My 38 years old boyfriend died suddenly

[Alice9114]

Me and my boyfriend were cycling home from a party drunk, he passed a red light and got hit by a car. I saw the accident, screamed at people around to call an ambulance and immediately went to him. I didn't even think to check his pulse, I just panicked a touched his back. I'll never forget the noise he made while on the floor.  A man came and told me to stay away from him, cause I would stress him out and make the situation worse. I agreed and stayed back, until he gave me a sign saying that he would be ok. I got so relieved, believed him and even took both our bikes to lock them.

Next think I know, people from the ambulance are doing CPR on him. I panicked, started screaming and tried to go over him, but got dragged away by people on the scene. I struggled but eventually gave in, and I let them sit me down in a nearby building staircase. We waited for ages, police came to get my statement, I begged them to tell me if they know if he would be ok but they couldn't tell me.

After an hour, they finally took him to the hospital, and a police car took me and a friend who happened to be passing by to the hospital. Then it was more waiting. After I don't know how long, a group of doctors came into the waiting room and asked other people to leave. I immediately thought they would tell me was dead, but they said he wasn't, but that his heart stopped for an hour on the scene of accident, and they needed to see a neurologist to check the state of his brain. After a few hours, they came back and told us he wouldn't wake up, that it was most likely a fatal brain injury.

My world fell apart. I couldn't believe that he could die over such a silly mistake. A decision that was probably made in only half a second in his brain. They let us see him, I first saw his hand and couldn't go further. Eventually I looked up to his face. Apart from the breathing tube in his mouth, he looked normal. Just a black eye. They then told us to wait in the meeting room until they would move him to a different bed in the intensive care unit. 

The next morning, I came back and saw him with some of our friends. The doctors basically had to try everything they could do to prove his brain wasn't dead, but realistically we were just waiting for him to die. 

It was 5 days later that they could officially tell us that he was brain dead, and legally that means someone is dead. We talked about organ donating, and decided with his sisters that he would want to do that. He gave everything but be lungs and bowels, as they had been damaged in the accident. 

I asked to be there when they removed the breathing tube and let him die, so they said they would call me before the operation, but that it would most likely be in the middle of the night. 

They called me at 3.30am the next day, and me and two close friends went to the hospital. We sat by his bedside, waiting for the organ donating team to be ready to take him, and it was only at 5am that they took him away.

I went into the anaesthesia room with the doctors and a nurse, and held his hand while they removed his breathing tube. It was trumatising, his mouth was open, because of having the breathing tube in for so long, and one of his eyes was half open, showing something that did not look like his eye. I thought it would be a peaceful thing, and that he would draw a last breath and go. But no, his heart took about 5 min or longer to finally stop. I could see the numbers dropping slowly on the machine, until it went down to 40, then it went straight to 0. Just before his heart stopped, he started moving, and having spasms. I looked at the nurse in panicked way, and she said that it was normal. Just a few seconds after he died, his skin started becoming blue, and he looked dead very quickly. This has been hunting me. I kissed him on his cold forehead one last time and told him I loved him.

We had the funeral yesterday, which I organised, a full month after he died. It was a painfully long wait, and I hated the idea of him being in a cold mortuary for so long. 

His sisters and I decided to have him cremated, and I know his body has now been burned to ashes, and this horrifies me.

I cannot accept the idea that the person the closest to me, the person I loved the most in the whole world, has simply vanished. I wish I believed there was something after death, as this would make it easier, but I simply don't. 

I feel like my life is over, it's especially hard now that the funeral is over, I have nothing else to look forward to. Nothing brings me some kind of peace but alcohol. I know I will have to stop eventually, but right now it's simply the only thing I have. I'm terrified of death, even more ever since the accident, so i dont want to kill myself, but I also do not want to live.

I feel stuck in my own head, in a loop going from being ok to being devasted, over and over again. I have been voluntarily hurting myself, by drinking, smoking, taking drugs, cycling drunk, and cutting myself. I know they are very irresponsible and selfish things to do, but I cannot help myself. I've lost the love of my life.

[Jamiei]

Alice I am so sorry for your loss and all the pain you are going through! I’m 6 months into this horrible grieving process and it is a long hard road! There’s been several times I didn’t think I’d make it through the day, but you do! Reading your story brought back memories to me. Dewayne and I live on a bike path and we use to go for bike rides at night, usually stopping for beers on the way home!! Thinking we were being responsible biking and not driving! Never once did I think about biking and drinking, I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I also went through a stage where drinking made it seem easier but in reality it doesn’t!! I could see the concern in my kids eyes! Again I’m so sorry if you need to talk I’m here!

[Miye]

I wish you didn't have to go trhu all this pain... I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm no one to tell you what to do but please try to stop hurting yourself. please...Grief is enough on it's own. 

Having hope helps, it really makes it easier...  give it a try 

Though pain is with us all the time... there is still peace, and beauty in life.

I hope I didn't bother you, As I have said I don't have the right words and every grief is different but I share your pain

[KayC]

Alice,

Listening to you tell your story, it reminds all of us of our own stories, the story of the end of life as we knew it, the end of our getting to hold and touch them.  I'm sorry you don't have belief in something after, it helps me so much, it is hope in the middle of the anguish.  I think of death as a transition, I know we are energy and energy doesn't die, it merely changes form, so what that looks like for us may seem different to one than another, but that it isn't the end and that I can be with him again is what keeps me going.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it is great and the hardest thing in the world, my heart goes out to you.  The gift he gave to so many others with his organ donation is priceless, I just wish it could be of comfort to you but alas I realize it's little consolation because you are left without the one you love by your side.  

I can relate to what Miye said, none of us have the right words, none of us can fix this, but I do hope it helps you knowing others that have been through this loss are hear listening to you and care, it's all we have to give.