New memories

[Just here]

Is it wrong of me to not want to do anything at all? I go to work and come home. I feel like it’s so unfair to my daughter but another part of me feels like I can’t be out in public and I don’t want to make new memories without him. Every time I do something I wish he was here to see or enjoy it with us. I don’t want to meet new people or do new things cause I don’t want to not have my boyfriend not be in those memories. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it wrong to think how long do I have to be here without him? I sometimes wish I was just dreaming or a nitemare and I would wake up in my real life. I pick up my phone a million times a day to FaceTime him or hoping he texted me dinner is ready babe. Is this normal?

[LoveGoli]

13 hours ago, Just here said:

Is it wrong of me to not want to do anything at all? I go to work and come home. I feel like it’s so unfair to my daughter but another part of me feels like I can’t be out in public and I don’t want to make new memories without him. Every time I do something I wish he was here to see or enjoy it with us. I don’t want to meet new people or do new things cause I don’t want to not have my boyfriend not be in those memories. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it wrong to think how long do I have to be here without him? I sometimes wish I was just dreaming or a nitemare and I would wake up in my real life. I pick up my phone a million times a day to FaceTime him or hoping he texted me dinner is ready babe. Is this normal?

From last 13 months , i am doing the same, just go to office and come home. That's all i guess we left with.

[LeannC45]

For the most part I am doing the same thing. I do go on a run every Sunday by myself. I pick a new place and I go run. It clears my mind and gets me moving around. It is hard on my body to keep sitting around every night at home. Tomorrow is seven months since my husband passed away. I feel like going to work and going home is almost all I can handle so that is what I do. For the first several months I kept hurrying home like I would have during my marriage. I use to cook about 4 nights a week and of course there was always some household chores that needed to be done. Now I hardly ever cook and sometimes I realize that I don't have to hurry home because I am by myself for the most part. I live with my son but he is busy living his life so usually he isn't there when I get home from work. I think we all are doing the best we can and we will incorporate more in our lives when we are ready. I occasionally go to lunch with a friend or family and other then that I watch a lot of movies and just stay in my house. I am finding it to be VERY lonely and I am considering some kind of part time job on top of my full time job just to give me something to do. I suffer from anxiety since my husband passed so I am not sure if I will really be able to handle another job but I am thinking about it. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Just here said:

Is it wrong of me to not want to do anything at all? I go to work and come home. I feel like it’s so unfair to my daughter but another part of me feels like I can’t be out in public and I don’t want to make new memories without him. Every time I do something I wish he was here to see or enjoy it with us. I don’t want to meet new people or do new things cause I don’t want to not have my boyfriend not be in those memories. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it wrong to think how long do I have to be here without him? I sometimes wish I was just dreaming or a nitemare and I would wake up in my real life. I pick up my phone a million times a day to FaceTime him or hoping he texted me dinner is ready babe. Is this normal?

It's not "wrong", these are your feelings and you have substantial reason for feeling this way.  When we are grieving, it feels depressive.  Mere pep talk alone doesn't bring us out of it either. Not to say our focus and attitude can't be helpful, sometimes it's not enough in itself, we are going through great trauma and it's very hard to get through.  Give yourself all the time you need, just getting through the day is an accomplishment at this stage.

[Just here]

Thanks guys. I know it’s goong to take time and I appreciate everyone response. Writing them and ready them I somehow feel like it helps me a little bit more which is weird for me because I’m not a person to write things down or talk about my feelings. I guess it helps talking to people going through the same thing and this week I’m really struggling.

[KayC]

In reading your last couple of posts again, I am reminded of this article on the grief process.  I hope it's of help to you, what you are going through is normal in grief.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

[Azipod]

On 8/7/2018 at 6:16 PM, Just here said:

Is it wrong of me to not want to do anything at all? I go to work and come home. I feel like it’s so unfair to my daughter but another part of me feels like I can’t be out in public and I don’t want to make new memories without him. Every time I do something I wish he was here to see or enjoy it with us. I don’t want to meet new people or do new things cause I don’t want to not have my boyfriend not be in those memories. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it wrong to think how long do I have to be here without him? I sometimes wish I was just dreaming or a nitemare and I would wake up in my real life. I pick up my phone a million times a day to FaceTime him or hoping he texted me dinner is ready babe. Is this normal?

OMG!   There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.    At 13-months, this is how I feel exactly.    You sound like you are doing just fine.   This is the life of a widow or widower.   It's all normal (but not OK).   

[Azipod]

On 8/8/2018 at 7:44 AM, LoveGoli said:

From last 13 months , i am doing the same, just go to office and come home. That's all i guess we left with.

LoveGoli -- I miss you.  Sounds like we are both still feeling the same.  It's so nice to see others who who we shared our early days of grief with.. but very painful and disheartening to see that we're all still suffering.    If there was a way to look at our hearts, people will be able to see how beaten, battered, and bruised we are.   It's truly never ending.  Sadly, no one aside from those who are here on this forum will truly understand what we all go through each day.

[LoveGoli]

19 hours ago, Azipod said:

LoveGoli -- I miss you.  Sounds like we are both still feeling the same.  It's so nice to see others who who we shared our early days of grief with.. but very painful and disheartening to see that we're all still suffering.    If there was a way to look at our hearts, people will be able to see how beaten, battered, and bruised we are.   It's truly never ending.  Sadly, no one aside from those who are here on this forum will truly understand what we all go through each day.

Hey Azipod, I miss you too so much.

It's kindda good to hear from you again in a different way of course. I was thinking that you must be busy in work or maybe you found someone special that's why not coming these days.

Life is still **** for me, you say how things going.

[Just here]

I always think nights I miss him more.  It’s been 3 weeks and I’m probably more emotional then I ever have been. I just want to call and talk to him. He always had a way of making everything better by saying the right thing when I was having a bad day. It’s so hard no only did I lose my lover but my best friend too!!! And life just keeps going I still have to work, the bills keep happening even though I only have one income now, and it hasn’t got easier. Sometimes I just want to run away or wish I would wake up and this was all a nightmare. I sometimes think my life got ripped away and I’m in someone else’s life. This it’s mine!! Not how it was suppose to be. We were so excited to move to a different country together and to get married (something I never thought I would do till I met Ed). It’s like I finally was whole and really happy for the first time and how is it fair all of it is gone?

[LoveGoli]

7 hours ago, Just here said:

I always think nights I miss him more.  It’s been 3 weeks and I’m probably more emotional then I ever have been. I just want to call and talk to him. He always had a way of making everything better by saying the right thing when I was having a bad day. It’s so hard no only did I lose my lover but my best friend too!!! And life just keeps going I still have to work, the bills keep happening even though I only have one income now, and it hasn’t got easier. Sometimes I just want to run away or wish I would wake up and this was all a nightmare. I sometimes think my life got ripped away and I’m in someone else’s life. This it’s mine!! Not how it was suppose to be. We were so excited to move to a different country together and to get married (something I never thought I would do till I met Ed). It’s like I finally was whole and really happy for the first time and how is it fair all of it is gone?

Night time more tough to spend, in my earlier days morning time was more tough for me. The shock was so hard to digest that he is gone and its true, I took good 2-3 minutes to understand what is going on and what is reality. Later on night time was tough and its still tough. Sometime i want to hug him, cuddle with him but its all dream now and reality still hard to digest.

[KayC]

There were times I'd want to get on a bus that would take me to anywhere USA.  But I know there is no running away from this, it's there facing us, and we have to do the day whether we want to or not.  I was one of those that had no money, there was no life insurance, only bills, and they poured in by the tons...our income just cut in half.  I can tell you that I don't know how I made it through, but I did, and never missed a meal or was late making a payment.  I remortgaged my house to pay off his medical bills and later found out that I wouldn't have been responsible for them in my state, go figure.  I'll be paying on this place until I'm 80 now.  Oh well, it is what it is.  Before you do anything like I did, check with the laws in your state, I was still in grief fog, the hospital hounding me with usury interest and phone calls, putting pressure on.  It hadn't occurred to me I wouldn't have to pay them.

Nights and weekends was the hardest for me too, work kept me occupied in the daytime, my coworkers and boss were so supportive, but a few months later even my job ended as it was the beginning of the recession and the business didn't survive it.

You're here with us, all of us going through this together, there's always someone here listening or will be shortly, just know you aren't alone, we get it, we understand, we care.

[Sunflower2]

On ‎8‎/‎9‎/‎2018 at 2:38 PM, Azipod said:

It's so nice to see others who who we shared our early days of grief with.. but very painful and disheartening to see that we're all still suffering.    If there was a way to look at our hearts, people will be able to see how beaten, battered, and bruised we are.   It's truly never ending.  Sadly, no one aside from those who are here on this forum will truly understand what we all go through each day.

I really try to stay in the moment but ….life without him is totally painful.  I don't know what I expected with the first anniversary. September 24th.  I thought I'd  feel "better?" Feel "normal" again?  I'm not sure losing my mom within 10 months of losing him set me back?  No answers.  I do have lighter days where I feel good but then the darkness and the void hits!!!!   Maybe today is just a bad day.  Maybe I just need to say I miss him so so much.  I miss them both.  There's a difference in the grief....I may not be making sense but today, this moment, I cant imagine life without him!  I simply miss him in so many ways!  Just miss everything...even our fun mindless chatter...that trust that closeness that intimacy that was there for 35 years.  Even being independent doesn't make this easier!!!  we were separate entities but together.  That oneness.  

[KayC]

Sunflower,

I really have nothing to say, except I relate to your words, they describe what we all feel, our everyday existence.  And Azipod too, yet the bruising and battering inside...it seems invisible to those who don't get it, but to those of us going through it, it's like we have xray vision inside of others, we can see the bruising and beating.  Kindred spirits.  Weird how we can be all around the world, never physically meeting each other, yet we "get it", we feel each other's pain, we relate.

[Sunflower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Sunflower,

I really have nothing to say, except I relate to your words, they describe what we all feel, our everyday existence.  And Azipod too, yet the bruising and battering inside...it seems invisible to those who don't get it, but to those of us going through it, it's like we have xray vision inside of others, we can see the bruising and beating.  Kindred spirits.  Weird how we can be all around the world, never physically meeting each other, yet we "get it", we feel each other's pain, we relate.

sometimes there are no words. thank you.  just an acknowledgment of the pain and the internal "battering" can keep us that are on this journey from sinking,

[Azipod]

Today, Monday, is a bad day.   I stayed home and did not go to work.  I just feel numb, sad, along with a big void.

At year #2, things still suck.    

I don't know what's worse....   Going through grief while being in shock and denial, or going through grief when you're completely sane to the point where you can truly understand the magnitude of the loss and what it really means.   

Before, it's just about making it through each day.    Now, it's about how to live the rest of my life without her.

How terrible!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Azipod said:

Before, it's just about making it through each day.    Now, it's about how to live the rest of my life without her.

For sure.  I've been through the former, now am living the latter.  I hope your day is better today than yesterday was.

[Sunflower2]

19 hours ago, Azipod said:

Today, Monday, is a bad day.   I stayed home and did not go to work.  I just feel numb, sad, along with a big void.

At year #2, things still suck.    

I don't know what's worse....   Going through grief while being in shock and denial, or going through grief when you're completely sane to the point where you can truly understand the magnitude of the loss and what it really means.   

Before, it's just about making it through each day.    Now, it's about how to live the rest of my life without her.

How terrible!

there isn't much I can add because it is the same realization of where I am today...in the beginning is the numbness and our focus is just getting though a moment. Now it is the realization that my life is without him. With that comes the feeling of a different deeper feeling of loss and loneliness.  at times, for me feelngs of hopelessness.  The big void...I actually visualized the open wound in my core/in my soul.  There is healing around the edges but the center of the wound is still raw, open and vulnerable. That visual woke me up from a sound sleep. It was powerful.  That wound is going to take so much time to heal. 

I have to be more creative in planning not a day but this new life. Now I simply visualize blueprints that are quickly set aside.

today I wrote…"the world I knew no longer exists.  that's pure pain!  I want to go back into the life I had with you! To the world I knew with you.  I know there is no way out only a way forward. My other available choice is to stand still and die.  I know this is my world now...this is what my life is like.  I have to begin to create a new relationship with the love I loss in your new form and a new relationship with me "  "I begged him to stay with me in whatever form he is in as I walked through this because I cant make it without him."....just a small share of my journal entry,  In the end we do make it without them,  We survive.

Remember we have lost a part of us!!!  We are functioning in a broken mode ...until we understand this new presence of the person we lost.  I'm not there yet which is why the "magnitude of this loss and what it really means"  is as overwhelming as the initial shock .  The numbness has worn off so we are feeling its magnitude in a different way,  Maybe this is what they refer to as he beginning of acceptance. 

even though we know a  bad moment and a bad day will pass we still have to walk through it, home from work is your way of working through your grief. It is good Azipod!!!!!!!   

For those behind me in this journey and those ahead of me " today I realized the reality of the mask needed when out of my grief safe space"  In the real world its not ok to not be ok. I wont dismiss my grief!!!  If asked I do say it is hard and it is the worse place I've ever been but I'm inching forward with the pain.  Its necessary for me to speak.   if I get an acknowledgment that "it must be hard" that is all I need to hear. To me they acknowledged my pain! It wasn't diminished.

the therapist shared this:  the world becomes a crazy quilt that I'm in and I have to piece this crazy quilt together with myself in it.

My world with Wayne was not a crazy quilt. 

For all those struggling through this grief....sometimes there are no words.  We are a bird flying with one wing while the other wing is healing. 

We are all going to move through this.

 

 

 

[KayC]

George is still part of my world even though he's not here to answer when I talk to him and I can no longer cuddle with him or talk over my day with him, he can no longer hold me.  But he's still very much a part of my life.  I don't know if that makes any sense or not.  Crazy quilt...crazy life.  We do incorporate them into our existence in a new way, we don't completely just let go of them.  I find strength and courage and comfort in knowing his love is still with me.  We are not creating new memories at the moment, but I try to include him in the new experiences I go through...I tell him about our grandchildren he hasn't met...does he see them?  So many questions unanswered.  I take it on faith.  I will be with him again!  What that will look like I don't know.  How our relationship and interactions will change I don't know.  The important thing is, I know our love still exists, and so does he...somewhere out there.

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

The important thing is, I know our love still exists, and so does he...somewhere out there.

This actually made me smile through tears...."somewhere out there" and in our spirit I would like to believe.