Trying to go on

[Keb]

Hello. My name is Joe. I'm 62 years old and lost my wife of 37 years 2 years ago this coming March.

I thought I was doing just fine until I met another woman a few months ago. We have spent a lot of time together recently and I enjoy her company very much. I find it hard to be away from her. She lives quite a distance from me so visiting her is not as frequent as I would like.

Now I'm struggling. Without going into details, we have shared many intimate moments in our budding relationship. At times I find myself thinking of my loss and things change quickly. She is understanding since she is widowed also. I just want to have a normal healthy relationship with this woman and get on with my life without being haunted by my last life.

I hope I'm not being too vague but I am wondering if this is something that is considered a normal reaction.

[ModKonnie]

Hello. My name is Joe. I'm 62 years old and lost my wife of 37 years 2 years ago this coming March.

I thought I was doing just fine until I met another woman a few months ago. We have spent a lot of time together recently and I enjoy her company very much. I find it hard to be away from her. She lives quite a distance from me so visiting her is not as frequent as I would like.

Now I'm struggling. Without going into details, we have shared many intimate moments in our budding relationship. At times I find myself thinking of my loss and things change quickly. She is understanding since she is widowed also. I just want to have a normal healthy relationship with this woman and get on with my life without being haunted by my last life.

I hope I'm not being too vague but I am wondering if this is something that is considered a normal reaction.

Hi Joe,

Are you experiencing feelings of guilt--like you've cheated on your wife or feel guilty because you lived and she didn't? If that's the case, then I think those are perfectly normal feelings. It seems to me it will take time to let go of that feeling of "being married" after you were married for so long. Does that make any sense?

ModKonnie

[Keb]

Hi Joe,

Are you experiencing feelings of guilt--like you've cheated on your wife or feel guilty because you lived and she didn't? If that's the case, then I think those are perfectly normal feelings. It seems to me it will take time to let go of that feeling of "being married" after you were married for so long. Does that make any sense?

ModKonnie

I would say I'm not feeling any guilt. It's just sometimes during intimate moments with someone else I feel the loss. I just want to start living again.

I went through many months of locking myself up in my cabin without any contact to the outside world. Now I have ventured beyond my 4 walls and think I am ready to start another life with someone else. I recognized and have gone through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance) and think I'm beyond the acceptance stage. I just hope I can move ahead without being "haunted" by the memory of the past. It's only some the times of intimacy that trouble me. Being with someone and thinking of someone else. Maybe that acceptance stage is not really there yet. I'm working on it. I want to be healthy.

Am I making any sense?

[ModKonnie]

I would say I'm not feeling any guilt. It's just sometimes during intimate moments with someone else I feel the loss. I just want to start living again.

I went through many months of locking myself up in my cabin without any contact to the outside world. Now I have ventured beyond my 4 walls and think I am ready to start another life with someone else. I recognized and have gone through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance) and think I'm beyond the acceptance stage. I just hope I can move ahead without being "haunted" by the memory of the past. It's only some the times of intimacy that trouble me. Being with someone and thinking of someone else. Maybe that acceptance stage is not really there yet. I'm working on it. I want to be healthy.

Am I making any sense?

You are making perfect sense. I understand the problem, but I think that really this may be simply a matter of needing more time. The longer you are with your new partner, the more memories you will create together, and that should help any awkward or uncomfortable moments. Does that make any sense?

ModKonnie

[Keb]

You are making perfect sense. I understand the problem, but I think that really this may be simply a matter of needing more time. The longer you are with your new partner, the more memories you will create together, and that should help any awkward or uncomfortable moments. Does that make any sense?

ModKonnie

Yes that makes sense. I am going to see her in a week. We are planning spending time together until Christmas which we will spend with our families. I have children & grand children. She doesn't but doesn't want to come to my family gathering. I would like her to. That is a few weeks away any she may change her mind by then. We are also planning a 2 week trip to Fla after the holidays. I am anxious and excited. I hope all goes well.

[ModKonnie]

Yes that makes sense. I am going to see her in a week. We are planning spending time together until Christmas which we will spend with our families. I have children & grand children. She doesn't but doesn't want to come to my family gathering. I would like her to. That is a few weeks away any she may change her mind by then. We are also planning a 2 week trip to Fla after the holidays. I am anxious and excited. I hope all goes well.

Hey, things will go great! You were in a relationship so long prior to this one, you've probably also forgotten all about those quirks and things that have to be ironed out in a new relationship. So, go out and have some fun, and maybe she will come to your family gathering.

Come back as often as you'd like and let us know how you are doing.

ModKonnie

[Keb]

Hey, things will go great! You were in a relationship so long prior to this one, you've probably also forgotten all about those quirks and things that have to be ironed out in a new relationship. So, go out and have some fun, and maybe she will come to your family gathering.

Come back as often as you'd like and let us know how you are doing.

ModKonnie

I am leaving today for her home. We have spent many hours on the phone talking of our feelings and future and we do have one. I am partially closing my cabin down with plans to bring her up here in January and show her my little corner of the world. We've made plans of ice skating on the lake, sitting by the fire, walking in the woods, site seeing, etc. The subject of Christmas has not been discussed. I have told my children I may become more scarce around the holidays and they are totally understanding. My one son lives in Tennessee and the other two live in lower Michigan so, with the economy and all, it looks like a complete family reunion over the holidays won't be happening anyway. They all say they want nothing less than me to be happy and have accepted the fact I am moving on with my life. Of course, they know their mother is irreplaceable and I do too.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

Joe

[ModKonnie]

I am leaving today for her home. We have spent many hours on the phone talking of our feelings and future and we do have one. I am partially closing my cabin down with plans to bring her up here in January and show her my little corner of the world. We've made plans of ice skating on the lake, sitting by the fire, walking in the woods, site seeing, etc. The subject of Christmas has not been discussed. I have told my children I may become more scarce around the holidays and they are totally understanding. My one son lives in Tennessee and the other two live in lower Michigan so, with the economy and all, it looks like a complete family reunion over the holidays won't be happening anyway. They all say they want nothing less than me to be happy and have accepted the fact I am moving on with my life. Of course, they know their mother is irreplaceable and I do too.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.

Joe

Joe,

I wish you the very best. My father died a year ago. My parents were married for 54 years. My mother is trying to move forward with her life, and she is lonely. We (my other siblings and I) have told her we are supportive of her finding someone else. While it will be hard for all of us to ever see her with someone else, she deserves to be happy. We all know she will never replace Dad, and she isn't looking to; she just wants companionship.

Have a great holiday season,

ModKonnie