Starting to Grieve after 17 yrs.

[Michael Mayor]

Hi all, never thought I would be on a forum after 17 years of loosing my child. In 2001 a hospital killed my daughter Jamie. We could never prove it but in my heart i know that's what happened. After 5 attorneys we never got anywhere. Doctors stick together. She was a gorgeous girl and had everything going for her. She was sick with flu like symptoms so her mom took her to the ER. 2 hrs later she was dead. We believe she was over fluided. Pulmanery Adima with fluids. Basicly she drowned. Her mother went into deep depression and was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 2 yrs later. Cancer fed off her depression. She also attempted suicide twice. She fought it for 10 years till eventually it took her life in 2012. All  those years I stood by her side taking her to cancer treatments and dealing with her depression and still trying to hold down a job and pay the bills and also take care of our son who is four years older. In all that time I never had a chance to grieve for my daughter. I Had to work 2 jobs and take care of her mother who had survivors guilt. She got on Drugs and booze to deal with her pain. I have since remarried to a great women but now my grieving is starting up and it's going to ruin our marriage. My wife  keeps asking me to go see somebody and I keep putting it off. I know she doesn't understand even though she has had a tragedy in her life with her father who committed suicide. She try's to talk to me about her grief and I won't listen and I don't know why. Maybe I cannot take anymore or maybe I don't think it's as bad as loosing a child.  I'm just lost right now. I'm going to go see somebody soon.  But I have done that in the past when it first happened and nobody can really understand your pain unless you have been there. All this docs just want to give you drugs.  It's been 17 years since I lost Jamie not a  day goes by I don't think  of her but now it's consuming me and making me irritable and grouchy and unhappy and my wife has just had enough of it and has moved out until I get some help. Maybe forever. Has anybody gone through this or after all the years and still grieving? Someone told me I may have PTSD. Thanks all and God bless all of you that Have lost children.

[Tommy's mum]

michael mayor. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Jamie. The pain from losing a child is forever present inside. It must have been hard to believe that medical negligence caused her death and so frustrating to never have that proved and some accountability taken. Sometimes justice is not given even when it is clear and that makes the grieving process longer. It is not uncommon to have the grief deep frozen for years in an attempt to just get by financially and offer support to other family members especially if you are a man and used to be in the role of family protector. sadly you have witnessed the emotional fallout that can affect some like your wife who tried to cope by self medicating with drugs and alcohol. Your wife is right, it is important to deal with all those unresolved feelings and thoughts and emotions because they are beginning to affect your life with her. you just have to find the right therapist who makes you comfortable expressing yourself. the therapist does not have to have lost a child to help you. both my grief counsellor (who was childless) and my mental health support worker (who had 2 teens) helped me enormously, the work has to come from yourself. Medications can definitely help but are not mandatory. just remember whatever you were doing before has not helped in the long run so it is time to try new things. you deserve to be free from the grip of grieving and the depression that often goes hand in hand with it and have a chance to begin to heal yourself and hopefully the relationship with your wife too. We all meet on the thread loss of an adult child by Mom of Justin, the thread at the top of the page with the most views. It keeps us grieving parents in one place and ensures no one gets missed. please join us there. We have both Moms and dads on the forum.