So terribly conflicted - don't know what to do. So scared.

[BetsyD]

Needless to say, I am in sheer grief hell much of the time without my beloved Tom. But I am also trying very hard to make him proud of me. We were both native New Yorkers when we met. We got married 12 years after we first met, although we were always with each other, so two months ago would have been our 28th wedding anniversary, although this month marks our fortieth year together. Forty Christmases, forty New Years, forty birthdays. Together through incredible tragedy, loss of parents, car accidents, surgeries, miscarriages, my being a crime victim, you name it - talk about "for better or worse" - But most of all - really for better. There was nothing we couldn't talk about, talk out or talk through. We never went to bed angry. We tried to always have a sense of humor. We balanced and completed each other.

Right before 9/11 we moved from New York to Sarasota, FL. I could no longer take the cold because of a bout with Guillain Barre Syndrome. He said he would move anywhere but Florida. He went for me. Eight years ago we decided to buy an investment property in Tennessee - without too much investigation, unfortunately, about the community. Will explain. In February 2016 we decided to move here. He had spent countless hours renovating and remodeling the house. We moved here, built a barn together for our horse, moved her up a year ago and decided that this wasn't really the place for us. Too rural, too "Red", too far from good doctors, from the airport, from decent groceries. But we were together. One daughter stayed here, the other, who had moved out West four years ago, stayed in Arizona. She had our first grandchild March 4 (in Phoenix) and is hoping to move back to Florida in two years when she finishes her teaching degree and her husband has more seniority with the railways. Daughter who lives here is moving to Arizona next week to help with babysitting. I will be here alone.

So, why is this such a dilemma for me? Why don't I just pack up and move to Arizona? Well, I think I am just plain scared. I am not attached to this house. I have been able to sell many of Tom's tools, to get remaining projects done, to meet with realtors, etc. BUT...I am scared. a 1600 mile trip with three dogs (one very senior, one who doesn't listen AT ALL) and two cats terrifies me. Thinking of how much more expensive it will be to rent a house in Arizona compared to staying in this house scares me. Then, say they move in two years...I go with them????????? I thought about going back to Florida now, and waiting for them, but I cannot afford Sarasota, where I know so many people, and if I go elsewhere in the state I will be, yet again, alone. I work remotely as a grant writer, so location is not an issue for work. And, did I mention, I am 68 years old? Don't know when that happened, don't feel it, but it is the reality.

He wanted me to be with the children and our grandchild. It should be easy for me to say "ok I will move"...but I am scared. I am also scared of another winter in Tennessee. I only have one friend here. Politically, intellectually, I am a fish out of water here. 

Just scared. Thank you for letting me vent. Hugs to you all, and I am sorry each of us has to "meet one another" this way. 

 

[MollieMcDoodlesMom]

Betsy, 

That is indeed scary when you explain it. Moving is a scary endeavor to begin with, but you will for sure be “ putting down roots” in an unfamiliar situation. It can’t be easy to move about with the Guillain Barre Syndrome either, right ? I’m not sure - my niece got that when she was about 5 yrs old and she is still dealing with the affects of it. 

I don’t have anything in the way of wisdom to share. Thank you for letting us know. Perhaps we are really scared about things and we don’t recognize it. Your speaking up will benefit us. 

Sending long distant hugs back your way.

Frances

[Whispering Willow]

Gosh, I completely feel for you! Our situations are similar in so many ways. I had to laugh about the dogs. I have the exact same situation. I'm actually stressing a bit about the older one. Took him to the vet and it was 479.00. This included some shots but he needs expensive meds for his hips. I worry how I am going to be able to keep up the expense and what further care he may need and of course the day he will pass on. He is a large dog and can't get in the car by himself. I have lost my father, mother and husband this year. I dont think I can take anymore loss this year.

I am also analyzing my own situation. Do I stay here? Do I go someplace else? Family expected me to sell the house and move back to my hometown. It's too expensive and I was glad to leave 10 yrs ago. With my parents gone, I really only have my sister there. I keep trying to get her to move here. My son is here with me though. He spent half of his childhood here so he made friends, is attending college and has a girlfriend. He has told me if I wanted to move back "home" he more than likely would stay behind. I worry about how much longer I will need to support him too. I am glad he is in school but he is a bit on the immature side. He didn't take his first semester very seriously. He grew from that but not sure if he grew enough. I was the same way at his age. I didn't know what I wanted to do but I moved out at 18 and worked and went to school. 

I see in another thread you listed your house. From what you have written I can tell you are a very strong person. You will make it work. I think being with your kids will do you wonders. 

[KayC]

Betsy,

Give yourself time, you're still new in this.  I wouldn't make any decisions about moving just yet, the first year is still grief fog, give it time.

[BetsyD]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I wouldn't make any decisions about moving just yet

I understand your advice, but...I really am so very alone in this rural town where I am a fish out of water both intellectually and politically. I have no one here other than a few neighbors who are "keeping an eye on me"...My children and my grandson are in Arizona. I have a three story house and five acres I would have to manage by myself. This is NOT where Tom and I lived for long, raised kids, etc....so even though I am comfortable in the house itself, it is far from doctors, groceries (other than Walmart) and, 1700 miles from my kids. My fear is more the move itself - 1700 miles with three senior dogs and two older cats. I am also being told by my kids, my sister (who is also 1000 miles away) and our best friend that the "village" will help me and the furry ones move. So yes, I am in grief fog, but I am also thinking my fog might clear a little bit, just a little, if I can be with my children and devote time to our little guy. Just thinking...

 

[KayC]

On 8/6/2018 at 3:31 PM, BetsyD said:

Thinking of how much more expensive it will be to rent a house in Arizona compared to staying in this house scares me

Well that is one very real consideration.  But as I read your earlier post it sounded like you're talking yourself out of it, I'm not saying don't move, just take your time making your decision, give it a chance for the dust to settle, this is all still very fresh.  Maybe go for a visit with your family for a while.  I realize you're just thinking out loud.  Just know that you don't have to make a decision today.  If the impulse is pressing in on you more and more then you will know.