Some people seem to want me to lose it

[BetsyD]

So, here is another vent. Sorry, been a bad day.

I am in the process of liquidating a lot of our possessions because I am going to be leaving Tennessee. I have hated it here since we moved here 2 1/2 years ago. We moved her so we could keep our horse with us instead of at a stable, moved her up here a year ago, then my Tom died suddenly at the end of April. As I have said before, I have kept my promises to him - the horse has (sadly) been rehomed, his truck and my old car are gone (I had to get a decent vehicle), his best friends came here for a week and finished up the house so I could put it on the market and they took his work trailer back to NY with them. All very emotional, but I am holding myself together so I can achieve the goal of getting out of this rural mire and of moving closer to my children and new grandson. This is a three story house on five plus acres - I can't care for it alone. 

Anyway, a good friend who lost her husband 4 years ago has been trying hard to be supportive. He was 25 years older than she. She is wealthy and travels and so on... but I digress.

Every time I accomplish something and feel proud that I was able to, she has to comment on how hard things are for me to do. Perfect example - I told her yesterday I had (after 2 months of trying) finally sold the horse trailer. I was not at all attached to it - we bought it to bring the horse here, she left in a different trailer - I was devastated to see her leave of course (yet another connection to my Tom going away) but the trailer? Frankly I needed the money more than having the thing sit on my property. Tom didn't build the trailer - he didn't use it but the one time. Her response? 'I know it is a relief for you, Betsy, but I also know how hard and sad this is for you as well".  My answer? "more of a relief than sad this time".  Maybe it is hard to express how I feel, but not EVERYTHING I am doing makes me sad. Yes, itemizing his tools and knowing that people are going to dig through them for bargains like mavens at a Walmart clearance sale? That will make me sad. I am hoping that maybe one person will buy everything to start his/her own remodeling business - that would make me (and Tom) happy. But sometimes I would like to feel accomplished without the sadness, and her constant comments about how hard everything is for me are not appreciated. Am I making sense?

My life is sad. My emptiness for my beloved soulmate is sad. My empty house (thank goodness I have three dogs and two cats) makes me sad. Looking out at the birds he will never feed, losing the horse he will never ride, looking at the jackets he will never wear, Facetiming with the grandson he will never take to a ballgame? All that makes me sad. Try, friend, to be supportive of my accomplishments instead of reminding me to be sad. I don't need a reminder.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[KayC]

Yes, this makes sense.  We need a little credit as well as understanding.

[BetsyD]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We need a little credit as well as understanding.

Thank you, Kay, for getting it. I have another friend who is SO supportive all the way - when I accomplish something she tells me she is proud of me and that "I rock" and when I have to hide my head under the pillow she tells me to just not suffocate myself and to cry all I want. She is the most incredibly supportive person. Today I had a meltdown because someone knocked down our mailbox overnight - after she got angry FOR me, she told me "you've got this, kid" and was there for me...the friend I was talking about in my previous post said "you just can't seem to catch a break"...Big difference.

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, BetsyD said:

when I have to hide my head under the pillow she tells me to just not suffocate myself and to cry all I want.

I love that!  She is not only supportive and understanding but has a great sense of humor!  The other friend, well she may mean well, just doesn't seem to know how to encourage.

[Kal1120]

This all makes sense to me. My husband passed away in April. Our first child was born two weeks ago. It’s a truly horrendous situation, but I’m trying very hard for the both of us to not be a nonstop mess. People keep making comments to me “katie, you must cry all the time that he’s not here to see the baby,” and “Katie, it must break your heart that he never got to pick out an outfit for her!” Okay, my husband was a truly wonderful man, and I loved him, but he would never have gone to a store to pick out an outfit.  People really don’t get it.

I’m very sorry for your loss, and I think it’s great that you’ve got a plan to move forward. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Kal1120 said:

my husband was a truly wonderful man, and I loved him, but he would never have gone to a store to pick out an outfit.

This made me smile...no, you're right, people really DON'T get it!  Or how they tell us how we should feel, respond, etc.  Our grief is as unique as we are, as our relationship with the person we love that died.

[Whispering Willow]

It completely makes sense. My husband and I moved from our hometown to a different state about 10 yrs ago for a job offer for him. We bought a lovely home on an acre with 27 trees. My dream house really. He always took care of the trees. He told me a few times there were a couple of trees he would like to get rid of. I dismissed him (I'm an idiot). I liked the trees. 

A few days after he passed away which was completely unexpected, I sat on the patio and took a good look at the yard with new eyes. It terrified me. I looked closer at the trees he was concerned about and I became extremely stressed. Yes, he was right. Two were too close to the house. I did agree with him that one of the pine's was leaning and should go. The large elm on the side of the house did look kind of sick.  How was I going to deal with all of this on my own? I called an arborist out and he confirmed that I really needed 7 to be cut down. I bit the bullet and had it done. The company also trimmed every single tree on my lot and told me I would be good for several years. It was a HUGE relief to me. My mother-n-law kept saying how sad it was, how sad I must be. Sigh, I have so much to be sad over but this actually made me feel good, especially knowing its something my husband wanted to do. Silly as it sounds, I think he would have been proud that I made a good decision. 

For me, I have the opposite in regards to the house. I have his family asking me all the time when I'm going to move. I understand why they ask. I never made friends here. Soon after we relocated, I was hired by a company where I can work from home. It's great but it also kept me from meeting people locally. Its just my son and I. The thing is I lost both my parents this year. The connections to our hometown are becoming less and less. I have my siblings there still and of course my in-laws. One sibling  I am close to and the other I don't talk to much. My in-laws have been extremely kind after my husband passed but that was not always the case. I can't see uprooting myself to be closer to them. The cost of living where I grew up is very high and its simply not as nice where I live now that is much cheaper. Yes, my house is probably a bit big for one person (my son will be leaving the nest soon, he is in college) but it's almost new. My husband and I redid almost everything here. From a financial perspective, it would be more wise for me to keep this house even though the yard is big. I got a riding mower, it was just the trees that were stressing me. So this is my long winded answer of I get what you are saying BetsyD. 

[Whispering Willow]

I also wanted to mention that, this is the second time you have vented about this friend. I have a friend or really an acquaintance now, that always seemed to be wanting me to fail in some sort of way. If we talked and I mentioned something, she would spin into something more than what it is. Just something small and her response would be "oh that must have really upset you." Ummm..no..not really. Or when I had a success, she would somehow draw out some sort of negative. Hard to explain but just stuff like that. I think she did it out of jealousy or insecurity. Putting focus on me somehow made her feel better? Anyway, she and I haven't talked in about 5 yrs but she is still on my social media. Once it made the rounds my husband passed, she called me. It was bad timing as people we at my house and it was that first couple of days of complete busyness of making arrangements that I told her I would call her back. I never did. I feel a little bad but I am not completely sure her intentions were really to see how I was, more of what happened. I dunno. I guess my point is, maybe this friend is trying to judge how much better she is dealing with her grief compared to yours? It takes a lot of strength to do what you are doing right now. Hugs. 

[KayC]

Whispering Willow,

I wouldn't make any moves just yet.  Your house is new, in good condition, it makes sense to stay put, this was your home together and where your son has roots now.  You can always change your mind and decide to move but you can't change your mind and decide to undo it once done.  Take your time with these decisions.  If they bug you, tell them you're advised not to make any big decisions within the first three years.