Today marks six months.. friendship day.. his birthday in three days..

[Love88AJ]

So today marks six months since his passing away to another world, another reality.. today also happens to be friendship day.... He was my best friend before everything else.. I feel a strange sense of strength today.. I feel strong today.. I saw a tiny yellow butterfly flutter towards me and fly away in front of me into the greens..... It was such a beautiful and gratifying sight... I wrote to him in my journal for him.. I love him.. and I wished him a very happy friendship day and that I am sure he has made so many friends in his world! 

8th of August is his first birthday not here (would have turned 28) among the tangible world... I have been fretting about how I will handle it.. but now I realized no day is any less painful... And I will let the moment take me where it feels like.. I gave him a customized lamp with potrait of him playing his guitar, looking so in love with his music and absolutely, mindblowingly beautiful...... This year I want to go to the beach because we always held hands and walked along the shore and he would get so happy when our steps matched.. it felt like watching a very happy, joyful kid who has for one moment, forgotten all other tension in this otherwise hasty world..... I kept falling in love with him in moments like these... I hope, on his birthday, I feel the same kind of strength I am feeling today... Even if not, I will take one moment at a time... LIVE it..... feel it all.....

Happy Friendship Day to you all, my online support system..... I wish you all so much strength and love and peace..... Thank you for everything..... <3

[KayC]

I guess I was lucky in that I didn't have to face his "first birthday not here" until nearly a year after he was gone...his birthday banner was still up when he died.  Very hard.  I find it hard to take that people in their 20s and 30s can be going through this, we didn't meet until our mid 40s and he was barely 51 and I 52 when he died...a shock, totally unexpected, we were supposed to grow old together and now it's just me...alone.

I am very sorry you too are going through this.  It never gets any easier, seeing someone else join our ranks, so hard.  My heart goes out to you, I know there's no fixing this, only learning how to make your way through it.  I'm glad you found this site, it does help to know others understand.

[LeannC45]

5 hours ago, Love88AJ said:

So today marks six months since his passing away to another world, another reality.. today also happens to be friendship day.... He was my best friend before everything else.. I feel a strange sense of strength today.. I feel strong today.. I saw a tiny yellow butterfly flutter towards me and fly away in front of me into the greens..... It was such a beautiful and gratifying sight... I wrote to him in my journal for him.. I love him.. and I wished him a very happy friendship day and that I am sure he has made so many friends in his world! 

8th of August is his first birthday not here (would have turned 28) among the tangible world... I have been fretting about how I will handle it.. but now I realized no day is any less painful... And I will let the moment take me where it feels like.. I gave him a customized lamp with potrait of him playing his guitar, looking so in love with his music and absolutely, mindblowingly beautiful...... This year I want to go to the beach because we always held hands and walked along the shore and he would get so happy when our steps matched.. it felt like watching a very happy, joyful kid who has for one moment, forgotten all other tension in this otherwise hasty world..... I kept falling in love with him in moments like these... I hope, on his birthday, I feel the same kind of strength I am feeling today... Even if not, I will take one moment at a time... LIVE it..... feel it all.....

Happy Friendship Day to you all, my online support system..... I wish you all so much strength and love and peace..... Thank you for everything..... <3

Thank you for this share it is so beautiful. One of my prayers is to find friendship and purpose. I had no idea it is friendship day.

[Jenn4]

My BFs “first” bday just passed on the 3rd. I started the week in a foul mood and knew thought I would be in that same mood the rest of the week. His bday was a Friday and I started the morning up early and in a light mood. Then out of nowhere I was getting ready for work and sat on my bed and cried for half an hour. It literally took my breath away and I ended up staying home until the evening when I had a friend and family with me.

its been a little past 8 months for me since he passed and he was my world. We met when I was 24 and he passed when he was 40. We were together for about 10 years and this man taught me so much. He helped me find my voice because before him I would never stick up for myself or voice my opinions about anything. He always told me that I could do anything and he Too was my best friend.

im so sorry you have to deal with all of this at such a young age. Sending my thoughts and good vibes your way. 

[KayC]

@Jenn4  So hard, I'm sorry.  I'm glad you listened to your needs and stayed home from work and had family and a friend with you that evening.  These days are so hard to get through.  It gets easier eventually but it sure takes a long while.

[Love88AJ]

On 8/5/2018 at 7:34 PM, KayC said:

 

I am very sorry you too are going through this.  It never gets any easier, seeing someone else join our ranks, so hard.  My heart goes out to you, I know there's no fixing this, only learning how to make your way through it.  I'm glad you found this site, it does help to know others understand.

I understand, no matter what age, loss is loss... Pain is pain... I am so glad you are so patient and you keep being there for all of us on the website..... It's truly beautiful...

 

I really am a lot in pain that I am not able to talk to his sister, one of my best friends.... But she told me clearly that it's just that she needs her space to process this... Because the first four months we were each other's support system and she realized we both were not healing and instead getting very dependent on each other..... He was her sole support system for 27 years of her life.... I cannot even imagine what pain she must be going through..... But I miss her... And though I understand the necessity for space, I feel so hurt... I feel like she doesn't need me in her life.... These are all just my assumptions is what I feel..... She has always told me that she doesn't do well without her space ever since we know each other..... And she has been bombarded by so many people to talk to about what happened that now she just wants time to herself... It's been a month and half and I miss her..... I am scared I will lose her too..... 

 

It's the same way I couldn't get to meet my love the last month of his life here because of the breakup and space thing though we still deeply cared for each other..... 

[Love88AJ]

 

On 8/5/2018 at 10:08 PM, LeannC45 said:

On 8/5/2018 at 4:17 PM, Love88AJ said:

 

Thank you for this share it is so beautiful. One of my prayers is to find friendship and purpose. I had no idea it is friendship day.

Some days I feel so strong... And the others, I just have to wait for each excruciating moment to pass..... Tomorrow is his birthday and I am already scared about what I will feel... Though I know there is no use fretting about it..... I saw a yellow butterfly just as small, yesterday too, flutter in front of me..... And he was a guitarist and there is this thing... I travel very often in auto rickshaws and we used to do that very often too.. since his passing away, I have seen at least 40 times, the autos that I have travelled in, a beautiful picture of a guitar.. and all of them different from the other... Yesterday specifically, there was this guitar and and additional Initial "A" beautifully stitched along with it.... That's his initial.. the first alphabet of his name... I have discussed this with many of my friends who travel by the same mode of transport too, but they hardly ever see one is what they say.. I mean the guitar.... 

[Love88AJ]

 

 

15 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

this man taught me so much. He helped me find my voice because before him I would never stick up for myself or voice my opinions about anything. He always told me that I could do anything and he Too was my best friend

I can relate to this so much..... All of it..... He would always say to me that I am no lesser than anybody and should never ever feel that way...

I am so sorry you had to/ have to go through it too..... All we can do is find some peace in moments of strength I guess, no matter how short it lasts... lots of hugs and love to you! 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Love88AJ said:

I really am a lot in pain that I am not able to talk to his sister, one of my best friends.... But she told me clearly that it's just that she needs her space to process this... Because the first four months we were each other's support system and she realized we both were not healing and instead getting very dependent on each other.

Maybe just send her a Thinking of You card and tell her you miss her...it puts the ball in her court.  It's hard for someone to take a space in their relationship/friendship without it doing some damage if it's too long.

[Love88AJ]

6 minutes ago, KayC said:

Maybe just send her a Thinking of You card and tell her you miss her...

I did send her a friendship day message... A personal one.. conveying my love.. no reply... I am so scared... 

 

It's his birthday today .. and it hurts.. 

[Love88AJ]

On 8/8/2018 at 1:53 AM, KayC said:

On 8/7/2018 at 10:57 AM, Love88AJ said:

 

Maybe just send her a Thinking of You card and tell her you miss her...it puts the ball in her court.  It's hard for someone to take a space in their relationship/friendship without it doing some damage if it's too long.

I know I should understand the concept of space but I have a very anxious personality and it is driving me crazy scared..... I have always been scared of losing the ones I love and it happened. And I feel like it's happening again.. I don't want to bother her but how do I tell myself that it's okay.. that it's not done forever.. that once she is healing well enough, she will talk to me again... I miss her and I miss my baby and I miss their dog who is like my own and I haven't gotten to see them in 2 months almost....

[KayC]

That's quite a while for her to take a space.  I can't imagine what is going through her mind.  I know we all handle this differently, but...I haven't seen someone close absent themselves this long.  I don't think you'd be out of line to reach out to her, just be prepared for any kind of response.