Two Months Now

[Alyssa]

It’s been two months now since I lost my mother to Ovarian cancer. She was absolutely my best friend and guiding light in life. Without her I’m not too positive what to do with myself or my life. My brother’s seem to be moving on, my dad seems to be getting better, I don’t understand why I can’t. Or I guess rather I don’t understand how they can so quickly. I’m moving in a couple of months. I was just upstairs packing some of mine and her things. I found a necklace she had given me a few years back and just started sobbing. This week has been one of the hardest for me emotionally in awhile. Last night I was going through some of her leggings and just cried uncontrollably almost the entire time. I don’t know what to do with my days, I can’t call her when I wake up and see what she’s doing with her day. Often, I’ll think of a question and I’ll almost call her until I realize I can’t. I want to send her pictures of things, and last night I just wanted to be in her arms and feel one of her tight, warm, loving hugs. What I would give to get one of those hugs just one last time. 

[reader]

Dear Alyssa,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can hear how much you love and miss your beloved mom. The first year of grief is very raw. Please know we all grieve differently. I too found that my siblings and others around me had moved on more quickly than I did. I was still very upset and crying a lot for the first year.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. And if you want to always know there is help in the community and through church. It never hurts to talk to a grief counsellor or consider joining a support group.

Take care of yourself the best you can. We are with you.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Alyssa,

I feel everything you have expressed. I’m so sad for your loss. My mom died three weeks ago to colon cancer metasis and her secondary cancer liver site was what ended her life. She was my everything. I never left her side. I am lost. I’m surrounded by all her things, I'm in her house, seeing all the beauty she created. It’s more than harc to be here without her. She was sweet, kind, gentle, funny empathetic. My adventure partner, my confidant, my best friend. I was so blessed that she was my mother and she was pure, unconditional love that no one can replace. My heart goes out to you. I cry uncontrollably too. And other times I look around and feel her presence with me. When she was dying, I told her our souls will never be separated and you and your moms won’t be either. I know that doesn’t help with the yearning for her love, touch, voice and physical presence; but I want you to know I feel the same way and that you are exactly where you need to be in your grief process. I am trying my hardest not to compare where I’m at in my grief to my brothers lack kf emotion, or others that loved her...although I have to admit it’s confusing to see how I am and they are and why their reactions are different than mine. And how they are just going about life like it didn’t happen. That’s inly my perception though and doesn’t make it a fact for them. It doesn’t make any of us wrong, the grief process is so individual and although they may look like they’re ok, I’m sure there’s a lot more inside they they aren’t expressing outwardly. Continue to honor your mother by feeling all of your feelings. By going through the memories of what you shared with her as you sort through her things and cherish them. You two were blessed to be so close and share so much. Hugs for your heartache. Prayers for strength and courage. I know that you will transform this loss and radiate the love she gave to you with others. That’s my plan. To live like my mom and love like her too. 

Warmest regards,

Nicole