TIME WARP

[LeannC45]

I have found time so disorienting since my husband passed away. I feel like I haven't seen him in years but of course the pain is as piercing as the day it happened. I find myself wishing that the month would just hurry and be over only to begin another one that I dread for another reason. This first year of first's is like having your heart ripped out over and over again. The reality of every experience devoid of the one I love. I sometimes feel like maybe he was just a dream. How can I have spent almost 18 years with someone and it now feels like no time at all. 

[Michelene]

thank you for bringing this up--sometimes I think I made him up...I feel not tethered to the earth, like I was just plopped down here with no connections...but then everything brings up memories, I mean EVERYTHING...very disorienting, like you say

 

[Tamimi]

I never knew time could be so warped. Days seem to go so slow, yet I can't  believe 5 1/2 months have passed already.  I feel I haven't  seen him for so long but if he walked in the front door right now it would seem totally natural.  Today I was sitting on my patio reflecting on how strange my Saturdays are now.  Some days it's hard to comprehend this is my life now.

[Nely]

2 hours ago, Tamimi said:

...reflecting on how strange my Saturdays are now.  Some days it's hard to comprehend this is my life now.

I completely relate to this. Just learning how to live this new life because I found one purpose_our son. He's my life support.

[Epope]

Same. Somedays I think the last seven years were all in my head. I look in the mirror and I see myself seven years ago, even though inside I feel a million years old. Derek passed on almost two months ago, and sometimes it feels like I've lived an entire lifetime without him. Or other times, it feels as though he's just at work and I'd seen hours before. It's disorienting and heartbreaking. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Michelene said:

sometimes I think I made him up

I remember actually physically looking all over the house and he was not there!  It's a warp that's hard to conceive of if you haven't been through it.  I had to actually go to my files and pull out his birth certificate, our marriage license, his death certificate...yes he really lived and died.  I see the pictures of us together, yes we really were a couple, he really lived with me, he did exist...funny how you can feel like you made it all up when it was real!  It's so hard to reconcile what was with what is now.

17 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

This first year of first's is like having your heart ripped out over and over again.

It is that way for each of us.  It was pretty tough.  Not sure the second year was much better except it was somehow consoling knowing the year of firsts without was done.  I'd lived through them somehow.

[Lost6263]

Friday it will be 6 month since my husband passed away and time seems so strange to me too. Some moments it seems to be going so fast and others I'm at a stand still. Michelene saidit perfect...I don't feel tethered to earth. I feel like this is someone else's reality. We all go day in and day out with our partner...waking up next to them...brushing our teeth side by side...etc. I find myself not being able to brush my teeth wvithout picturing him next to me. I don't go to the same grocery store because I go right to the foods he liked. I sit on the patio with our dogs and just look up in the sky...day and night for hours wondering when I will see him again. I deleted my fb account because seeing everyone else's timelines of enjoying life...enjoying family.....just hurts. i always thought before I had a good grasp on life.....now I know nothing and hate this reality. 

[KayC]

We do what we have to do for ourselves, even if it means going to a different store, brushing your teeth at the kitchen sink, and cutting out FB.  Those are some of the habits we change because they're now triggers.  Getting used to this new life, this new "normal" is a slow excruciating process.

[BillInMelbourne]

I also have the biggest broken heart ever. I feel alone even in a crowd. One minute takes a long long time now. It brings me some comfort to see that maybe I'm not crazy, that others feel the same. I miss my best friend, wish I had someone to talk to.  All I know is that God has this for us, but in His time. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" I just wish He would hurry up. I will pray for you all.

[Michelene]

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" I just wish He would hurry up.  YES! 

 

[KayC]

I pray for comfort for all here.  This world has much sorrow, but the one who overcame the world is with us even in this.

[Azipod]

You guys are all correct.  Grief is ugly.   At over 13-months for me, it's still painful... but painful in a very different way.  The grief process will evolve.  The early months of grief is extremely painful.   Compounding the pain is the distress and the shock.    Once the shock wears off, there comes another form of pain.   The pain of acceptance.   In some ways, going into year #2 is more difficult in its own way.    Gone is the shock, the denial, the overwhelming gut wrenching pain of the loss.... but with the curtailing of that, comes another form of pain.... the pain that comes when you are out of shock, and are completely back in your mind, where you are thinking logically.... when every part of your life is calm, and all outstanding matters are resolved... it is then you realize, that this "new life of widowhood" is in fact, your new life.   And that it will not change.  It will be like this forever....  forever flying solo without our love.   And that true reality, in it's own way, is more scary than the beginning!