My Boyfriend passed away.

[Dachelle]

On the morning of July 28th I left my boyfriends house not knowing I’d see him again. Later that afternoon after calling and texting him and no answer I knew something was wrong. He just went missing. After everyone calling around looking for him, etc. I started to crumble, because I just knew something was severely wrong and couldn’t fathom it could’ve been him. The next morning I got a call from his mother saying he’s in the hospital and had been in an accident. I was happy to know he was found, but angry he was in a hospital all night by himself. No love or support surrounding him. No one thought to send police to his house or notify anyone until the next morning?

Nonetheless, He was walking down the street and a lady who had been texting and driving as well as had liquor in her system ran the stop sign, hit a truck, her car flipped and hit my baby throwing him a half a block. I couldn’t believe it. I thought, okay maybe he can make it out of this. I know he’s a fighter, he got this! Unfortunately, July 30th the doctors took us in a conference room telling us he was completely brain dead & there was nothing left that they could do. Worse day of my life, it feels like. Not my love, my heart, my future. 

To this day I can’t believe he’s gone. I know it’s only been two weeks, but it’s feeling like forever already. Not sure how to deal with this type of hurt, this type of grief. He had so many people in his life from friends & family, but for me he was one of the few I had. We had our ups and downs, but the past few months have been our best. We had gotten over our really rough patch. I moved away 4 months ago to help my mom transition to living in another state because she has 4 autoimmune diseases and almost died last year. After moving to a different state, warmer climate, with our entire family I knew she was okay. I moved back to Chicago where my job, boyfriend is. I was only back two weeks and then this happened. I feel like I didn’t get enough time. We didn’t get to do half of the things we had planned for the next couple months, this year alone. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I just feel so lost and lonely without him. His voice, his hugs, his encouragement and support like no other, our talks & advice. I love him so much & I can’t let him go. I sit in his room just waiting for him to come lay down and hold me. This is a strange place to be emotionally. How has anyone overcame this? It just all seems so unbearable. 

[KayC]

Dachelle,

I am so sorry.  There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better...there is nothing but trying to get through this, it's too incomprehensible to take in, let alone accept.  I know, I've lived the same trauma.  Different cause, different date, different details, but the end result is the same, I lost my husband, my whole life, my everything.

For me it has been 13 years, it doesn't seem possible.  I remember the day, every detail, my thoughts, my panic and fear, everything.  And afterwards...I didn't see how I could survive a day without him, a week, let alone the rest of my life.  I want to share with you an article I wrote about what I've learned along the way that has helped me survive.  It's too much for you to take in right now, the words would be a blur, but I hope you will print it out and read it ever so often as different things will speak to you at different points along your journey.  It's too much to get at once.  The greatest help at this point of my journey was to take a day at a time.  The second was to look for good in each day, to focus on it no matter how small, and embrace it.  That was life changing and saving for me.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Dachelle]

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

you

Thank you so much! I appreciate the advice, kind words, & your prayers. I’m taking it all in. 

[KayC]

Dachelle,

I hope you will read through some of the recent threads here that are still active, it helps to know you're not alone in what you are feeling and going through.  This is a long journey, it helps to have others to walk through it with us.  You're going to make it through this, I know it doesn't FEEL possible right now, but one day at a time...just do today, then get up and do it all over again, it's how we get through this.  Give your body the chance to adjust to all of the changes this means for your life, it takes quite a while.  I think of it quite like brain trauma, we wouldn't expect one having gone through severe brain trauma to get up and go to work like nothing happened, neither should anyone expect that of us.  It's a process, all of this.  In the beginning we're in shock, then we move into grief fog, where focus is difficult at best, where we don't have clarity of mind, our brain is sluggish, it's hard to function, then little by little we begin to adjust and hone our coping skills, and somehow survive even this, the unthinkable.  We'll be here with you as you go through this journey if you want us to.

[Dachelle]

KayC,

I truly appreciate your encouragement & advice. I’m definitely taking it in and trying to cope. Every day is a different journey for me at this point. I’m literally on a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Life is still going on, the world is still moving & I feel stuck! I’m trying, but it’s a struggle. I’m an expert at hiding to the point that I can hide from myself. I feel the pain I’ve tucked away to get through day by day, & I don’t quite know how I’m really feeling. I just know it’s all there & to address it is releasing something that I don’t know  what would come with it. Hopefully this is making sense.

[KayC]

Sometimes I don't realize I'm holding my breath until I release it.  Grief can feel like that sometimes.