mental illness + adopted loss of mother and father

[antimattertek]

This is my first post on this board and i hope this will bring me some therapy that my wife thinks I need. I communicate better when writing than I  do talking, so I figured this sort of thing would be better and we really can't afford to see a therapist.

So I was adopted at birth. I was in an orphanage for a few months after I entered this world by Catholic Charities. I went home to my adopted parents and sister. My sister is 3 years older than me and was also adopted, but by different parents. Her name is C.

I hate to call them my adopted parents, because they really are my parents.

When I was 4, my mother passed from cancer. I just recently was emailed scanned pages of 2 letters my mom wrote to me as she was dying. I have them saved on my computer and read them from time to time. I am including them in my book (I don't know if I will try to get it published - it seems so egotistical to write a book about myself and then have people read it. But i am writing one memory a day every morning during my morning routine.

My father remarried my step mother who had 2 kids from a previous divorce - r - chelle's age and l - my age. It was not too bad, but enough to be noticeable that my step mother treated her biological kids better than Chelle and I. It was an underhanded, secret but very present type of treatment. We had rough times, but my child hood was a good one, for the most part.

I joined the Army after failing out of college due to excessive partying and not working on my education. I was self medicating I came to understand later in life.

So when I was 21 and all kinds of horrible, terrifying and insane years I was suicidal. I got a call from Chelle one night and called my Dad and he took the next flight to get me and we drove my car all the way back to his house. I went straight to the hospital. I was in the psych ward for 10 days while they diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. Everything made sense after that. I went through cycles of being well and then psychotic break to the hospital and back again for years.

About 10 years ago, my father died at 62 of a massive stroke on his birthday. It hit me bad. We were so close - we had worked at the same job for 6 years before I found other employment. We carpooled everyday for the hour drive into work and the hour drive home from work. We spent a lot of time together.

We got in a fight one day and I stopped riding with him for 3 months before we reconciled and started riding together again. I grew up with him coaching all my sports until High School. We were very close. He retired as a full bird colonel in the Army, turning down a promotion to General so that we could stay in one place and have a solid high school experience.

So every time I see something about a father or a lost family member or friend on tv or in a movie, I lose it. It happened again tonight and my wife told me I needed therapy - insisted. So I hope I can work out my issues here.

I don't know what else to say - actually I have a lot more to say, but my night time meds are kicking in and I will start rambling even more than I have here in my first post. I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and see if anyone can relate to my situation.