Day 14

[Sc39]

It's day 14 in 45 minutes. 14 days of shock, despair, hopelessness, loss. In 45 minutes our daughter will be 8 years old. The unfairness hits me....YOU were supposed to be here to see her blow out her candles, to give her presents. 

I feel fear overshadowing the pain, and i try to analyse it. The fear is of the stretch of lonliness ahead. I have lost my unconditional love, the man who accepted and loved my faults, my best friend. There is now not a single person on earth who wants to see me as happy as you did, who fought to make me so happy. 

I miss the casual conversation that was so imtimate even in its nonchalance. I miss the warmth of your familiar body in bed at night. I miss waking up to see you get dressed for work. I miss hearing you call out to me in the middle of the day. I miss your hand holding mine as you drove. I miss looking into your eyes.  I most of all miss seeing you grab our children in huge hugs that left them giggling and squealing in happiness. 

The house seems empty and even the laughter of the children does not ease the vacuum. I spend my day on the couch, unmoving. I look up endless sites on how to cope, while doing nothing except read and ignore the advice. 

I am afraid to go out because i do not want to see the pity in people's eyes. It will remind me of what pain i have, and although it is with me, it is mine and i am guarding it. I dont want to see the hidden relief in their eyes as well...the "i'm glad it was not me" look....the sudden realisation that their crappy lives are not so bad after all....since a horrible husband in their eyes is still better than a perfect deceased one. 

 

[Nely]

@Sc39, this got me crying and said so much of my beloved husband and my situation as well. I'm so sorry for your loss.

It will be four months for me next week and I tell you that not much has changed other than there are some ok moments. The pain seem to be even deeper for me as reality sets in gradually. It's a hard time and hard journey, I wish this didn't happen. I'm sorry if my words make you feel worse than you already are.

Wish you all the strength you can get.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband 13 years ago.  If I could tell myself...that newly grieving self, something, it would be.

• don't be afraid
• you will adjust, I know it's hard to believe, but you will
• it will take longer than you care to know to process your grief.  Don't worry about how long it takes, you have plenty of time and time has a way of marching on
• he is with you still
• remember you will be together again.  I know it seems like a long wait, but you will make it through this...one day at a time
• embrace the good that exists.  It might be a stretch some days to find anything good, but nothing is too slight, too insignificant to count...look for good, embrace it.  Do not compare it to the good that was before, that's self-defeating
• you will find inner strength you didn't know you had.  
• the finances will work out, you will get by, you will find answers
• you will make new friends in place of the ones who deserted you in your time of need

I didn't know these things in the beginning.  I lost my job three time during the recession.  We were in debt and our income cut in half when he died, I was worried about losing my home.  I got a job two weeks before my unemployment ran out.  Somehow I always made it, have never been homeless or without food.  The third time I lost my job I retired...that week I discovered I needed a new roof and a new ramp.  I had no medical insurance for three months until Obamacare kicked in, I injured my tendons but somehow made it through.  I can't count the times I didn't know how things would work out but somehow they did.  I went through surgery, came home, no one to help me, didn't even know if I could get up from the couch by myself, somehow I did.  I've talked to and thought about George every single day, I love him even more and miss him more than I can say, but I have gotten used to this...I have learned to coexist with my grief.