I feel as if he was a figment of my imagination :-(

[BetsyD]

It has been almost four months since my beloved Tom died. I have ups and downs like everyone else and I know it is still new - after all, later this month the four-month anniversary of my devastation is the same day as what would have been the fortieth anniversary of the day we met. 

I touch his things, I look at his letters, I smell his cologne...and yet, I can’t really picture him. I look around and wonder if he was ever really here or was he a figment of my imagination. Of course I know he was here - rationally and intellectually. But why do I get this feeling that he was never physically here? Do any of you feel this way?

It makes me sad, it makes me cry...it is so hard to picture him as much as I spend time looking at pictures of him and of us and of him with our children and even, briefly, of him with his new grandson. 

I know there is no “right or wrong” way to grieve, but I am wandering around this house wondering if I am completely crazy.

Thank you for letting me vent and for letting me express my fears about my sanity. I miss him so, I have decisions to make and I want to ask his advice, I have new recipes I want to try with him and new songs I want to listen to with him. So why can’t I picture him? He was, and is, my world.

[KayC]

Oh yes, I've felt that.  I have physically walked over to my file cabinet and had to look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, pictures, his handwriting.  Why does it feel so surreal, like I made him up?  I guess because I can't physically touch him anymore, and he's not here to hold me or talk to me.  The longer time passes the more it feels this way.  I have memories but sometimes they feel like a long ago movie I once watched.  It helps to stop, close my eyes, and REMEMBER him holding me, remember how it felt, remember how he smelled, remember how we were with each other, his voice.  Yes, he was real.  He still is.

[Miye]

i somehow feel that way too. It's like all we had together was just the most precious dream. Just a dream, i compare him in my mind to a shooting star, to an eclipse...thinking of us as the moon and the sun that can't be together but have touched each other... and that  won't happen again...Not in this lifetime and that breaks my heart

[LeannC45]

I feel the same way, like my 18 years with my husband was just a dream. I sit and try to think about what we were doing and big chunks of time are missing. I just can't seem to recall all the details like I want to. I am at seven months without my husband but it literally feels like I haven't seen him in years. I like to look at his hand writing, he had beautiful handwriting unlike me. I keep pictures of him in drawers that I open on a regular basis. I keep a piece of his clothing hanging up at each end of my closet. I purposely keep little reminders of him all over my house. The part that makes me feel like I am crazy is that none of it seems like enough of a connection to the relationship I know I had. It is removed in a way that scares me. I know they say love lives on in the memories you hold but it's like time is so abstract and distorted. It is really hard to navigate and understand why I feel this way.

[KayC]

I do that too, Leann, I have his robe still hanging next to mine.  And although most of his clothes are gone, I still have his hat hanging on a hook, like he'll be home any moment to grab it.  I have his trinket holder in the bedroom, it brings me comfort to have some of his things still incorporated around the house.  And I have pictures of him up on the wall where I can glance up at him.  Nope, I didn't make him up, he isn't a figment of my imagination, he was the most wonderful part of my life, the one who taught me about love.

[adventure]

I feel his presence slipping away so much more everyday...and my heart breaks all over again. I scream when I'm in the house alone. Today is day 84. I pull his pictures up from my phone. I watch the videos on my phone I took at our Christmas party and he's leading everyone into singing Christmas carols from the song sheets he made. I watch the video of the new kitten sleeping on his stomach while he's laughing at it. Anything to hear his voice. My head hurts all day. I have the ping pong in my head....he's coming back...he's dead....he's coming home....he's dead. This morning I cried and cried and cried because I didn't feel him loving me. Then I wonder if he ever did. I'm unsure of everything. I know nothing. My needs are so simple and basic...I need to see and touch his face. I need to hear him say my name. 

[KayC]

adventure,

It's important to remember that all that happened is his body gave out.  He didn't break up with you, his body gave out.  Of course he still loves you, just as you still love him!  It's hard to proceed on faith the rest of our lives, but that's exactly what I've learned to do.  I know that George loves me just as he always did.  And my love continues to grow...just as I know his does too.  We will be together again, and what a happy reunion day that will be!  Look at my signature...We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time  Our wedding bands have Soulmates thru all time inscribed inside of them, the infinity sign part of our rings.  Nothing has changed about how I feel and I know it hasn't for him either.  We were perfect for each other.

[Britty]

On 8/18/2018 at 8:44 AM, KayC said:

adventure,

It's important to remember that all that happened is his body gave out.  He didn't break up with you, his body gave out.  Of course he still loves you, just as you still love him!  It's hard to proceed on faith the rest of our lives, but that's exactly what I've learned to do.  I know that George loves me just as he always did.  And my love continues to grow...just as I know his does too.  We will be together again, and what a happy reunion day that will be!  Look at my signature...We WILL meet again! ...my Soulmate, my best friend, thru all time  Our wedding bands have Soulmates thru all time inscribed inside of them, the infinity sign part of our rings.  Nothing has changed about how I feel and I know it hasn't for him either.  We were perfect for each other.

Thank you. This is beautiful. It’s comforting to hear that he did not break, just his body. My mind is separating him from ever existing and it’s easier to think he’s mad or never cared. It’s easier to reject how much he loved me. I feel the memories fading because it’s too painful. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Britty said:

Thank you. This is beautiful. It’s comforting to hear that he did not break, just his body. My mind is separating him from ever existing and it’s easier to think he’s mad or never cared. It’s easier to reject how much he loved me. I feel the memories fading because it’s too painful. 

That's because it's easier for anger to fuel healing as in a break up than to feel pain from grief...you're trying avoidance.  In the end, grief will still be there waiting for you so you might as well let yourself feel it, it aids the processing and adjustment.