I finally went to visit my dad

[ashleybaraga]

(sorry for all of this being a lot of rambling and it is so unorganized)

I lost my dad on December 7, 2016 and it still feels weird to say that. I can not believe it has been this long without seeing my dad. Yesterday I finally felt ready to go to my dad's gravesite. Every time I would leave the house I would end up passing his cemetery each time I was in the car with someone. I would always get super silent and each person I would be in the car with would have no clue that he was there. I finally felt ready after a long time to visit him. I cried the whole time I was there. I just felt so much release and happiness. I tried telling him things that I would tell him on a regular basis. I miss him more and more every day.

I still remember the week leading up to his day of passing and the day after. I remember getting into a fight with his mom the one day and my mom and I going to look at the pet shelter to add another addition to our family. Surprisingly my dad was up to the idea, my mom and I was so surprised. That night my dad was going to take us to Steak n' Shake and my mom did not feel good but ended up going. I remember saying my 'I love you' and I remember my mom saying "things are finally going well for us". Then I started not feeling good at all so I stayed home and I went into my parent's bed and watched Netflix. I just had a bad feeling. I then got a call from my brother with sirens in the background of my brother saying our dad is not waking up and they can not find his pulse. I remember my mom getting on the phone and saying it would be okay.

That whole week I had finals and I finally called my mom on the 7th while I was at school. I remember her saying to just wait until I get home and I refused and I ended up getting told he was gone and I fell to the ground in tears. I just felt so hopeless that day. I remember having my last final/project the next day and my professor said it would be ok to not attend. but I did. I still went. I remember driving and it started to snow and it just felt like it was a sign from my dad.

Earlier this year my brother tried overdosing on pills but thankfully he woke up. My mom went through an ugly phase and just would date every man. She says that she did it because she just wanted to be loved again like the love my father gave her. we actually moved into the one guy's house she dated and it was terrible. now she is finally on her own but she has met a wonderful man. he has not given me a reason to not like him. 

I still wish he was here. 

He knew he was going to die soon and I knew it too. I started telling everyone in my house I loved them more after I started getting a voice saying he would die soon. and he did. I remember being on the bus the one time and I was daydreaming of me being the girl with a dead father. 

thankfully things have gotten easier. I have been able to cope better.

[reader]

Dear Ashley,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved father is one of the hardest moments in life. The pain and sorrow is so raw.

Keep taking it moment by moment. Please know we are with you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[ashleybaraga]

13 hours ago, reader said:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved father is one of the hardest moments in life. The pain and sorrow is so raw.

Keep taking it moment by moment. Please know we are with you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

Thank-you so much for your kind words. I appreciate you!