Did you obsess over the last moments?

[Whispering Willow]

I am still finding myself obsessing over my husband's last moments. When I try to put it out of my mind, a new reminder comes. Like a medical bill or something else that relates to his death. My husband died about 7 weeks ago. It was sudden and unexpected. I have been told it was a complete blockage of of the widow maker. My husband worked out and although we didn't eat the greatest, he had energy and was extremely active. He had a very physical job, golfed in a league twice a week and worked out 5 days a week. I opted not to do an autopsy as it was pretty obvious he passed from a heart attack but now I keep thinking of what I may have missed. Did I make a mistake not getting an autopsy? My sister is a nurse and she tries to reassure me that even if I had gotten one, they may not be able to fully explain what the blockage was. My sister n law thinks maybe a large piece of plaque broke off during his workout. Then I have read a blood clot could cause it. Then the most common that he simply had a blockage that build up and took his life. I guess I keep trying to seek answers.

I am trying to not obsess over the timeline and when I start to not do it, another reminder shows up. I received the ambulance bill a few days ago. The time stamp of when they were called was later than I had thought. I burst into tears thinking about how long he laid in the parking lot before someone saw him. My son tried to reassure me it couldn't have been long because when he went to get my husband's truck, it had been parked right by the door. My sister said 20 minutes is about average if someone had found him, tried to figure out what was happening, ran inside to call or ask for help and time it takes for the rescue to show up. It's just that 20 minutes could have saved his life. The time the Dr. called me and the time on the death certificate seemed off to me. I think it was off by an hour. None of it really makes a difference but what breaks my heart is how scared he must have been. How he was alone and from what the nurse and Dr. said to me, all he kept saying to them was how worried he was for me. He must have known he wasn't going to make it. He had some serious health scares in his life and the pain he was feeling must have been so great that he knew. I still have his clothes and shoes in the hospital bag they gave me. 

I couldn't sleep the other night and I looked at his apple watch. I couldn't help myself and looked at his heart rate that day and the time it all happened. It broke my heart see the major dip in his heart rate. I asked my sister and she confirmed with that low of a heart rate he would have become extremely dizzy and would pass out or fall. She understands me and knows I want answers but she says it is just something that happened. I know its not healthy to start obsessing over all of this and just when I was getting over the ambulance bill, I received one portion of the medical bill from the ER visit today. They did try to get a cath going which I knew the Dr. said they were going to try it but apparently they did get it inserted but he was no longer responsive. 

Do you come to a point where you stop thinking about it so much? 

[KayC]

I think in the early months especially we do go over and over that final day, final moments, it replays in our mind.  It's good when it stops coming so frequently as it's really hard to take.  It's something we will never forget, but it does help when the triggers become less frequent...mail can be one, phone calls for him another.  In time that slows down to rare.

[Miye]

I am very sorry for your loss. Not having answers, and not being able to say goodbye is a pain I share with you.  First weeks I spent all my time online searching for answers on what went wrong and checking his symptoms all over. It was completely unexpected and the only thing I know is his  heart stopped. .. And so did the best half of my life.

I do think I have to stop thinking about it so much  sometimes...Pain is not bottomless...I feel I could have reached death or madness. .. My kids don't deserve to lose their mom as well.  I try to have hope but Today is a bad day for me,missing him so bad and wishing with all my heart I had done things different and may be he'd be here.

I Pray for strength and peace of mind for you and all  of us here

 

 

 

[Just here]

I understand exactly what you are going through. My boyfriend passed away a couple weeks ago. I obsessed over the last week of his life thinking if I could of done anything different. I replay the last conversation in my head. I think if I was there could I have saved him? We did do an autopsy and right now waiting on the results of an 8 to 10 week one cause it came back inconclusive  cause the autopsy showed nothing. So even if you would of you might have got the same answers or none at all. I truly believe if it’s your time to go nothing can stop it but with that said I still question everything. I hope this helps but just know there are people going through the same thing and understand exactly what you are going through.

[Miye]

@Just here I'm sorry for your pain, and your loss.

Thank you so much for sharing, It did help... I really appreciate it

 

 

[BetsyD]

14 hours ago, Miye said:

First weeks I spent all my time online searching for answers on what went wrong and checking his symptoms all over. It was completely unexpected

@Miyeand @Whispering Willow  I get it. Completely. We had no idea AT ALL until it was too late that Tom had liver cancer. There was nothing they could do. Hospice had all of a week with him. That morning, they came to check on him, told me they would be back in a couple of days unless I needed them first. I went to the living room, heard him cry out and went into the bedroom. He was gone. I was hysterical. I replay those few minutes over and over but they only salvation I have about not being with him at that minute is that he didn't want me to be there. He was protecting me. He was protecting our kids who were due to arrive at the house several hours later. He didn't want them to see him that way either. 

I have told the kids that as hard as it is, and although I, myself, have spent countless hours looking to see why his illness wasn't detected, what could have caused it, etc. etc. etc. etc....that it would eat us up alive and that it would not bring him back. So, I have decided to stop seeking answers because even if I found them, it would just feed the anger that already exists. And that won't help any of us deal with the loss and the grief.

14 hours ago, Miye said:

My kids don't deserve to lose their mom as well.

The first thing my children asked me when they had regained their composure a little after their dad died was..."Mom, you aren't going anywhere, are you?" I promised them I would take care of myself for them and in Tom's honor and memory. I have to be both parents and both grandparents now and that "assignment" helps me a bit in staying focused and in dealing with things. I cry every day. I miss him more and more every day. And the kids know that. But they also count on me and I can't let them, or my Tom, down. 

[Miye]

@BetsyD  Being honest i still have a little hope that i can find out more of what happened since  one of our closest friends is a Doctor who is friends with the Doctors whom treated him....I saw him that terrible morning and since then It's like he's avoiding me. I told his wife I just wanted to talk. I can't believe he hasn't had time in more than five months. May be it's just as you said, It would just feed the anger.

I can just imagine how painful it must have been for you. I have no doubt he was trying to protect you.

I wish i was by my husband's  side when he left but may be I wasn't strong enough to stay here watching him go.

We're blessed we have our children to fight for. 

 

[Lost6263]

On 8/6/2018 at 11:14 PM, Whispering Willow said:

I am still finding myself obsessing over my husband's last moments. When I try to put it out of my mind, a new reminder comes. Like a medical bill or something else that relates to his death. My husband died about 7 weeks ago. It was sudden and unexpected. I have been told it was a complete blockage of of the widow maker. My husband worked out and although we didn't eat the greatest, he had energy and was extremely active. He had a very physical job, golfed in a league twice a week and worked out 5 days a week. I opted not to do an autopsy as it was pretty obvious he passed from a heart attack but now I keep thinking of what I may have missed. Did I make a mistake not getting an autopsy? My sister is a nurse and she tries to reassure me that even if I had gotten one, they may not be able to fully explain what the blockage was. My sister n law thinks maybe a large piece of plaque broke off during his workout. Then I have read a blood clot could cause it. Then the most common that he simply had a blockage that build up and took his life. I guess I keep trying to seek answers.

I am trying to not obsess over the timeline and when I start to not do it, another reminder shows up. I received the ambulance bill a few days ago. The time stamp of when they were called was later than I had thought. I burst into tears thinking about how long he laid in the parking lot before someone saw him. My son tried to reassure me it couldn't have been long because when he went to get my husband's truck, it had been parked right by the door. My sister said 20 minutes is about average if someone had found him, tried to figure out what was happening, ran inside to call or ask for help and time it takes for the rescue to show up. It's just that 20 minutes could have saved his life. The time the Dr. called me and the time on the death certificate seemed off to me. I think it was off by an hour. None of it really makes a difference but what breaks my heart is how scared he must have been. How he was alone and from what the nurse and Dr. said to me, all he kept saying to them was how worried he was for me. He must have known he wasn't going to make it. He had some serious health scares in his life and the pain he was feeling must have been so great that he knew. I still have his clothes and shoes in the hospital bag they gave me. 

I couldn't sleep the other night and I looked at his apple watch. I couldn't help myself and looked at his heart rate that day and the time it all happened. It broke my heart see the major dip in his heart rate. I asked my sister and she confirmed with that low of a heart rate he would have become extremely dizzy and would pass out or fall. She understands me and knows I want answers but she says it is just something that happened. I know its not healthy to start obsessing over all of this and just when I was getting over the ambulance bill, I received one portion of the medical bill from the ER visit today. They did try to get a cath going which I knew the Dr. said they were going to try it but apparently they did get it inserted but he was no longer responsive. 

Do you come to a point where you stop thinking about it so much? 

So I feel as you do and I obsess over the timeline as well. My husband died of a heart attack almost 6 months ago and I keep going over in my head constantly the timeline and what if that or this..would that have changed the outcome. The only difference is I did want an autopsy but his mother did not. I will be in the grocery store randomly looking at something and that night just flashes in my head, I can't breathe or move. I too was told by multiple people in the medical profession that even if they had done an autopsy most times it's still inconclusive. Doesn't help me from wondering all the time what could have made a difference. My therapist keeps telling me that this is part of our grief and has been trying to teach me ways to refocus my thoughts...sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. The biggest thing for me and I'm sure everyone on here is the not knowing and not having answers. My whole life if I didn't know something I researched and taught myself. But sadly with death we never get the answers we are looking for. Maybe one day when it's our time we will have a better understanding, but until then we have to deal with the not knowing. It hurts, it sucks, and it's hard.....I have no answers for myself or for you, and I am sorry for that. I wish we all had the answers we are looking for. 

[Whispering Willow]

Thank you all for your replies and sharing your stories, grief and concern. I am glad I found this forum especially for these late nights I cant sleep and just need to get these thoughts out of my head. I went back to work this week and everyone said it would help me. Build some normalcy they said, but so far it has intensified my grief because this is my new normal now and I don't like it. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Miye said:

I wish i was by my husband's  side when he left but may be I wasn't strong enough to stay here watching him go.

I've always wished that too.  They threw me out of the ward and locked the door.  I guess they didn't want me to see them using the paddles, etc., whatever they did to try to save him.  But he was transitioning to his next life and we always went through everything together, I wish I could have been there for him as he left...

But perhaps I would have been a distraction.  Perhaps he needed to focus on what was to come.  We had to start learning to make our own way, I guess.  I sure miss that guy.  I hope he knows my heart wanted to be with him.  I wish I could have gone with him.  But someday, someday I'll follow.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Whispering Willow said:

Thank you all for your replies and sharing your stories, grief and concern. I am glad I found this forum especially for these late nights I cant sleep and just need to get these thoughts out of my head. I went back to work this week and everyone said it would help me. Build some normalcy they said, but so far it has intensified my grief because this is my new normal now and I don't like it. 

I'm sorry work doesn't seem to be helping, give it time.  I was so lucky to have such a wonderful boss and coworkers...unfortunately my job ended within months and my next one was not good.  But thankfully when George died, everyone at work was so good to me, very supportive and understanding.  And if nothing else, it killed some time.  Going home was hard, nights and weekends, it was when I went home I most felt his absence, he should have been there with me.

Now I'm used to it.  I no longer expect him to walk in that door or to fix him something to eat or to cuddle on the couch.  It's been years.  He's gone.  I know that.  In a way it's easier than the shock of realizing it afresh every day I wake up.  But on the other hand, it seems a million years since he's been here and I don't like time taking him further away from me.  Or so it seems.  I hang on to all that we had together, our love, our faith in each other, that is still real, that still remains.  Corinthians says, "But the greatest of these is love."  I believe that.

[BetsyD]

20 hours ago, Miye said:

I can't believe he hasn't had time in more than five months.

The only thing I can say is that, for the most part, doctors tend to cover up for other doctors. So it might be that he has nothing to say, it might be that someone didn't do something they they could have and he is avoiding the issue, I don't know. But as I said, it will just eat you up if you let it. I am trying to not let it. I even spoke with Tom's oncologist a couple of weeks ago and she said "someone should have run tests on him years ago" - well, someone didn't and he is gone. I can't Monday morning quarterback. I have to deal with his loss and my loneliness for him every single day for the rest of my life and that in and of itself is overwhelming without the "shoulda/coulda" part of it. JMHO. Sending virtual hugs for peace.

[Azipod]

I'm so sorry about your loss.   For me, at 7-weeks, the grief ride was just getting started.   During this time, all of us will go through own hosts of pain and discomfort.   Some things may appear petty to others while at the same time, seems completely important to us.  I know this doesn't really address your post, but at some point down the line, you will be able to focus more on the loving relationship you have with your husband as oppose as last moments.   Thinking about that fall out will always be painful and disheartening, but you will get to a point where that doesn't matter.   I think that the next process of grief will focus more on the resulting loss than how the loss unfolded... but that is not to say that your feelings are not valid, they indeed are completely.   The grief process is very complex and there are so many layers.  It's almost like peeling back an onion, as soon as you make it through one layer, there is another... and grief is a HUGE onion.   I also feel that we will always be thinking about those who we lost.  The pain will always be there.  But during the earlier months of grief, the "thinking" is more like time is at a standstill and we're in a fog.   Over time, you'll become more functional but rest assured that the thoughts of them will always be there..... every minute.

[KayC]

On 8/9/2018 at 8:17 AM, BetsyD said:

she said "someone should have run tests on him years ago" - well, someone didn't and he is gone.

I went through that too.  He'd voiced the chest pains, ankle pains, heartburn, to his doctor, the doctor did nothing and now he's gone and it's too late.  I did eventually let it go and had to forgive the doctor, it's hard.  I know they're human, but gosh, he should have known.  I guess I just finally realized all the looking back wouldn't change a thing.  I did make and appt. with the doctor and talk to him and asked him not to make the same mistake again on someone else.  He had his family history, he should have known.

[Miye]

@Whispering Willow I really hope you're feeling better, especially at work, I really do

@KayC  and @BetsyD... thank you for your replies and empathy, they are meaningful to me. 

Blessings 

[Whispering Willow]

I just wanted to express my gratitude once again. I haven't been on for a bit as I selfishly didn't want to read anything. I feel such a connection to everyone's stories but then its hard because I feel like Im reliving it. I had a bad dream about my husband last night. I dreamed the Dr. saved him but said the heart attack would happen again. I felt panicked in the dream as I couldn't take the prospect of it happening again. I woke up startled and for a second I wondered if it had been real and then felt sad as I wanted that second chance. Today would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. I have been dreading this day for some time. I suppose the dream was a product of that. To add to all of this, my sister-n-law died suddenly a week ago. My husband and I took a detour from our trip in April to see her as she had recently moved to be closer to her son. We wanted to show support as she had never lived anywhere other than where she grew up. I took a picture of them together and little did I know it would be the last I ever took of them together. My mother-n-law is completely devasted that she lost 2 children within a few months of each other. I have to gear up for another memorial in a couple of weeks. This will be the 4th person I have lost this year. I am now wondering if it will ever stop. 

[KayC]

Whispering Willow, that's hard, I can't imagine losing both children so close together, or even losing one period. It's hard going through our anniversaries without each other.  What should be a happy time, isn't.  How different the day would be if they were here!