Members bambina Posted August 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 3, 2018 Woke up feeling more at peace but now it’s Friday evening, and I’m really feeling my boyfriend’s absence. Had he lived, we would be together right now, probably going out to dinner or to a park. I miss him so much. He’s been gone two months and it’s been the longest, most difficult two months of my life. I’m home just watching amazon prime but my heart just aches. He brought so much joy and fun into my life, and now life feels hollow. I was determined to be strong because I know that feeling sad won’t bring Brian back, but sometimes it is so difficult to control my mind and be positive. Gone 58 days. And I’m still very very sad. When does it get easier???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 4, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 Nobody can answer that for you, bambina, because we're all different. We all have different coping skills, different personalities, some put in great effort into their grief work, seeing a grief counselor, going to a grief support group, journaling, doing art therapy, letting the tears flow, yet going back to work, pushing past their comfort zone, making effort into being around people yet spending time alone too...we all vary. I would say it took me a good three years to process my grief and I worked hard at it, but that doesn't mean we're ever "over it", that doesn't happen. It's so gradual as to seem imperceptible until we look back at where we were and then can see a difference. Try not to worry about how long it takes, it takes what it takes, you'll get there. Try not to be afraid of grief, it feels like it will swallow you in the beginning, but instead we are forever changed by all we've gone through. I'd have to say I grew stronger because I HAD to, I can't say as I wanted to, we don't want ANY of this, but we do our best, what else can we do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted August 4, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 4, 2018 Hi KayC, thank you for your response. I know you are right. I think I just need to have patience with myself and the process. I went back to work the day after he died, and it was very difficult to concentrate on teaching, yet it certainly beat being at home wallowing in misery. I’ve been going to GriefShare once a week and attempting to go to the gym sometimes, as well as meeting some friends for bible study once a week. I’ve always considered myself an introvert at heart and love my alone time but since Brian’s death, being alone just reminds me that he is no longer here to share time with. Last night I slept very poorly and felt nonstop anxiety. This morning it was the same but then I forced myself to go out all day and I watched a lighthearted movie at the theater that took me out of my head for a while. I think my biggest (hopefully irrational) fear is that I will never feel quite like myself again or feel excited about the future. When I’m in the thicke of grief it seems impossible to imagine happiness ever again. I know you’ve been there, so I really do appreciate your input. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost the love of your life. It truly is excruciatingly painful and terribly surreal. Thankful I found this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 5, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 5, 2018 15 hours ago, bambina said: I think my biggest (hopefully irrational) fear is that I will never feel quite like myself again or feel excited about the future. No you won't ever feel like yourself again...at least not the yourself you were before he died. We are forever changed by this. But you can feel a degree of hope that at least you will smile again, find things to enjoy again, it's always tempered with our loss, it's never away from us, it's as if we coexist with our grief. On one level we function (hard to imagine you actually taught the day after he died!), but all the while we are carrying this grief. We do get used to it. I've found there continues to be good that exists, it's up to us to look for it, acknowledge it, embrace it and fully enjoy that good even while grieving continues inside of us. This is a lifelong journey, a process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveGoli Posted August 5, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2018 On 8/4/2018 at 3:24 AM, bambina said: When does it get easier???? Its been a year actually more than a year but still i him every day, every single second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted August 5, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2018 8 hours ago, KayC said: No you won't ever feel like yourself again...at least not the yourself you were before he died. We are forever changed by this. But you can feel a degree of hope that at least you will smile again, find things to enjoy again, it's always tempered with our loss, it's never away from us, it's as if we coexist with our grief. On one level we function (hard to imagine you actually taught the day after he died!), but all the while we are carrying this grief. We do get used to it. I've found there continues to be good that exists, it's up to us to look for it, acknowledge it, embrace it and fully enjoy that good even while grieving continues inside of us. This is a lifelong journey, a process. Hi KayC, Looking back I don’t know how on earth I managed to teach the day after. I was definitely on autopilot and in total shock, but the idea of being at home was even worse. Right now I’m just lying down because about an hour ago I felt so horrible that I prayed to God for death. I would not kill myself but sometimes actually a lot of times, life has seemed pointless and empty these last two months. I have very few friends here so without Brian, I am alone almost all the time. I’m considering volunteering on weekends to help others and to get me out of my self pitying head. I’m really frightened because I know I’m in a full fledged depression and I barely have the energy to do anything anymore. The more time that goes by, the more I miss him. It doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better. Not all all. Im so horribly lonely without him. Over the last few years, I’ve lost my dad, my mom, my half sister, a good friend, and several beloved pets. i was at peace with all my losses, but losing Brian has almost killed me, at least emotionally. I don’t know what to do. I was so happy with him. Now I’m alone again and it sucks. Just pure pain that makes getting through the days excruciating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 6, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 6, 2018 I hate to tell you this but it usually gets worse before it gets better. That's because the shock wears off, people go back to their lives, some of our support system dries up, and the longer they're gone the more unbearable the missing seems. That is until we begin to adjust. As we hone our coping skills, as we begin to push past our comfort zone, as we see a grief counselor and put for the effort into our grief work, reading books on it, articles, going to grief support group, I even did art therapy, it all helps...it helps strengthen us and we process our grief. Knowing it's okay to cry, to let the tears flow, all part of our processing. What was a frantic, anxiety-ridden, fearful shocking trauma begins to ease into something we can more easily cope with and carry. It takes time, much time, so be patient with yourself and the process. Volunteering is good, it gets us out of ourselves and helps us feel some purpose, a definite win-win. I do understand, I lost my dad and grandparents when I was young also a niece and nephew, but in recent years I lost a sister, many many pets, close friends, but the hardest by far was my husband. It affects every aspect of your life! I don't know if you've read this or not...it's pretty much a summation of what I've learned that has helped me on my grief journey, maybe I already gave it to you, I don't recall, but if so, here it is again: TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted August 7, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2018 Thank you for all the suggestions. This is indeed a most terribly surreal journey. Yesterday marked the two month anniversary of his death. I find that I have been going to bed around one am and waking up around 3:50 am the last few nights and not being able to go back to sleep. It used to be that the night was my respite from the pain, but now I believe I was still in shock up until a few days ago. I still can't believe that he's really gone, that I won't ever be able to pick up the phone and hear his voice. I cried so hard this morning and it did nothing to alleviate this great pain in my heart. I know people tell me that with time, it will get better. Still finding that difficult to believe. I guess you are right. The pain gets worse before it gets better. Just wish so much that I had a better support system in this area. The isolation I feel is just daunting. I keep telling myself that I will volunteer, but by the time the weekend rolls around, I am so exhausted and depressed that I barely have the energy to clean my house, much less volunteer. It's an awful feeling when the days just drag by and you feel that you have nothing to look forward to. I am existing, not living. I think I may need to get on antidepressants to help get me through. I'm at work right now but my students in my second class are on vacation until next week, so I'm just sitting in the classroom but not able to get anything work-related done, so writing is the only thing that helps. Although I'm finding that with more time, fewer people are checking on me, thus exacerbating the feelings of loneliness and isolation. And my best friend who lives here was pretty insensitive after Brian's death, so I kind of alienated myself and pushed him away, in a passive manner, so now he no longer speaks to me. It's become like a dominoes effect. Losing Brian has caused a chain of other events. On top of this , I lost tenants. so a major source of income and stability, as they were like family members for the last six years. Funny to think how three months ago, everything was on the up and up and life felt like it had so many hopes and excitement in store. There were so many many things I was planning to do with Brian, and so of course dealing with his death and the death of all the dreams for the future, and the death of what I felt was a big part of myself, is overwhelmingly painful. I know everyone who has lost a partner they loved with all their heart can relate to these feelings. I just feel like I'm losing it. I don't look forward to anything anymore, other than carbs (I'm gaining weight, which adds to the depression, but it's the only thing that makes me feel good, at least for a short time) I have a gym membership but I didn't go last weekend because I was too depressed. I see a therapist once a week and I go to group grief counseling once a week, but nothing seems to really be helping. I am lost and I don't want to be here anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 7, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 7, 2018 5 hours ago, bambina said: I see a therapist once a week and I go to group grief counseling once a week, but nothing seems to really be helping. Give it time, keep trying. You might talk to the counselor and tell them you don't feel it's helping, see what they say, if they offer any suggestions. It's only been two months, that's not long enough to notice any progress, it took me three YEARS just to process his death and longer yet to find purpose, longer yet to build a life for myself that I can live. There's nothing quick or easy about any of this. It takes time to change our habits, until then they're triggers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeannC45 Posted August 7, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2018 I have realized that my healing comes with it's own time frame I don't know what that is. I have accepted that I am on a journey with no end date, it will take the rest of my life to heal from this. Maybe saying "heal from this" isn't even right. I will spend the rest of my life missing him, loving him and working hard to assemble some kind of new life. It almost felt freeing to finally understand or give in to the fact that this will be with me forever. I personally felt anxiety about wondering when I would ever feel normal again. I know I can't live the way I feel now so in order to have any kind of quality I have to push to find my way. Some days I feel a little lighter with hope for some kind of future and of course most days I still ache for my husband and the life that was taken from me. It is so hard so I just work at taking little baby steps when I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Just here Posted August 8, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2018 Bambina I’m going through the same exact thing is you. It’s almost been 3 weeks and I’m dying inside. I use to love being alone and now all I do is cry when I’m alone. I miss him so much and wonder how I can ever think about my future without him. I talked to him everyday and if something happened during my day I told or called him. I don’t have any family support and very few friends just people I work with. I’m only 32 and still very young but I’ve been through so much and this I don’t know if I can deal with it. It’s not fair that I finally found my best friend/ soulmate the person who was my second half and is take away so soon! I don’t think I’ll ever be myself again cause he brought out the best in me. I wish I had inspirational things to say but I can be a friend and can relate 100%! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 8, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted August 8, 2018 Leeann, Very true...our old "normal" is gone, now it's coming to grips with what is and what is our new normal (which seems a misnomer), processing our grief, building our lives and purpose into something meaningful for us. Time is thrown out the window, for us, it is one day at a time and it takes what it takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Azipod Posted August 9, 2018 Members Report Share Posted August 9, 2018 On 8/3/2018 at 2:54 PM, bambina said: Woke up feeling more at peace but now it’s Friday evening, and I’m really feeling my boyfriend’s absence. Had he lived, we would be together right now, probably going out to dinner or to a park. I miss him so much. He’s been gone two months and it’s been the longest, most difficult two months of my life. I’m home just watching amazon prime but my heart just aches. He brought so much joy and fun into my life, and now life feels hollow. I was determined to be strong because I know that feeling sad won’t bring Brian back, but sometimes it is so difficult to control my mind and be positive. Gone 58 days. And I’m still very very sad. When does it get easier???? I'm sorry. It doesn't get easier. But at 2-months, you're beginning to go into the deeper levels of grief which can be very very painful. I know how you feel. Most of us have some typical schedule or some common activities that we did together with our significant other. With their absence, this schedule or common activity suddenly changes and being suddenly forced into a new setting during the mist of grief can make things very overwhelming. It is very common to be sad. You are feeling the right things. At 13-months, I'm still sad. Now that I have a grip on everything, my guess is that I'll probably be sad for the rest of my life. This never really does end. It's a "new life" that we are forced to be in. None of us asked for this... but it's been forced upon us. It will be difficult. But nothing will really become easier. New challenges and new feelings/emotions will emerge over time. The one sure thing about grief is that none of us will be cheated and ripped off -- with time, we will feel every facet of grief... all of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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