Experiencing the loss of my husband

[Ally_kerry21]

Hello there I’m a young widow who lost my husband last November. He was my everything and everyday I’ve been experiencing emotional pain. I need advice on how to cope better with this. He was only 30 years old when he passed and we used to be high school sweethearts. 

[LJCM]

Hello @Ally_kerry21

I am sorry to hear of your loss and pain. I too find myself a new widow with 2 beautiful children to raise on my own. I have just turned 33. A feeling I never thought would happen to me. Feel free to message me if you need to vent or an ear. 

Stay strong. 

[KayC]

@Ally_kerry21  I am so sorry...I am going through this now with a friend who lost her husband to suicide, his name was Allen, her's Katie, they are both 30.  Happened 13 days ago.

This is what I wrote to share with those newly struggling with grief, what I found has helped me over the years::
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[LoveGoli]

9 hours ago, Ally_kerry21 said:

Hello there I’m a young widow who lost my husband last November. He was my everything and everyday I’ve been experiencing emotional pain. I need advice on how to cope better with this. He was only 30 years old when he passed and we used to be high school sweethearts. 

My husband was 30 year old too when we lost him last year and this emotional pain always with me. Although I managed to fake little but still this **** makes me so miserable. 

[Ally_kerry21]

I’m sorry to hear for your loss too. It’s the most depressing, unbearable pain I’ve ever felt. May god be with you and your family. 

[Sc39]

I an going through this right now...tomorrow will be 2 weeks. I have not been able to function...eat...get off the couch. I live in a nightmare. All the what if's run through my mind....what could or should i have done differently? 

[LoveGoli]

On 8/6/2018 at 7:11 AM, Sc39 said:

I an going through this right now...tomorrow will be 2 weeks. I have not been able to function...eat...get off the couch. I live in a nightmare. All the what if's run through my mind....what could or should i have done differently? 

These if's and but's are like part of our life now. I still think what if we would together, what would be our life , what we would achieve. 

[KayC]

@Ally_kerry21  It's been a week since you posted here, just wondering how you're doing...