Just had world war 3 with my mother- in law

[Lost6263]

Well everyone told me it would happen eventually. I was talking to her on the phone and she started bad mouthing her son, I told her to stop doing that because he isn't here to defend himself. She told me i don't know anything and she is just stating facts. Then goes on to tell me how I'm just a child who needs to grow up. And then continues to bad mouth my husband. Only to then start calling me every name in the book and how if he had to choose between me and her he would always pick her. She tells me my family is ridiculous ( they have been by her side and helped her so much) and my mother she put herself in her shoes and see how it feels. Then continues to say mean things about my mother. I told her enough, she kept telling me I know nothing, she knows everything. I have done EVERYTHING she has asked for since he passed, and it's still never enough. She is literally making me sick to my stomach and stressing me so bad I can't focus on anything. Im just curious if anyone on here has issues with there in laws and how you handle it??

[Spengler]

I, too, have had issues with relations and my reaction was to cut off all contact with them. Permanently. That's a bit drastic, but under the circumstances, justified. I won't go into details.

 

What I suggest, Lost, is that you give the poor woman the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's distraught over the loss of her son. But, that doesn't mean you have to put up with any abuse from her. You can outright tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and as a result you find yourself unable to communicate with her. Or just not pick up any phone calls from her and if she rings your doorbell tell her you have an appointment and were just on your way out.

 

If you give it 6 months or a year or two, you may be able to salvage the relationship with her, if she manages to calm down and apologize. But, it's not likely.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

Well everyone told me it would happen eventually. I was talking to her on the phone and she started bad mouthing her son, I told her to stop doing that because he isn't here to defend himself. She told me i don't know anything and she is just stating facts. Then goes on to tell me how I'm just a child who needs to grow up. And then continues to bad mouth my husband. Only to then start calling me every name in the book and how if he had to choose between me and her he would always pick her. She tells me my family is ridiculous ( they have been by her side and helped her so much) and my mother she put herself in her shoes and see how it feels. Then continues to say mean things about my mother. I told her enough, she kept telling me I know nothing, she knows everything. I have done EVERYTHING she has asked for since he passed, and it's still never enough. She is literally making me sick to my stomach and stressing me so bad I can't focus on anything. Im just curious if anyone on here has issues with there in laws and how you handle it??

Yes, I think I already told you about it.  My husband was wonderful to his father, even though his dad didn't support his 11 kids growing up, they moved continually, and his dad was a violent alcoholic.  George used to drive two hours to his house just to play cribbage with him.  

When George died, his dad refused to come to his funeral, even though he was offered a ride with his kids (BTW, only three siblings attended even though he had nine siblings alive, eight within driving distance).  I didn't hear from his dad until a year later, he called me, badmouthing George.  I reminded him of all the things George had done for him, been there for him and I told him I didn't want to hear him badmouthing him any more, to call when he had something positive to say.  He never called back.  A few years later I found out he'd died and no one had contacted me.  I was pretty much cut off from his family after his funeral, with the exception of his two kids that live across the US, I see them on FB only.

Some people are toxic.  You don't need that right now especially.  My best advice is go no contact with her.  You don't need or deserve this and your husband would be appalled if he knew how she was treating you.  I wouldn't put up with her disrespecting my mom either!

You can always tell her to call back when she has something positive to say.  I would tell her I won't stand for your badmouthing my husband, my family, or me.  Hang up.  Ball's in her court.

[Lost6263]

7 hours ago, Spengler said:

I, too, have had issues with relations and my reaction was to cut off all contact with them. Permanently. That's a bit drastic, but under the circumstances, justified. I won't go into details.

 

What I suggest, Lost, is that you give the poor woman the benefit of the doubt and assume that she's distraught over the loss of her son. But, that doesn't mean you have to put up with any abuse from her. You can outright tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and as a result you find yourself unable to communicate with her. Or just not pick up any phone calls from her and if she rings your doorbell tell her you have an appointment and were just on your way out.

 

If you give it 6 months or a year or two, you may be able to salvage the relationship with her, if she manages to calm down and apologize. But, it's not likely.

Thank you for the advice. Sadly she was like this to him his whole life. I was always the one telling him you can't get so frustrated with her she is still your mom. Boy I was wrong. I hope down the road we can have some sort of relationship but I'm not sure. She said too many things this time about my family that's unforgiveable.  It's sad she has so much hate and anger in her. Life is too short.

[Lost6263]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, I think I already told you about it.  My husband was wonderful to his father, even though his dad didn't support his 11 kids growing up, they moved continually, and his dad was a violent alcoholic.  George used to drive two hours to his house just to play cribbage with him.  

When George died, his dad refused to come to his funeral, even though he was offered a ride with his kids (BTW, only three siblings attended even though he had nine siblings alive, eight within driving distance).  I didn't hear from his dad until a year later, he called me, badmouthing George.  I reminded him of all the things George had done for him, been there for him and I told him I didn't want to hear him badmouthing him any more, to call when he had something positive to say.  He never called back.  A few years later I found out he'd died and no one had contacted me.  I was pretty much cut off from his family after his funeral, with the exception of his two kids that live across the US, I see them on FB only.

Some people are toxic.  You don't need that right now especially.  My best advice is go no contact with her.  You don't need or deserve this and your husband would be appalled if he knew how she was treating you.  I wouldn't put up with her disrespecting my mom either!

You can always tell her to call back when she has something positive to say.  I would tell her I won't stand for your badmouthing my husband, my family, or me.  Hang up.  Ball's in her court.

 Thank you. I did tell her I won't stand for her bad mouthing my husband, me, or my family. She doesn't listen, she lives in an alternate reality in her head. 

[KayC]

I had a mom that was mentally ill.  My siblings and I went through a lot with her, but I learned how important it was to set boundaries and stick by them.  I couldn't control what she said or did, only how I chose to respond.  It was definitely a challenge, I loved my mom, I understood that her mental state was beyond her control, although it was easy to react to rather than always remember that.  It was hard because I had over 60 years dealing with it.  Oddly enough, when she got dementia, she became easier to be around as she seemed to forget her imagined wrongs (she had extreme paranoia as well as many other personality disorders) and it made her a gentler kinder person the last couple of years (after reaching stage 4).  Just try to remember you can't change your MIL, you can only decide how much time you'll give to her and what you will and won't listen to.  There were times in my mom's life I could only handle five minutes, other times a few hours, I took my cues from her and how she was behaving at the moment and factored in what I personally could handle at that given point in time when deciding how much time to give her.

Right now it's important to listen to YOUR needs and protect yourself from toxic people.  Be careful how much you expose yourself to.  You're an angel for caring about her, there has to be some special reward for people like you!  But please don't forget to take care of YOU in all of this!  (((hugs)))