Dating Someone Suffering from a Loss

[Aviaprof]

Greetings everyone,

 

Please forgive the double post as I may have made the first one under the wrong topic.  I am sorry for the length of this; however, I am hoping someone can give me some guidance dating someone who is suffering from a loss.  I am very confused about what is normal or abnormal behavior for both of us.

In 2010 a woman and I met, fell in love, and dated for a little over two years.  We were engaged.  Due to outside life circumstances and maturity issues with both of us we decided in middle of 2012 to separate.  Shortly after the separation we both moved on and dated other people.  I had more relationships than her while she met one individual and stayed with him for the 5 years.

Around September of 2017 we reconnected and began dating again.  It was amazing!  The love and friendship we had was still present.  It felt as if we never separated from one another.  Shortly after reconnecting she provided some insight regarding the person she had been seeing.  They dated for approximately 2.5-3 years before he suffered a heart attack.  She felt it best to move him in and care for him until he died.  Some of the details she provided are part of my confusion and struggle.

Some of the confusion stems from how she describes this person.  She loved him, but she knew he was not for her and the relationship would not last.  Her friends had told her this and she conveyed she felt the same way to me as well as her best friend.  Then she would describe him as her husband, her love, someone she cared about but not deeply, and the descriptions would change constantly.  The only reason she moved him in was out of obligation to help.  She described the guilt she faced because this person was in heart failure, kidney failure, lung failure, and a multitude of other ailments.  He was at the VA no less than 2 times a week.  Each time they informed her he was about to die, he would recover and be sent home.  On the day he passed away she arrived at the hospital hours after the fact as she assumed it was the same situation as always and she would pick him up and go home.

When we started seeing one another again this person had passed away 10-11 months prior.  There were times shortly after we started dating that she would only want to talk about this person.  At the time she still had all his possession in her house, was still receiving his mail, had his clothes in her closet, and his mother sent her a portion of his ashes.  A military funeral was held, and they presented her with his flag and honored her as his spouse.  She had some of his ashes made in to a ring which she wears as daily.  She would become very upset when I was not be able to discuss all the details of their life together.  She wanted to discuss his death, their vacations, intimate moments, and life.  She would not tell anyone about us.  She kept me from her family and his and most of her friends.  Whenever someone called or came over she would hang up and tell me to not call or text until she contacts me first.  She didn’t want anyone to know.  If she went to go do something with his family I may not hear from her for days.  It came to a point where I had to say I could not be both the boyfriend and the counselor.  However, she did not want to go see anyone else for help.  The grief appeared bad and possibly pathological.

All of this created many arguments between us.  I did ask at one point she not wear the ring when we were intimate together because it was hurtful and explained the symbolism to me.  Moreover, it was a reminder to me she was not ready to be in a relationship.  Eventually the arguments became so frequent we separated again in November of last year.

This June she contacted me, and we have started seeing one another again.  Many things have changed, and I can tell she has coped with some issues.  She is much happier.  She has told everyone other than his family about me.  I am not allowed to be on her FB page of other social media feeds, but I am not hidden as much.  She still wears the ring she had made and every now and then it is visible in pictures she sends.  However, when we are together she doesn’t talk about this person or wear the ring.  I did ask her how she knows she is ready for us now.  All she would say is that she had to do some things and come to some realizations, but she won’t discuss them, so it does not affect us or hurt me.

My concern for her is knowing that she is healing in a healthy way.  Moreover, I have a fear (more unfounded I suppose) that what if this person becomes the center of our relationship again.  We both love each other immensely.  Both of us would do anything for the other.  It is painful because we often think about what we have missed out on together and the life we could have had all these years.  However, I cannot tell what irrational or normal behavior for both of us is.  For example, is it normal for me to be concerned she still wears this ring with his ashes?  Or wonder if she still has all his possessions and has not buried the ashes his mom sent?  I can see some of this behavior being normal if you were married to someone for 25+ years but not someone you dated for a couple.  The descriptions of what this person was in her life changed so often it only deepens my confusion.  I am sure I have not acted appropriately through this either as we both have our own struggles in this case.

 

 

[KayC]

You are dating someone who is actively grieving.  As such, it would help if you would learn about grief so you could have an inkling of what she's been going through.  Know that even if you learned about it, it is still not the same thing as going through it.  

• There's no point in being jealous of a dead person.  They are not competition except in your mind only.
• Her feelings can be all over the place.  She can know and feel contrary things at the same time.  Feelings need not be rational or make sense, they are there to get through.
• There's nothing wrong with her wearing this ring.  It is a remembrance of someone she cares about.  Period.  That is all.
• You have a right to not want to be a hidden secret.  You might want to tell her to contact you when she is ready to come out of the closet about you...to everyone.  She is doing so out of fear of other's response, not because she wants to disrespect you, but it can have the effect of doing just that all the same.
• This person and his death are a part of her, part of her history, part of her experiences, and thus part of her.  It'll be essential to accept that as part of the person you love.
• Grief has a beginning but not an ending.  While it does not stay in the same intensity, it can take a very long time to adjust to the changes it means to one's life, it is a PROCESS.  Some have a hard time getting rid of the clothes, etc.  It can take years to reach that point, some choose not to get rid of their belongings, ever.  If you can't accept her time frame and choices of how to deal with her own personal grief, perhaps you are not ready for a relationship with her.  That's the hard cold truth.  You can't rush her.
• Grief is not like a divorce.  Not even if their relationship wasn't perfect.  She didn't choose for him to die.  He didn't choose to be away from her.  In that sense, their relationship continues, although it changes form.  In time we learn to incorporate our deceased loved one into our lives in different ways out of necessity of their no longer being able to continue in the same ways.  
• You are making more of a problem with this than there needs to be.  That's why some widows choose only to date other widowers, because they "get it", they aren't jealous of the deceased mate.  They can still have a picture up on the wall of them, still see their family, etc. without there being a problem about it.
• Perhaps you need to both see a grief counselor together who can help the two of you incorporate your relationship and the grief into a non-threatening way that you can both live with.  It might help you learn to see things from her side and her see your point of view.  I will say this:  I have a friend who was widowed and she remarried...he won't let her bring up her dead husband, even though they had kids from that union, and he won't allow her to have a picture up of him.  I would never agree to such a union for the reasons she is experiencing...it causes her great turmoil all because he's jealous of someone who is dead instead of embracing him as part of her.  It can be done.

Good luck with it.  It'd be a shame to let a good relationship go unnecessarily just because of a lack of understanding.  You will never know what it's like to lose someone unless you experience it firsthand, but you can make effort and at least not give her havoc over it.  You obviously want to understand or you wouldn't have written here.  I do hope you can work things out.  It sounds like you have enough worth trying for.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Aviaprof]

Thank you very much.  Yes a great deal of this is trying to understand things on my part.  It is difficult because we had a strong history and maybe that is where the struggle comes from?  The counseling thing has been mentioned though that is not something she is ready for and I will seek on my own for the time being.  I don't understand why I feel this way so it is hard to wrap my head around.  I have a friend who was married for 17 years and his wife passed about 5 years ago and he is still grief stricken.  It makes it more complicated when he sees some of the behavior and doesn't understand due to the shortness of the relationship.  I think everyone has their own suggestions and opinions which affects my abilities discern what is irrational and what is normal for both of us.  I am trying to find that common ground to where we both understand one another's perspectives. 

[KayC]

It's not the length of relationship, it's the quality, the connection.  Some people can be more connected after a month than others at 50 years.  It is the love shared.

When we can't get our partner to go to counseling, we go alone and glean what we can to help us proceed.

I wish you well with this.  Let us know, okay?

[lovingstill]

On 8/16/2018 at 2:50 PM, Aviaprof said:

Thank you very much.  Yes a great deal of this is trying to understand things on my part.  It is difficult because we had a strong history and maybe that is where the struggle comes from?  The counseling thing has been mentioned though that is not something she is ready for and I will seek on my own for the time being.  I don't understand why I feel this way so it is hard to wrap my head around.  I have a friend who was married for 17 years and his wife passed about 5 years ago and he is still grief stricken.  It makes it more complicated when he sees some of the behavior and doesn't understand due to the shortness of the relationship.  I think everyone has their own suggestions and opinions which affects my abilities discern what is irrational and what is normal for both of us.  I am trying to find that common ground to where we both understand one another's perspectives.  

Even as you try to understand, you're rationalizing your jealousy here by insinuating that the shortness of the relationship should make it less painful. Some of us got 1 month, some of us got 30 years. At the end of the day, partner loss is gut wrenching and I know many widows who choose not to date again. She's giving you a chance; that should mean something to you. Good luck.