5 stages of grief

[taledo329]

When the palliative doctor told me my mother was terminal on Wednesday 11/17/10 that I just realized was exactly 8 months after her oncologist told us it was stage IV I did what I was suppoed to do. I picked out a funeral home, wrote her obituary and got the number for a probate lawyer. That Saturday I went to our library and went right to the shelf that I had glanced at many times before.

I picked up The Orphaned Adult, Loss of a parent and a few others and started preparing myself. When I went to visit mom later that day I was reading one of the books while holding her hand hoping that she felt I was there with her.

My brother and his wife came up to visit about 9pm and even though I had decided to stay I changed my mind and left with them about 9:40 telling my mom that I would be by to see her tomorrow and kissing her goodbye.

I was reading the freaking book at 11:40pm when I got the call she had passed away and when we were standing over her body 1/2 later the same body I had kissed on the forehead 2 hours ago I was numb. I packed her stuff and left in less than 15 minutes as I did not want the hospice nurses to try and comfort me if I did break down. I didn't want anyone to touch me and still don't.

I kept busy for the next week and had it in the back of my mind that she was gone but did not fully process it until Sunday 11/28/10. It was just like the other times we took her to the hospital. She will stay a week they will give her antibiotics, make her better and we can bring her home. DENIAL

When I woke up on Sunday 11/28/10 it hit me like a ton of bricks that she was gone and I started crying but not too loud. I didn't want to have my rother and his wife hear and try to console. I did not want to be touched. It hurts too much. I was supposed to go back to work 11/29/10 but called out and spent the morning in bed crying as loud as i wanted. I was alone in the house except for the pets. DEPRESSION

So many times I screamed for whoever took her from me to give her back, to take my instead, let me have one more day to apologize for hollering at her to tell her I love her. Just one more day. Just one more hour. Please!!! BARGAINING

Going through her room the week after she passed I found papers from when she had cancer in 2006. There was a malignant tumor in her right lung and the took it out. She didn't need chemo or radiation and I am thinking if she had quit smoking for good back then that I would have my mom with me. WHY didn't she stop? WHY didn't the doctor tell us that doing radiation on her lungs for 6 weeks would give the cancer a chance to go back to her brain and spread elsewhere in her body? WHY didn't this DAMN cancer that they allegedly got out of her body in 2006 lay dormant for 4 years and then take her so quick? ANGER

I ACCEPT that she is gone. I ACCEPT that is better for her to be at peace instead of in pain. I ACCEPT that she heard my apology the last day I had with her and knew that I loved her very much.

It doesn't take away the pain or the desire to have her arms around me once more or the repulsion I feel when anyone touches me. I can only do what everyone else who loses a loved one does. Take one day at a time.

[ModKonnie]

When the palliative doctor told me my mother was terminal on Wednesday 11/17/10 that I just realized was exactly 8 months after her oncologist told us it was stage IV I did what I was suppoed to do. I picked out a funeral home, wrote her obituary and got the number for a probate lawyer. That Saturday I went to our library and went right to the shelf that I had glanced at many times before.

I picked up The Orphaned Adult, Loss of a parent and a few others and started preparing myself. When I went to visit mom later that day I was reading one of the books while holding her hand hoping that she felt I was there with her.

My brother and his wife came up to visit about 9pm and even though I had decided to stay I changed my mind and left with them about 9:40 telling my mom that I would be by to see her tomorrow and kissing her goodbye.

I was reading the freaking book at 11:40pm when I got the call she had passed away and when we were standing over her body 1/2 later the same body I had kissed on the forehead 2 hours ago I was numb. I packed her stuff and left in less than 15 minutes as I did not want the hospice nurses to try and comfort me if I did break down. I didn't want anyone to touch me and still don't.

I kept busy for the next week and had it in the back of my mind that she was gone but did not fully process it until Sunday 11/28/10. It was just like the other times we took her to the hospital. She will stay a week they will give her antibiotics, make her better and we can bring her home. DENIAL

When I woke up on Sunday 11/28/10 it hit me like a ton of bricks that she was gone and I started crying but not too loud. I didn't want to have my rother and his wife hear and try to console. I did not want to be touched. It hurts too much. I was supposed to go back to work 11/29/10 but called out and spent the morning in bed crying as loud as i wanted. I was alone in the house except for the pets. DEPRESSION

So many times I screamed for whoever took her from me to give her back, to take my instead, let me have one more day to apologize for hollering at her to tell her I love her. Just one more day. Just one more hour. Please!!! BARGAINING

Going through her room the week after she passed I found papers from when she had cancer in 2006. There was a malignant tumor in her right lung and the took it out. She didn't need chemo or radiation and I am thinking if she had quit smoking for good back then that I would have my mom with me. WHY didn't she stop? WHY didn't the doctor tell us that doing radiation on her lungs for 6 weeks would give the cancer a chance to go back to her brain and spread elsewhere in her body? WHY didn't this DAMN cancer that they allegedly got out of her body in 2006 lay dormant for 4 years and then take her so quick? ANGER

I ACCEPT that she is gone. I ACCEPT that is better for her to be at peace instead of in pain. I ACCEPT that she heard my apology the last day I had with her and knew that I loved her very much.

It doesn't take away the pain or the desire to have her arms around me once more or the repulsion I feel when anyone touches me. I can only do what everyone else who loses a loved one does. Take one day at a time.

You are right. You are doing exactly what everyone does--take it a little at a time, and keep moving forward despite the pain and heartache.

ModKonnie