Husband passed

[Manzanopeek]

May 22,2018 husband passed. 57 years together and then it stops. Knew he was going to die as he had cancer and was on hospice. Did not take treatment because he was 80 and it would have made what life he had miserable.Even though you just can not be prepared for this. Doesn't matter if you knew it was coming. It was like somebody pulled the rug out from under you. Shocking to say the least. It will be three months in a week. A lot of things have changed.I was 18 years old when I first got with my husband. I am 75 years old and the first time I slet by myself. That was a hard one. I am a very laid back person so I take things a little different that other people. Nothing can prepare you for this. I( found out it is called WIDOWS BRAIN. What a concept but it sure explains a lot.It was so devastating to deal with everything. Made me so mad  it was like the world wanted to erase him. Credit cards,account etc. I was supposed to take his name off of the truck. It says [or} between our names so I am not changing it. I am still tying up loose ends. I ran the household so I am blessed that I don't have trouble dealing with that. The net is a great place for information but there is not much help if you have cancer and you want no treatment. Went to 3 oncologists. We discovered they don't know anything about cancer. I have read 2 great helpful books. One is called " When Husbands Die" and the other is More Beautiful Than Before: How Suffering Transforms Us. Both of these have been a big help in planning my new life and what to expect. Everyone is different so grieving is with you. You can act or react. You do have to make a choice on whether you chose to be happy or not. I will be 76 next month. I am on oxygen full time but I still will get through this and come out on the other side a complete person maybe just a little different than what I used to be.

[KayC]

You have learned quite a lot in your three months since.  Widow's brain or grief fog, as I've heard it called, it makes clarity of mind elusive, difficult.  It takes time to get any semblance of that back.  Funny we get stuck with it just as we're called upon to handle so many details!  We also had our vehicles in both names, $90 to transfer into my own name.  

Yes, suffering does transform us.  And yes happiness is a choice, I know some don't like that statement, and I get that, especially when you just lost your spouse and nothing in the world seems very happy right now, but I chose to look for good no matter how small, it wasn't my idea, it's like God put a refrigerator magnet into my path on day 11 of my journey, it said, "Find Joy in Every Day" and I bought it and have it up still.  At first it was challenging to find anything good, but I learned nothing was too trivial to count.  My big joy, George, was gone, but I could find little joys in life and I learned to embrace them.  Seeing a rainbow, a deer in the yard, a puppy's breath, a kitten's meow, a phone call from my sister, a stranger letting me merge in traffic, some of these were the things that counted.  I learned that just the practice of acknowledging those joys transformed me into one who LOOKED for good in life, it made for a more positive focus, I needed that.

Anticipatory grief is different from sudden death that you don't expect, but you are right, nothing prepares us fully for the finality of death.  Not being able to talk over your day with that person, feeling cut adrift...

Our culture, our society doesn't do a very good job of dealing with death, it's common, it happens every day, it's a normal part of the life cycle, but it doesn't feel common or normal to us!   People in our society don't know how to respond to grief, they often avoid it, turn away from us when we need them the most.  It's a double whammy!  Grief can rewrite our address book, but hold on, we make new friends, we find we are not alone in this, there are others going through this also.  It's a different world it seems.

I'm sorry for your loss, that you are learning to make your way through this without your husband here with you...I don't think of them as entirely gone, they've gone to what is next for them, we'll be with them again, but for now when I talk to him, there is no answer back.  In the beginning of our relationship we started on faith, we were writing letters, we'd often have to wait a week to get a response, and during that week when we needed clarification, we learned to continue in faith in the other person...now it's like that again only instead of waiting a week, it's much longer...

[Sunflower2]

16 hours ago, Manzanopeek said:

May 22,2018 husband passed. 57 years together and then it stops. Knew he was going to die as he had cancer and was on hospice. Did not take treatment because he was 80 and it would have made what life he had miserable.Even though you just can not be prepared for this. Doesn't matter if you knew it was coming. It was like somebody pulled the rug out from under you. Shocking to say the least. It will be three months in a week. A lot of things have changed.I was 18 years old when I first got with my husband. I am 75 years old and the first time I slet by myself. That was a hard one. I am a very laid back person so I take things a little different that other people. Nothing can prepare you for this. I( found out it is called WIDOWS BRAIN. What a concept but it sure explains a lot.It was so devastating to deal with everything. Made me so mad  it was like the world wanted to erase him. Credit cards,account etc. I was supposed to take his name off of the truck. It says [or} between our names so I am not changing it. I am still tying up loose ends. I ran the household so I am blessed that I don't have trouble dealing with that. The net is a great place for information but there is not much help if you have cancer and you want no treatment. Went to 3 oncologists. We discovered they don't know anything about cancer. I have read 2 great helpful books. One is called " When Husbands Die" and the other is More Beautiful Than Before: How Suffering Transforms Us. Both of these have been a big help in planning my new life and what to expect. Everyone is different so grieving is with you. You can act or react. You do have to make a choice on whether you chose to be happy or not. I will be 76 next month. I am on oxygen full time but I still will get through this and come out on the other side a complete person maybe just a little different than what I used to be.

@Manzanopeek your post was inspiring!!!  You are inspiring! Thank you for the book share. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Lost6263]

On 8/12/2018 at 2:33 PM, Manzanopeek said:

May 22,2018 husband passed. 57 years together and then it stops. Knew he was going to die as he had cancer and was on hospice. Did not take treatment because he was 80 and it would have made what life he had miserable.Even though you just can not be prepared for this. Doesn't matter if you knew it was coming. It was like somebody pulled the rug out from under you. Shocking to say the least. It will be three months in a week. A lot of things have changed.I was 18 years old when I first got with my husband. I am 75 years old and the first time I slet by myself. That was a hard one. I am a very laid back person so I take things a little different that other people. Nothing can prepare you for this. I( found out it is called WIDOWS BRAIN. What a concept but it sure explains a lot.It was so devastating to deal with everything. Made me so mad  it was like the world wanted to erase him. Credit cards,account etc. I was supposed to take his name off of the truck. It says [or} between our names so I am not changing it. I am still tying up loose ends. I ran the household so I am blessed that I don't have trouble dealing with that. The net is a great place for information but there is not much help if you have cancer and you want no treatment. Went to 3 oncologists. We discovered they don't know anything about cancer. I have read 2 great helpful books. One is called " When Husbands Die" and the other is More Beautiful Than Before: How Suffering Transforms Us. Both of these have been a big help in planning my new life and what to expect. Everyone is different so grieving is with you. You can act or react. You do have to make a choice on whether you chose to be happy or not. I will be 76 next month. I am on oxygen full time but I still will get through this and come out on the other side a complete person maybe just a little different than what I used to be.

I am so sorry for your loss. I was with my husband almost 11 years and I am lost without him. I hope to have your outlook one day. It's been 6 months and most the time it still feels like yesterday.