The feeling of guilt...

[Nely]

And now I find myself going through the internet searching to see if he's sudden slumping and dying at work has anything to do with the hyperthyroidism he was been treated for. I have called on his Dr. For an appointment to discuss but I haven't made any success with that.

But he left for work that morning. I should probably have monitored his health more than worry about the house needs and the child. Now I'm here without him. I probably didn't set my priorities right. I should have bothered more about his health and get him to see another Dr.

It will be four months next week without my darling husband. What do I do? Is this how I will continue in this life?

Oh dear God, I'd probably have been able to handle anything but his death. I can't believe this is happening to us.

Oh dear Swity where are you? I'm so sorry I failed you, I failed us....

[KayC]

We are not responsible for their death.  Not even if we feel we are.  You didn't know, you couldn't know, any more than he did.  He is the one feeling his symptoms and he didn't even know.  I understand your feelings, I felt the same way, asked the same questions, why didn't I force him to see another doctor instead I merely suggested it and left it to him to decide how to handle his health.  If only we'd known .

I find the "if-onlys" are common in grief, our way of trying to find a different outcome.  But there is no outcome than what happened and even had we made them go to another doctor, it could have still ended the same.

This says it well:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[Nely]

Thank you so much @KayC. It's so hard dealing with the guilt. I feel so terrible. Thank you for your encouraging words, they mean so much.

[KayC]

I went through it too, most of us do to some extent or another.