How do I help my son grieve as I struggle myself

[Missing papa]

My son is 9 yrs old.and this poor bot has already known sickness and loss way to much. He lost his grandma at 4, watched his dad battle cancer and almost die at 7 and now.ay 9 jas lost his bestest friend in the world. His papa..my father. He has moments where he is okay but when he is not he is heartbroken. Bawling, cant look at his pictures. I find him crying in bed. In his sleep.  I am so broken myself and seeing his pain makes me even more destroyed inside. I want to take the pain away. Make it better. I just dont know how. He loved him and as they say "the deeper the love, the deeper the hurt" Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear Missing Papa,

First, I am so sorry for your loss. That is deep heartache. I know first hand “The deeper the love, the deeper the loss”. I just lost my mother a few weeks ago and am reeling from it and feel like a child right now myself. It’s more than difficult to find our way or know what to do in times like this. A friend gave me a book called “Tear Soup” and it’s meant for kids, but also translates to adults. It obviously won’t take away all the hurt or grief, but it’s a short, easy read to help have a small road map for what we experience. I have experienced and watched my nephews lose their dad when they were 2 and 4yrs old. They’ve also just lost my mom and my other brother this year. They were close with all of them. What I did with my nephews (because I took care of them and still do at times) was made sure I continued to talk and communicate with them about loss. Letting them know that although it may be confusing and there will be sadness, that there will be happiness again too. I have said we will cry, but also choose to celebrate their dad, my mother and my brother. More than that, I made sure we have and continue to take actions to honor and memorialize their dad and our other loved ones. Kids do better sometimes with actions instead of just talk. By planting a garden and placing a stone with a message, taking them fishing at my brothers favorite spot, cooking grandma’s favorite meals with them helping mix ingredients and saying she would be proud of you! Building fires, roasting marshmellows and telling stories about how much he/ they loved them (with specific memories in there) and all the great moments they shared. Asking them what their favorites are and asking what they think their dad or my mom would feel about things they are accomplishing. When I do these things, I do so in a  joyous way (even though as an adult I feel the heavy emotions). I do it with calm because I believe we as adults, show them how to handle grief by the way that we handle it. They need to feel safe and have a sense of routine and rituals. Outlets for their grief with physical activity, drawing, and getting outside in nature is also a good one. Him writing a letter to his papa and you doing your own is a good idea. You can place them in a memorial box or take a mason jar and plant it. There are lanterns you can write on, light and send up into the sky at sunset. We wrote letters attached to string and did a balloon release. I take them to as many national and state parks as I can. We have to show them all the beauty this world holds and let them know that “we” aren’t going anywhere. Tell him that. YOU aren’t going anywhere. I let them know it’s ok to cry and that I always be there to help them and give them a little space if needed too. Affection is great medicine for you and him. Kids are more resilient than we think and if things are handled well with as many resources as possible in the beginning of this, he will then have less sadness and depression as an adult over it. He will have good relationships and a base to go from the next time he loses another person he loves. We had my nephews see a kids grief counselor in the beginning and it was good because that was an outlet where they could speak freely and do other exercises with the counselor to learn coping and self soothing. Sometimes they don’t share everything with us because they feel our pain and hurt and try to instinctively protect us. Kids counselors are very good at not making things not seem like clinical therapy. I hope one of these suggestions will help. Take good care of yourself. Talk to your friends and others parents. You need help too. Don’t be afraid to take the things offered by friends.

Hugs and prayers, Nicole

[Missing papa]

Thank you so much Nicole. These are great options and things I will be trying. My son has gone through loss when we lost my mom 5 years ago. But at 4 he dealt with it differently. This time he is 9 and knows the real of it. I just want to take away his hurt. And when I think he must be hurting like me it kills me. Your right, "the deeper the love, the deeper the hurt". AMD oh did we love that crazy pain in the butt man. I'm so sorry for your loss and your nephews. My heart goes out to you all.