The loss of my mother

[Louis]

I was fourteen when this all started, this new journey, it ended in round about two and a half weeks, but that was just the beginning of something bigger. My mother past away in a short amount of time from the cancer which she was suffering with which I still don't know which one to this day but it was an aggressive form, I don't know if its a blessing that she didn't have to suffer long, but those two and a half weeks changed me forever. i remember what happened like it just happened yesterday but its been a year since.

I was with her every day for those two and a bit weeks, early morning till late at night, just sitting there, getting tea and stuff for my grandparents and aunt, my father, on the other hand, wasn't there as she was a single mother but came to visit before she died in that period which I am quite angry at  him about for not being there when most needed by his son, and I think he regrets it, I don't know. I was looking after all my family, taking charge of who visited, telling all the people and relatives the news and updated them from time to time, got food and drink for them from the coffee place at night and food and water from WHsmith while also trying to look after myself. At the same time, my family were losing their mind and I had to console them because of this sudden change.

Before she went into hospital, I remember one night when she was in severe pain sitting on the chair downstairs in my kitchen screaming for help, and I didn't hear her from the start, and my grandparents were sleeping like logs, so they didn't hear either. I woke up in a frazzle and rushed downstairs to see if she was alright, and clearly, she wasn't, and I didn't know what to do. Apparently, when the emergency services came there was nothing wrong but my feelings were telling me that there was, but I just ignored them until it was too late, and as a result, she suffered in the worst way possible. Yes, I do kind of hold myself accountable for her death as I ignored what was screaming at me in the face which was all related to my mother's physical health at the time. Maybe even if I didn't ignore them, things could have ended the way they are now. 

That fight-flight feeling was triggered and was constantly triggered in my home, so it wasn't a new feeling for me to feel in danger, but my mum was there to sort it out, only now am I feeling the brute force of it, but anyway, I was doing everything, or so I felt, everything in my power to help, but even so everything which happened was the worst way things could have gone, or at least one of the worst ways things could have gone. 

I was the adult and they were the children. Having that sudden change really does something to you.

I remember the second worst moment of my life, this was when I was left alone in solitude with my mum and I, it was a grey day and suddenly everything went downhill. She was screaming out in pain, her heart racing, her face pale as the palest colour of white, without any life, her blonde hair was turning grey, and she was shaking all about on her bed with her bag full of waste and pee, and she was screaming my name, over and over, "help me louis,help me" over and over, like a broken record. I didnt know what to do, though I looked for nurses though there weren't any, and I feel bad that I left her to suffer, that I couldn't do a damn thing, that I couldn't help her but I did my best, I denied that and tried. I got a nurse and in anger, I gave her instructions on what to do. She clearly hasnt experienced this scenario like I have on a major life death scale, but, I tried. I asked her to help me lift her up on her side. There is a Chinese cream called tiger balm I think its called, it numbs the pain dramatically on an area on the body, and her pain was coming from the lower back, so, the nurse and I turned her on her side while I tried to help the pain levels by adding it. I was shaking and in panic but calm, and I will always remember that intense feeling of fight or flight, I felt compelled to leave but I couldn't just leave her there to rot, so I applied the cream and it calmed her down thankfully until, late to the party, the doctors turned up and took it from there. I went back to the waiting room and I saw all my family having a blast laughing, and I thought in frustration and anger "F*ck them", I was so angry at them leaving me to deal with something that I clearly couldn't. No support or even emotional support. 

The thing which got to me most is when I saw her dead. That image, of her, the person I loved the most, lifeless, pale, grey with no movement or sign of life in a dark room. It is as almost death was there. The scent and the sight of someone not breathing, with actually no actions, nothing, just dead, a corpse, with her mouth open, not responsive, her eyes shut, no breath and no reaction. After all the effort, I couldn't save her, even though I thought I could do something. By this stage I was on the verge of collapse from tiredness, I tripped up the eleven flights of stairs to her room, My responses were sluggish and I was starving and dehydrated from all the walking and workload and stress I was put under from the circumstances, and as a result, somehow, my metabolism is a bit messed up. I cried the most tears I have ever cried in my lifetime, and I'm sure my salt levels were extremely low as well. I had to handle the emotional and physical stress I was under I was very calm, abnormally calm, and so, as I felt, people were just chucking their emotional baggage on me and expected that I was fine, and i can't blame them for thinking that. I felt so sick when I saw her body, and even when I write now I feel nauseous. Due to all the events which occurred throughout those two weeks, I deal with PTSD, and it ain't fun but I am trying.

But this is just the start of it.

I as of now, have no parents though I do have people who do love me so I shouldn't ignore that at all, but I live with my guardians (my grandparents) and they are a real challenge. They are grieving like I in their own way but its a bit destructive, then again, there isn't any right or wrong way to grieve. You see, we have unresolved issues, and I cant continue my healing path unless we have family therapy which they don't want to, and as a result, I can only go so far with my process until its essential to have it with them. I am already having therapy and doing wellness activities but having family therapy is the thing which at least for me will help me dramatically. They don't like talking about my mother's death and they are of the generation which is supposed to suck it up and deal with their emotions themselves with no help as it is apparently a sign of weakness to them though they know full well that they need it, or so it seems like they know. My grandfather has been abusive to me in the past, and is an arrogant misogynistic man who prides himself of his own aggressive behaviour like its some badge, and my grandmother has unresolved things from the past which are coming back to haunt her in her mind, and is tightly grabbing onto her faith, that it will sort it all out. I am of faith and I am not one to decide what she should and should not do, but it seems like she is lost and without her faith, her identity, she will lose her mind. 

They are argumentative people and they are getting old, their hearts can't take much of it clearly, and whatever I do which suggests anything of therapy to them for them my grandfather blows a fuse and creates all this negative energy in the home resulting in my grandmother getting stress which isn't healthy for both of them. I am fortunate that I don't have to worry about money like some do, but this is a totally mind-boggling situation. I need to get better, and that will only happen with them going to therapy, they don't want to go, it may be good for them and help them, they don't want to, they don't improve, I improve slower until a certain point.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and a brief look on my journey. I feel like I have to juggle so many things and have to be of some help to my grandparents as I try to get them to go to family therapy while I still have to deal with my memories and PTSD and look after myself. I know it will get better, but it's very difficult. That feeling when your whole world is just turned upside down is so surreal to me. I felt numb, sick, calm, distressed, extremely tired, ravished and thirsty and that fight-flight feeling was there as well while I was still in shock. All those endorphins which were running through my body was ridiculous. 

This took a lot of courage to write and I just felt that I needed to rant as its just so difficult to deal with it feeling alone. Some things may not make sense, but to be honest all of which has happened does not make sense, and I just wish I could reverse time and not have to look over my shoulder.

I dont know what to do, or how to handle them. My grandfather is a control freak and my grandmother ignores it, t seems like she denies it, and views him like some sort of prince. 

Oh and do you know I am still a minor?

 

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Louis,

I’m sitting here trying to find words. You have written SO many things I feel, felt, have gone through. I have to tell you that you are an amazing individual. Wise beyond your years. I don’t expect that will give you any solace, but I have to say it to you. I hate that anyone would have to go through what you have, but knowing you are a minor hurts my heart for you. It is unfair and I wish more support for you. For you to have someone come into your life and help you with your heavy load. I have no idea why we are the chosen ones that have it all on our shoulders. Why in fight or flight that we are able to (unlike others), tell and guide professionals and adults older than us what to do in the heart wrenching emergency hell we experienced. I have PTSD from my brothers death in November and from my moms death last month. After going over everything in my mind over and over again, I am starting to accept that it couldn’t have been different, or that it simply wasn’t different in the way it all played out. And so torturing myself about it will inky keep me down. I told myself it ok to think about that for a while to process what happened, but at a certain point, I have to surrender to it and continue to work on accepting it and trying to help others by sharing my story incase they are in the middle of theirs and can change their outcome from knowing mine. It has angered me, hurt me, made me sad, confused and wanting to have choice words with medical professionals and my oldest brother and dad who left it all on me. But I haven’t. I feel my feelings, write them down, talk about them in therapy. And since no one else will go with me to therapy (that would help us all), I am learning to be my own anchor. It will take time and a lot of re-wiring my brain, but we are young and deserve a shot at a different life and way to cope with the struggles in front of us. My family is also old school and they are unwilling to budge. But the more change that happens in me, the better my reactions, or better yet...non-reactions... go when I am being attacked with others emotions and misdirected anger, I walk away if I’m not getting through to them. I stand up for myself, say the way they’re speaking to me is unacceptable (I say it calmy) and then walk away. Your grandparents sound like the relationship my mom and dad had. It’s not our jobs to mediate. Growing up I constantly was “taking the temperature in the room”. Meaning, who’s upset, why are they upset and what can i do to get my dad less angry and take the focus off of my mom. I constantly adjusted myself to appease others. It took me years of cognitive behavioral therapy to stop putting up with it and letting it drive me crazy. It’s back now though with my mom being gone and I too think...what am i going to do? How will I handle this...I don’t have an answer in that for you, but want you to know I feel it too. Your feelings are so valid and warranted. Lastly, I can say, that three times now, I have witnessed the moments before and after death of two of my brothers and my mothers lifeless body. Identifying all three of them (seeing what you described) and signing the paperwork, planning the funerals and having the circling traumatic thoughts. EMDR and CBT therapy are what have helped me the most. Doing them for years. If you have that resource to see a professional for it (whether or not your grandparents go) continue to do so. I am telling you this so that you know someone else out there (me), did the unthinkable in regard to being able to quiet my mind and stop it from constantly torturing me about seeing them after they died and my mom grabbing and shouting my name while she was in her last hours. It is possible. Keep doing what you’re doing. I am in awe of what you’ve done so far.

Love and light to you friend. We are here thinking about you.

Nicole

 

[Louis]

Hi Nicole,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, after I shared mine I felt a sense of relief as none of my family members really understand, but also that is understandable as they have their own story of what happened and how they felt about things back then. I am still trying to fathom what I did and how I felt. Even though I didn't do particularly much when directing the professional in the room technically, the feelings were there. All the way.

I felt something new when I was in that moment and it is kind of hard to describe, but without a second to think, I just rushed into the situation, my body moved on its own in attempt to do something. I was concerned that I would cause more damage to her but even so, it moved on its own again and again and again. Once I got to grips I directed the nurse and that is where you can see above the rest of the story. I remember not having any control, just going right in to help. To be honest I never thought I would have that in me and that's one of the things which surprises me the most.

The issue is with me is that I never stop, and this is the case with my grandparents. I have trouble accepting that they might never change even though that future of them actually changing is just out of reach. I feel with just a bit more encouragement, or anything, absolutely anything, it can be done. That future is so close and is possible, and even probable if I just do something. I notice while I write that I feel responsible for them and that I feel that they have to have me to change as individuals. I feel that if I don't do something, they'll never change and will have quite the few regrets when their time runs dry from my observation. I want to try my utmost best with them so I don't feel responsible if they do have any unresolved issues before they die a when I knew that I could have done something.

It is when I have done all I could I will decide to accept and let go, or else I'll probably feel like I couldn't live with myself, but then again, who knows? As I write I am trying to figure out myself at the core what the issue is. At times, I don't even know what is wrong with myself. I guess this feeling of responsibility, to mediate, is just part of who I am. I want to be of service to other people in any way that I can at this point with the amount of power I have, and I am trying my utmost best to do just that, help them on their journey in any shape or form.

I have a therapist as of this moment and I have tried EMDR and it has worked wonders, and I am glad that I now don't feel alone after reading your story, I haven't felt truly understood until now, so, from the bottom of my heart, I sincerely thank you for your kind words and sharing your story once again.

Louis

[Louis]

Hi,

Now, later, on this journey, after my mother has died, it has seemed that the shock, the shock which has lasted for a year and 3/4 is now slowly coming to an end, and with this, my PTSD from these very moments is now coming out, slowly, in full colors. Very slowly. 

Now, as I have said, I dont have any parents, though I do have my grandparents. I have successfully been able to take them to family therapy, which is needed, and is needed continuosly as it seems. I thought it was going well, until, I am stuck at my next predicament.

This is to do with my grandparents again. They are 3 generations apart from me, my grandfather being 4 generations apart. Taking them to family therapy and al is great but I dont know what to talk about with them. I had a thought, wondering what to discuss, and later, through all the frustration, through al the anger, realized many things. Naively, i thought family therapy would solve everything, and of course, it has a big role in my family's case, but there is still needed effort by myself and my grandparents.

My grandfather is 80, he is arrogant, a hypocrite, and to me, a very nasty man. He hurt me quite a bit when I was younger (as it was usual in his time) painting this picture in my head like he is some monster, every time he starts shouting, I get anxious, physically stressed, and the symptoms of PTSD start up again. This very thing is continuous. He does have good things to him, like when he actually Understands where I am coming from when not many people do, which is rare but nice, but my anxiety from his actions form the past always come back.

My grandmother, until a recent conversation which lasted for a good few hours i think, was in denial about my grandfather's behavior. As I have been talking to my individual therapist, it is clear that from her always giving my grandfather the benefit of the doubt as an example, there is evidence to suggest that she is in denial about his behavior. I,  reluctantly, tried to help her understand how I was feeling, and how difficult a situation, where the environment triggers the feelings, triggering flashbacks etc all the time, which seems like it went through, though on the way, I think I have may hurt her as she burst out in anger. I feel really bad about this, but I hope she understands now ,after  countless months of basically telling the same story time and time again. 

I am still trying to work my way through these situations one by one. I never knew how much bereavement could bring along. All these things, these situations are foreign. I was shielded from all of these, and then, just thrown like being thrown into the deep end of a pool right when you have been very comfortable in the shallow end, just learning how to swim. 

 

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Yes, we are learning to swim and fast! I feel overwhelmed a lot. I get triggered by my relatives actions, reactions, their denial and their general lack of not being in touch with the reality of what is actually happening. I’m learning I have to help myself first to help them. Putting on my breathing mask first (so to speak, like they tell you when you’re in an airplane in case of emergency). I am the one in the family with everything on my shoulders. I have always felt the enormous sense of responsibility ever since I was a child. It’s my nature and the role that I guess I fell into growing up. I’m finally accepting it and feel like I am undertstanding it is probably my purpose in life to be the caregiver for everyone. I know that because I’m the most informed and the one who’s done the most therapy that I can’t just walk away. I wouldn’t walk away. I love them all too much, even with the hurt that I experience with them. But if I can just plant seeds if change, or give hope, or love to them than I consider that a great achievment. At the same time, I have to keep reminding myself to take breaks from the chaos. The constant tornadoes and let them sometimes figure out and work things out on their own. If we do EVERYTHING for them, than they don’t learn and become totally dependant. I’m working on accepting them for where they are at and who they are. Because like you said above, every genaration is different and has a different way if coping and thinking. I’m gald that tou are taking care of yourself. Thank you for continuing to share. It makes me feel less alone too because I experience so much if what you’ve written. I’m now embarking on a journey that I was thrust into with my uncle just getting diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Since I’ve now gone through 4 cancer battles with my brother, dad, mom and a different uncle...I have been asked to take the lead on figuring out the choices and treatment for this uncle. He is a second dad to me and I feel that I have to for him to have a chance at making it through this. I’m exhausted, but holding onto hope and telling myself, I can do this. He can do this. I think finally some family members are recognizing my worth and I am gaining the respect and having less push back from family. I no longer debate with them when they want to bicker or make me a target for their grief. I disengage. I seprate myself and compartmentalize to stay sane and not go down the rabbit hole with them. Sending you warm thoughts and wishes for a peaceful holiday. This is a hard time for so many of us.

Hugs, Nicole