentially losing him, and in my reality I'd already lost him. I thought Derek wasn't communicating with me through my dreams because verbally and physically, he wasn't. Though, I changed my perception and realized this: that he actually was communicating with me. He was standing idly by as if to tell me - you're wasting your time when you spend your waking hours thinking about the past and how you might be able to change it, and now you're wasting your time in your dreams trying to save something you can't. Writing this makes me sad and angry because it's the truth. I wish I could go back and change things and do everything to save him. But I already saved him as much as I could - by making him happy, showing him he made me happy, and making sure that he felt smothering love every single day we were together. 

 

 

That does make sense. Thank you. The dreams are very one-sided & I know they’re my way of separating myself from the pain. My brain is cutting him off & trying to create this idea that he feels cold towards me. It couldn’t be further from the truth! I’ve read this is common in sudden death where the closure isn’t there. It’s like I was “ghosted” after a bad date as they say. I was doing laundry & felt like I might be missing hangers from his closet. Then I thought maybe he took a few clothes & started a wonderful life in Cabo & faked all of this to escape us. The idea made me feel better. Then I found the sweaty clothes I wore while furiously trying to do CPR & thought at least I would’ve been spared from that trauma! So I know he didn’t do this to me but I also want to avoid the suffering from not being able to save him. The brain wants so badly to assign blame somewhere. It’s an endless loop. I agree these dreams are a waste of time & not any real communication from the ones we love so deeply(& who love us back!).