His first bday in heaven

[Jenn4]

I wish I was an eloquent writer who could express in words the emotions and love I have for this man who taught me so much about love, patience and sacrifice. 

Today would have been my boyfriend’s 41st bday and as I sit on my bed debating on if I have the energy to get myself going I can’t help but to wonder what he’s doing. Do they have birthday parties up in heaven? His first bday in heaven... which is also the 13th anniversary of my Dad’s passing. When I first met my BF and realized he was born the same day as the anniversary of my Dad’s passing I wondered how I could celebrate with him on a day I was normally sad. I learned to be happy on his bday because even though I was sad, I was able to celebrate the bday of the man I loved.

Today I’m extra sad. 

Today, I sit on my bed deciding if I could just cancel today and stay in bed until the day passes on. I guess this is also another “occasion” I have to get used to being without him.

Happy Bday my angel. 

[Azipod]

Jenn4, It's so beautiful that you can find strength and comfort to pen out your feelings and emotions.  I will be thinking about you today.

[Jenn4]

Thank you Azipod.

This forum is where I turn to when I need to express how I feel and know that every person reading it has gone through, going through, or will go through the same things I do. 

It’s a sad comfort.

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, Jenn4 said:

I wish I was an eloquent writer who could express in words the emotions and love I have for this man who taught me so much about love, patience and sacrifice. 

You express your love so eloquently!  When we reflect we understand in greater depth how they have blessed us in so many ways!  We miss them deeply but they are with us and because of them we will continue to honor their presence while acknowledging their absence. Your love for him and your admiration will continue to grow...deeper.

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

You express your love so eloquently!  When we reflect we understand in greater depth how they have blessed us in so many ways!  We miss them deeply but they are with us and because of them we will continue to honor their presence while acknowledging their absence. Your love for him and your admiration will continue to grow...deeper.

I definitely feel such a deep love for my husband. I feel like I reminisce over every little detail of him trying to understand him more and constantly thinking of what i have learned from him. He showed me what unconditional love is and he showed me that I need to lighten up. He was such a care free happy person that never took things too seriously. I was always the one worried and stressing about every little thing. He really evened me out and never criticized me even though I must have driven him crazy. It hurts when you look back and wish that you would have been a better partner. I wish I wouldn't have sweated the small stuff that literally now seems so insignificant and trivial. I hate that I can't fix anything. I can't have another conversation to say "YOU WERE RIGHT" you were right about so many things and my stubbornness got in the way. Ugh....It is really just so hard to be left behind.

[Nely]

7 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

He really evened me out and never criticized me even though I must have driven him crazy. It hurts when you look back and wish that you would have been a better partner. I wish I wouldn't have sweated the small stuff that literally now seems so insignificant and trivial. I hate that I can't fix anything. I can't have another conversation to say "YOU WERE RIGHT" you were right about so many things and my stubbornness got in the way. Ugh....It is really just so hard to be left behind.

@LeannC45, I can perfectly relate. The thoughts of all that and the consciousness is driving me crazy. I feel like a terrible person

[KayC]

Jenn, they're right, you pen yourself beautifully.  I'm sorry I'm late wishing your BF his happy birthday, but I think he knows your wishes for him.  We are the ones that "had it", that tremendous love that everyone saw and envied...and we feel their loss ever so keenly because we had it to lose.  Can you imagine our reunion?!

[KayC]

15 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I was always the one worried and stressing about every little thing. He really evened me out and never criticized me even though I must have driven him crazy.

I know, me too.  I was the practical stable one that made sure the bills got paid and chores done.  He was the sporadic fun one, doing whatever he could to make life better!  He was the most caring person I ever met.  I remember getting onto him about his cellphone bills...in those days we paid heftily for minutes that went over, but him being the caring person he was, he'd loan his phone to someone at work and make the minutes go over.  After he died I remember crying out to him to come back, I'd get him a better cellphone plan!

Funny how you remember these things.

But that doesn't make us the bad partner.  We brought different strengths into our relationship.  We balanced each other.  And he always understood me.  We talked about it once and he said no matter what I said to him, even if it sounded hard, he knew I was coming from a good place, a place of love.  He understood me.  I'm sure your BF understood you too.  (((hugs)))

[Jenn4]

Thank you all for the replies 

Yesterday was a hard day... but I ended up surrounding myself with friends and family in the evening and my mood was lifted. 

Sunflower2, It’s funny I want to express my love for him eloquently when the best way to describe it is like a child when you ask them how much they love you and they reached out their arms and say “ this much.” In the end, it’s just the simplest form that can convey the extent of that love.

LeannC45, there have been so many times I think back on arguments and disagreements where I wish I bit the bullet and just admitted he was right. Although we had our running joke that he was right 80% of the time and I would say 20% until we met in the middle at 50%. 

KayC, I def agree that we had something special and we know how special it was because we lost it. There are so many things that remind me of him or of silly questions or sayings or events. I know that when it’s our turn to be reunited it will be the happiest moment. I used to be so scared of death and dying but it’s not as scary to think that when it is my time, I will have so many people there waiting for me. It sounds weird to say that I had the greatest love in my life at 35, but the 10 years we were together were filled with so much love.